I live on my own and enjoy it. I enjoy my work than at any other time in my life. Happier than I have ever been. My sons are doing well. My ex is still with OM (which really means he is no longer OM) and is happy. We still do some family stuff. Tonight we went to dinner. Life is what you make it.
I guess I might be an oldtimer. I've been here for over 3 years and dealing with H's shinanigans for 2 months short of 5 years. What I can't answer yet is what finally happened because it is still in progress.
I don't know the label to attach to H, if it's MLC or a WAH or a guy who just fell out of love or a guy who had an EA/PA or a guy who went on secret spending sprees and shut me out of his life.
We have a lot of acres here with a very small house. H never moved out completely, but we have gone for up to 5 days at a time living together without physically seeing each while sleeping in the same house at night.
I know that it took me a very long time and many many of my own baby steps to journey back far enough to find the person I wanted to be again so I could move forward with my life.
The more I move forward and try to balance that with always leaving room for H to come with me the more positive H has responded. He is doing things again that he loves to do but gave it up for the last 4 years in his own effort to detach from me and the life we built. I have not been very successful in detaching from H or the life we built, I still love it all very much and especially with H in it.
I still don't honestly know how this will finally end, but I maintain hope that H truly is finding his way back and I will be a strong enough person to accept him when he does.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Most people when they get back together leave the board.
.... and the evidence for that is ??????
One of the serious problems with this board is that some people seem to think that if you say something often enough it must be true.
Unless there has been a very sophisticated monitoring and evaluation strategy implemented on this board without me noticing, there is absolutely no way we could know that when people reconcile with their spouse they leave the board!!!
It's bad enough when posters reassure each other authoritatively that "affairs last 2 years" and "she's just a bandaid for his/her mental illness" - it's scary when the moderators start doing it.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
March 2006: Separated -- W moves out, in with her mother.
July 2006: W wants divorce
August 2006: We have sex, first "touch and go" starts and ends. W files.
Sept-Dec 2006: 3 more "touch and goes", we have sex 13 more times during these.
Jan 2007: W still set on divorce, I give up and let go. I fall in love with another LBS.
Feb 2007: W dimisses divorce at final hearing. Uh oh! Now what?!?! I reluctantly agree to attempt reconciliation with W as it was the right thing for me to do. OUCH!!!
March - April 2007: I eventually get *my* head together.
May - Sept 2007: We were doing really well until STBXW suddenly turns off like a light switch. She refuses to talk, moves to another bedroom.
Oct. - Dec 2007: Limbo in same house. STBXW spending some time at our other house.
Jan 2008: STBXW wants to reconcile, but makes unreasonable demands -- no agreement reached.
Feb 2008: STBXW wants a divorce ASAP.
Mar 2008: STBXW files for divorce. That's it, I'm done!
One of the serious problems with this board is that some people seem to think that if you say something often enough it must be true.
I agree. I have seen very few people since I have been here that have left because they are back together with their spouse. I feel like saying that is giving people false hope.
Quote:
It's bad enough when posters reassure each other authoritatively that "affairs last 2 years" and "she's just a bandaid for his/her mental illness"
This too I agree with. I remember when I first came to the boards, everyone told me their affair wouldn't last long, she was just a bandaid, he would be back around 18 months, blah, blah, blah....Well he has been gone for 2 years now, is still with the ow (2 1/2 years) and I no longer believe she is just a bandaid. Bandaids don't last that long.
I don't want to feed any newcomers with the same bs lines I was fed with because those bs lines ended up making me feel like a failure because it didn't come true in my sitch. Those bs lines are just a bandaid themselves. I am not blaming anyone for feeding me those lines, it was just something that they truley believed themselves because somewhere along the line someone came up with those bs lines. There seems to be no proof to back any of it up.
And hence....IMP's very strong post (can't remember where) on the downside to getting too caught up in the MLC resources offered at the top of the page.
This site is about saving marriages. Period. We all know that, because we all came here to do just that.
But putting forth misleading information under the guise of pacifying the highly agitated newcomers is not the way to go.
MrsH and others are more than justified to ask "What the heck?" when they've been told something over and over again, only to find that it is simply not true in their story.
Many of those resources are extremely valuable in terms of educating people on what kinds of things to expect and what kinds of things they can do to make it through this time. But perhaps its time we emphasized the fact that there are NO set timelines, that OM/OW are NOT always bandaids, that OM/OW are not always low life creatures, and that spouses do NOT regularly choose to reconcile after burning so many bridges.
We don't need to fear truth and reality.
I personally want to KNOW rather than be surprised.
Share your experiences, but don't share statistics that you cannot back up with actual research studies.
The situations that bring us here are painful enough.
Blessings,
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 07/18/0804:14 PM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
But putting forth misleading information under the guise of pacifying the highly agitated newcomers is not the way to go.
Exactly and this is what I feel what happens. I would rather know the truth from the beginning. I know most newcomers (as I was) are not ready to hear the truth but it doesn't mean we fill their heads with misleading information.
However, I don't think all of the info on the MLC resources thread is inaccurate. I think there is a wealth of information on there as well, i.e. Snodderly's work. She shared her experiences and did her research. However, like IMP suggests, don't get to caught up in it, it's a guidline, not a bible.
One of the great things about this site is there are different forums to join. To me, the healthiest being the Surviving the Big D. Most of the people you find over there have accepted the end of their M and are just enjoying life. They may not have saved their marriages but they saved themselves.
I think a lot of the people in the other forums (not all) like the MLC forum may be in denial, including me. We hold onto that little bit of hope, but yet, that little bit of holding on wears us down. I know I for one need to learn to accept that my M is just over. I am almost there but not quite just yet. Maybe when the papers are signed it will help me.
All I know is that I don't want newcomers to be lead down the same path I was in the beginning.
Bill you are right, we don't need to fear truth and reality because in the long run it's the healthier way to go.
