Oldtimers: Return or not..what finally happened?

[NNP1965]

I joined this site on 07/04/05, just a couple of weeks after WCW. When I think of all the people who joined around the same time as us and the people who posted to me and I to them... almost everyone is divorced and has moved on with their lives and left this site. I wish more of them would come back and tell us how they are doing.

I do not feel I am your typical DB'er. My H has dropped several bombs over the years, but has never actually left me. Along the way this became more about saving my life than saving my marriage. I started seeing a counselor in June of 2006 and it took a year before I could see how it was helping me. I was dead and didn't even know it. Over the past year I have faced the abuse I suffered as a child and reestablished relationships with a lot of family.

I was able to stop snooping and became very good at detaching (although I am no good at explaining how to do so). At this point I think I could easily be a WAW. It would be the easy thing to do. BUT I believe in marriage, I believe that God made this marriage and now that I am awake (or alive) I think it is my job to do the hard work to make it what it should be. But at some point my H will have to join me in that work. Only time will tell if we are up to it.

[NNP1965]

I need to tell some one this and I don't have C until Thursday....

I have a confession to make: I loved a boy in college and he loved me. But I was not able to tell him what my life at home was like. I let him believe that I chose not to see him rather than tell him my dad was an abusive alcoholic who at times held my mom and sister and I prisoner. I know that he married at some point and has at least two children. Luckily I have no idea where he is, because I have been letting my imagination run wild this weekend with thoughts of contacting him. Which I know would be disastrous and wrong! My family is gone this week and yesterday was chick flick day for me. I watched a movie called Evening and bawled my eyes out. It didn't take long to realize that I was crying because all the feelings I had long ago buried about that relationship were surfacing.

So anyway I am counting on you all to keep me honest here. I am a VERY good detective, but the good Lord has been protecting me by not allowing me to find any info on this guy and I am very thankful for that! Thank you I needed to get that out.

[still hoping]

It seems like a lot of stories are that the WAS wants to reconcile, but the LBS has moved on.

breton,
That's interesting, because as I've been reading this thread, the feeling I got was that the LBS "waits" in vain and the S rarely returns. Of the few that did try to return, I got the feeling that they just weren't ready.

Goes to show how we all interpret things differently - probably based on what we are feeling individually and what we want/need to see/believe at the moment.

NNP,
Whatever you had with the guy you loved in college is just a fantasy. He didn't even know the real you. As you said, contacting him will only bring trouble. Keep those thoughts in your head or here on the board.

[Bworl]

I have to agree that I can think of very few stories where the MLC'er or WAS wanted to come back but the LBS either refused or had moved on.

I can think of more reconciliation stories.

And as far as percentages, I think everyone pretty much guesses. My "impression" after being here since the fall of 2006 is that there are not many reconciliations compared to the number of people who come through here.

But as others have pointed out in the past, even if the chances are just something like 5 or 10%, I think just about all of us would be eager to do the work to try to be in that group.



Bill

[sleeper]

We read the OP is merely a "bandaid" but I'm not so sure. As I've read these posts it seems OP play a larger role. I notice some mlcers who attempt to return go back to the OP, others marry the OP. I have often thought the X and I could reconcile if OM wasn't in the picture.

Three months post separation now X said she was thinking about going back to me.

Five months post separation I declined to meet with now X because we were fighting so badly. She became angry saying I had "blown her off" and she had wanted to talk about "us."

One bit of confusion along the way was that she told me she needed to be divorced because she had never truly been on her own, was abused by those close to her and she needed to heal. I don't know how much of that was true and how much was BS.

She has never called OM her boyfriend, but says they are "dating." Pictures of him go up and down on her nightstand.

She is interested in doing things with me but once said she doesn't want "to get my hopes up."

She seems to be thinking again as she initiated a R talk last week.

It makes sense they can't "get back" feelings for us while they actively have feelings for someone else.

Does anyone see a correlation between the longevity of the relationship with OP and the rate of return to the M?

[braveheart]

It seems like a lot of stories are that the WAS wants to reconcile, but the LBS has moved on.

I am sorry to say that you must be reading things I have missed for the last 2+years. Very, and I mean very few times have I read stories like that on this board. I grant you that every once in a great while someone will come on here with a story like that. Unfortunately for the vast majority of people here they are LBS with all the responsibilities of a former marriage, including the lion's share of raising children, keeping a house, trying to payoff debt accured by the actions of the WAS. Plus all the pain and B.S. that goes along with it. Yeah, I know some people are going to say that I am over dramatic and that "karma" will come back to get those WAS who do those things, well, I'm sorry to say that I have seen very little karma in the time I have been here too. Bottom line is this, our society has no bounds nor limits to the actions of people. The prevailing philosophy is; whatever you want to do, don't worry about other people or children, do what YOU WANT to be happy. Until that attitude changes, don't expect actions to change.

