Got my bomb in September of 2006 with a failed suicide attempt on my ex's part.
She was never back in the house after that day.
She filed October 6th. Had already had a fling with a 22 year old (2 years older than our oldest son). Left that weekend for her first overnight with a childhood crush, 500 miles away.
Divorce final in December of 2006.
In May of 2007 she decided to move 500 miles away to live with her crush. She left behind a 20 year old in college and a 15 year old who lives with me. She's been there ever since, sees the boys maybe every couple months or so.
They've never married, but I did. In early 2007 I begin corresponding with Debra. In December of 2007, I asked her to marry me, and we were married just last month, June 28, 2008.
My ex has never looked back as far as I know. Things are amiable between us. Most of the hurt is long gone, and I have a great life to look forward to with Debra.
Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't.
Making plans based on an MLC'er is not a wise course of action. While there are plenty of reconciliations you can read about, there are far more that end. How long you choose to "stand" is something YOU will figure out on your own. No one here, regardless of what they might say, knows any more about your life than you do, and none of them can tell you what to do.
We do everything we can to save the marriage. I think that's a common thread among most on this board. In the process we learn that the best way we can work to save our marriages is to save ourselves first.
That makes you a success no matter how things end up.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Lissie, BFM, Bworl, and Ever hopeful thanks for sharing your stories while many of us have differences , there are also many similarities no matter what..seems we LBS always seem to come out of this and move on with or without H that is hopeful I always sense I will get clarity when time is right and Im trting to push myself there when im not really 100% done here It is a gamble as many seem to not return,,but again we will get better and find real acceptance in time peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I've often worried that buying in too heavily to the MLC 'time-line' is potentially dangerous for our recovery. I'm not even sure I buy into the MLC thing. We all go through changes in our lives - but not everyone leaves their spouse in order to go through those changes.
I'm not sure if it was me or ex who had the MLC or whatever it was but we separated in November 2004 and he had a new lover within 3 weeks. Maybe he had her before that - I don't know.
I started DBing in March 2005, last resorted, GALed and PMAed my heart out for 18 months or so and when he could see me getting on with my life - he got interested and started sniffing around again. He never seemed really ready to totally reconnect and I got to the stage that I realised I just had to finish the grieving and get over him.
It hurt, I didn't want to do it. It was easier to hold on to the hope that he might come back, but it wasn't healthy for me to live with my life on hold in some vein hope that he might metamophis into the man I married when I knew in reality that when people evolve they generally move on, not back.
Having said that - despite him getting married to his lover - I left town about 12 months ago to live and work with remote Aboriginal Communities in the Northern Territory of Australia which is similar work to that I was doing when we first got together and since I've been away he has confided in me that he made a mistake getting married and wishes we could have another chance. He says that if I give him the word he will leave his wife and reconcile with me.
Of course that gives me a good giggle, but there is no way I would ever enter into an agreement like that with him.
DBing taught me a lot about myself and what I'm prepared to tolerate. It also taught me that there is signficantly more to life than being in selfish, myopic relationships based on little more than co-dependence. I'm never going there again.
The thing is - this is not a dress rehersal. This is our life. There's no problem 'standing' if it means you are having a good and fulfilling life, making yourself available for every opportunity life throws your way - and if one of those opportunities is reconciliation with your spouse that's fantastic. I just don't think 'standing' still can ever be a good thing - for saving our marriage or saving ourselves.
You're right Peace - you will get clarity when the time is right. You'll know what to do when it happens.
All the best
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I know you are well aware of my sitch, but thought I'd put it down in a timeline. We read so often that we should not follow timelines, but from my own observations, it seems like A's last and/or couples are either separated +/- 6 months OR around 2-3 years.
11/05: EA starts 5/06: variation of ILYBINILWY 7/06: S after I find evidence of A. H and ogre move in together shortly after. H is confused, very distant, alien eyes. H basically goes crazy deep into replay. 1/06: H says M is over. I start DB, H continues to lie/deny and remains distant. 12/07: H admits to friend that what he's doing is wrong. Somewhat less distant interaction with H over the following 6 months. 4/08: I make a decision to create warm and fuzzy feelings with H when possible (and FINALLY grasp DB concepts), figure out and am comfortable with what I want. 7/08: H starts opening up more, seems more receptive to me. Takes more responsibility, initiates contact more often than previously. Beginning of friendship? (Also worth noting is that his new business has really started to take off, which could be affecting his mood.)
No signs of regret or ever trying to return in 2 years.
I wouldn't call it a shift toward home, but in general, H is more open about most things (except his personal life).
I'd like to think it's the start of an awakening, but who knows. I do know that I am much more at peace with what's happened over the last 2+ years. I'm more confident in what I'm doing and know what it is that I want. I'm also very aware that there are no guarantees that I will get what I want with my H. And that's ok...
11/06 - bomb drop 1/11/07 - stbxW comes home at 3:30 am, admits to OM, but states there was no sex and she would never see him again, but our M was over. 2/07 - Retrouvaille weekend after which the ILYBNILWY speech and move out the next weekend. 6/07 - sell house and move in with friend.
We were intimate on a weekly basis from bomb drop until sale of house. She always denied OM. Snooped like a CIA agent and uncovered all kinds of stuff I never thought possible. One of her friends was asking me what was going on so I told her what I found out (I know - mistake). 9/07 - wife finds out I snooped. We meet for dinner - she says our M is over - we end up kissing and heavy petting.
11/07 - meet to have cell phone taken off her account. Have coffee - I throw out last olive branch. She says she misses my friendship, but not the husband/wife routine.
Later that month I find out from D25 that W has introduced her to the 'guy she would never see again'. I fill out paperwork to divorce w/out an attny.
1/11/08 - she gets back to me and states she would rather have an attorney do the D. I told her to get it done.
3/8/08 - calls to say she is meeting with attny.
D should be final any day. She lives with 'the guy she would never see again'. He had a serious gf and was doing my W on the side. So, not only was she cheating on me, but also the OW. Not sure if she still emails the married guy. She is unemployed and no longer has the company car. My understanding is that she drives one of his cars.
Sorry for the long reply, but to answer your question I would say there was certainly confusion on her part, but I have not heard any regret or apologies.
I tried dating a good friend (I know - mistake). She was (is) great, but we are in different places. She has been divorced for seven years.
As for standing, I, like so many others, wanted a reconciliation, but now realize that will most likely not happen. I still miss her and need to move on with my life - get my finances in order and hopefully get my own place within a year.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
Thank You Walking back, Sh, JMC and Sgctxok for responding this is really helpful for me to see it all on paper
WB many people do sort out their lives without leaving their M and finding a new R usually within moments or prior to leave I see my H as sick He is totally not the same the only connection I see to MLC is that all our spouses are simialr in many ways 2 people on my block have shared with me about MLC spouse and one left one considering leaving it is everywhere I am grateful though, in many ways it has been a gift to get to this place..I dont think I could have in mt M peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I am still on the board and I am sure you know my story. H and I have the most wonderful M and R now and I am truly grateful to all those that helped me on this board!
I appreciate all those who posted any other Oldtimers that would like to share what finally happened in there sitution would be appreciated? and what the MLCer is doing are they better, are they more connected to kids same or worse?would be appreciated Thanks PT
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