[naej]

Interesting thread and POV. I have joined the BB in 01 and lurked for a year or more before that. I was D in 03,H left in 2000. He was having an A. He married her in 05,they are still m.
We had been m 31yrs and tog for 40ys.
I know that all the people who started with me are D. Bar one(as far as I know) her h had been living with ow 6yrs then. Several of them were ardent standers, religious people who knew God had told them their m would be saved. They no longer post or return. I know of 2 who do not because they are embarrassed/ashamed. I don't think they need to be either but thats how they feel. I guess many more feel the same.
Like others I have seen next to no posts of waw's wanting to return and the lbs not wanting it. I have seen lots of reconciliation attempts that eventually fold.
I agree with the poster who said that too many stats are given out with no substance, just they are said enough times they become true.
I was told ow a bandaid, affairs last 6 mths etc. I still read posts that call ow all the names under the sun and say it wont last means nothing etc but after 4 + years I think I would be thinking maybe ow does mean something.
We all have a limit. I would go one step further and say financially we all have a limit.The long term standers I know of including the one who started with me all have h who have been able to run 2 households so maybe never had the need to go for a D.I hardly call it a marriage but again each to their own and had I been financially able I may have not gone for a D and still be alone and waiting in limbo (standing).
If your H or W is of an age to be in MLC it is a whole different ball game the difficulty lies in the fact that lables are so easy to hide behind. Like reading a medical dictionary we all have some if not most of the symptons.
I guess the beauty of this site is the hope it gives us but more importantly the help and hope it gives us to find ourselves and begin again.
Deb and Bill have not been the only ones to find love on the bb. They were not given an easy time by many posters but they have always posted honestly and give amazing advice.
I am always saddened when I read new posts as so often they are not many years into a marriage. They have problems that are not MLC but so often the same posters get given the same stats as to OPs etc.A while ago a poster was obviously being physically abused and was in fear of her H, I told her to get out and take her child with her with no discussion, others advised changing her behaviour,taking her vows seriously etc. She stopped after a couple of posts. I still wonder what happened to her.
Giving hope is a good thing but we have to be so careful when we only know one side. Giving false hope is irresponsible but we can only speak from our own hearts and experiance.
Wow this turned into a ramble-sory.

[deb13]

naej, That was an excellent post! There is so much truth in it.

As you and others have stated, I think the times that a WAS returns to find the LBS is not in favor of a reconciliation are few and far between, if at all.

In my sitch, my exH's attempt to reconcile was only because things weren't going well w/ OW. In my opinion, the reconciliation was not an honest one because he never really left her....he made ME the OW in their relationship (w/out my knowledge). Luckily, for me, I had grown and had opened my eyes to many things. Yes, his leaving the second time hurt....it bit bad; but, not for the same reasons as before. The second time, I truly felt dirty and used. My self-esteem, which had finally started to return, took another big hit. But, I knew the second time, that I would be ok and I had developed a deeper and stronger relationship w/ God. The "fighting" I did the second time was a personal fight within myself...for ME, not for the marriage.

No one has mentioned the "scars" that are left as a result of a WAS/d. There are some. And, how we deal w/ them is very important. For me, trust is a VERY big issue. I do not like secrets or lies. I am very blessed that God brought Bill into my life. As I stated in my previous post, he is a very loving and caring person...not to mention trustworthy and honest. He has been very patient w/ me and has helped me look at things w/ "new eyes". I still have "demons" that like to make their presence known from time-to-time; but, I am learning how to deal w/ them. If something does bother me, I am able to talk to Bill about it and, if the need be, we work through it together. Love, commitment, and communication...how can a marriage survive without them?

I have learned so much these past couple of years. Lessons learned the hard way. (But, I have grown so much, too!) And, I hope and pray that through those lessons learned I am able to be the wife that God wants me to be....the wife that Bill wants/needs me to be.

naej, I hope you are doing well! Thank you for your kind words!

deb

[forward]

I should clarify: maybe the WAS doesn't go so far as to *state* that they actually want to reconcile.

But there often seems to be a time when they do seem to drop hints, moves towards XLBS, and express regret and go through a process of re-evaluating the past R. Sometimes this is at a point where reality has intruded on the happy OP/WAS couple, or where some other life event has made the WAS realize what the LBS had to offer.

It seems that by that point, the LBS has had it and is not satisified with hints and baby steps and a few expressions of regret. They don't want to throw a bone, or they do and the WAS's response is not enough, and the door is closed.

The WAS doesn't know how to fix the situation, or maybe doesn't have what it takes, and eventually slinks off, sometimes with the OP but it seems just as often without OP.

And it seems that LBSs seem to fare better than the WASs regardless of what happens, perhaps because they are forced to evaluate themselves and their lives.

[sleeper]

"Out of Left Field" Percy Sledge

Here's one for record; X and I had a few sessions with a C at bomb, joint and individual. C related to me in a private session that X told him, "I'm going to divorce ______.......I'll probably marry him again one day." C added the caveat that he was certain she would divorce me and "pretty sure" she would marry me again (he believed what she had told him).

Now waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"The waiting is the hardest part" Tom Petty