Guilty as charged.. I am a WAW.

[Bridgestone]

Hi Distressed..
yes we have misunderstandings galore in our R.

We are in C for communication help.

I understand what you mean by I 'attacked his ego'.. he does place a huge value in himself in being successful in his business. And he is very good at it.

I try to affirm him for the things I want to see him do differently.. taking time off work, interacting with the kids outside of the 'have to have them talks' (which is hard given that we don't live together, but I try), listening attentively to me, initiating things to do & conversations.. etc.

Trying to do that as well as implement some things I need for boundaries in what was/is a verbally abusive relationship is also hard to do.

I'm looking forward to reading the book when it gets here.
Thanks!
Bridge

[Bridgestone]

Counseling was an interesting mix yesterday.

H had not 'written out' his homework. He does not like to write, probably less than he likes to read. It's not like it was a 5 page paper, it was writing out emotions, thoughts, actions, sensory data, & wants on a pie chart. Maybe 6 words per slice.

The counselor took him to task on it. H laughed it off, tried to smooth it over.. I thought about meeting the C's eyes to get a sense of what he thought, but I did not. I felt frustrated that H didn't take the time to work through it in a way that the counselor said we would get the most out of it. It makes it appear that while he is going to C. he is not putting the time into working on what we both decided needed priority.. communication.

Other than that I thought it went well. We used a 'talking wheel mat' to be able to say what we wanted. If you weren't on the mat, you couldn't talk.

C. asked me what it was like to have H just listen. I said it was weird. He asked me why and H interrupted and said, because I always interrupt her. The counselor said, oh really?

It was a pleasant car ride up and most of the way home. Until I caught him in a lie.

I tried to give him room to fess up, admit it, I didn't blow up, I didn't get defensive, I just kept stating the facts..I heard you say, I saw you do, then I heard you say... trying to give him a place to start from to reconcile the differences for me.

He sort of admitted to it and then it just got ugly after that. He grabbed my cell phone to see who I had been calling & texting. (just the usual suspects- there is no OM). I calmly let him do that and said "I consider this a violation of my privacy. I have nothing to hide, but it will take time to rebuild this trust you are violating with your actions right now".

He snapped the phone shut and dropped it back onto the console between the seats.. it hit the parking brake and broke the battery cover.. ugg. I just counted to 100 and resolved that I would pay for a new one from the joint account.

I dropped him off at his place, went in to get my D who was coming back to my place for her softball game later.

She was not ready to go, so I told him I would listen(using the talking mat) to him all the way through.

it just deteriorated into a blame game and defending his actions and how it was not a lie to him, it was a 'pretense to see how I would act when I found out' and 'omission of fact'. I said I will not willingly engage in game playing.

And I left. He followed me to the car and asked what he was suppose to do with D. I told him that me taking her with me to my place was a favor for him(it was... he had asked me on the way to C if I could take her back with me so he could do some extra work before her ballgame). I was rescinding that favor since he was being nasty and playing games.

He called me a bi$%ch and told me to go play games with someone else.

I sat in my car during D's ballgame, alternating between watching the game and crying. My dad finally came to the car and asked me what was wrong.. I tried to give him the nutshell version, his recommendation was to cut my losses, file for D, and get on with my life. That was very much in my mind all night.

I am still throwing that idea around in my head this morning.

H texted early (5:30am) and said he 'would give me the gift of silence if that is what it would take for me to be happy'.

I have not responded. A 180 for me.. I almost always pick up the phone when he calls, answer his texts, etc.

I have to meet a man about adopting my foster dog this morning. Then I have a paper to work on for school. It may be a while before I get back to him... what's a good rule of thumb? 24 hours? 6 hours?

ugg...

Bridge

[lodo]

Hey,

This is disheartening to read. Bridgestone, I know you're trying to be open to working on your M but your H just sounds like an opportunity-squanderer. Doesn't realize/think about what he's doing. Emotionally reactive.

My W did the same thing with C. After I found a C, found a time that worked for both of us, and got us there, she couldn't be bothered to make any effort. Didn't think about our homework etc.

But we were in different positions - she was the WA, not me. The way you and your H interact make it sound like he left you rather than the other way around.

His emotional outbursts, well, that's mature huh? He didn't apologize about breaking your phone and offer to replace? His text this AM sounds like another really mature action.

Sorry. He sounds like an ass. He certainly acts like one.

I'd give it at least 24 hours if not more. And if you have the time (and maybe you've already done this), I'd make a seriously reflective and detailed pros and cons list. Helps to see things in black and white.

lodo

bottom line, i guess, is that it takes two people working together. you have to decide if that is happening, or if you think it ever will.

[WCW]

Rude, controlling, and unacceptable. Unfortunately I have never been good at enforcing boundaries so I have nothing to offer. Sorry.

My question is - how did your moving and the kids being away affect the family business that H manages? prior to your leaving did you all work together as a family effort? Just wondering if he is under even more stress now without your help and lashes out in anger and being at a loss how to deal with you all being gone.

[Bridgestone]

Hi Lodo
thanks for the thoughts.. a pros & cons list is not a bad idea. I had one a year ago before I left. I should see if I can find it and compare.

The way you and your H interact make it sound like he left you rather than the other way around.

The thought that has been going through my head: IS this how LBS act when the WAW comes back? Is my agreeing to go to counseling for communication enough of an inroad to him that he now gets to 'let down' on the changes he had showed me he had made? To let his hurt & anger out about me leaving? Or is this just more of the same?

While he has always had an element of arrogance, rudeness & controlling to him.. what I'm seeing now has more of an 'edge'.

His emotional outbursts, well, that's mature huh? He didn't apologize about breaking your phone and offer to replace?

Nope.. he just gave his usual exasperated 'huff' and said.. "just like everything else I touch, it gets 'f'ed' up."

He has called twice now.. i have let it go to voicemail but he has not left a message.
God this makes it hard to concentrate on that paper with any coherent thoughts...

double uggg..I think I'll go have some ice cream!
Bridge

[Bridgestone]

Rude, controlling, and unacceptable. Unfortunately I have never been good at enforcing boundaries so I have nothing to offer.

I'm bad at it too..

My question is - how did your moving and the kids being away affect the family business that H manages?

Despite the FIL & MIL's worries that I would tear it apart, I have done nothing other than continue to sign lines of credit so it can operate as usual. And it has.

prior to your leaving did you all work together as a family effort?

No.. neither child ever showed interest in it beyond the initial 'spend time with Daddy at work' stage. He is a task master and relentless in his expectations. He did not make 'working for him' a pleasant experience, the employee turn-over demonstrates that.

He blames me for turning them off to this inherited, multi-generational family operation. He does not see his actions as having any effect or take into account both of his children are extroverts...working the isolated long hours he does would kill S & D.

I have helped out only when it was a crisis situation, week-ends, holidays, as I had my own fulltime job. So my leaving and not having the kids around really has no impact on him having more work at work.

Thanks for the support!
Bridge

[lodo]

The thought that has been going through my head: IS this how LBS act when the WAW comes back? Is my agreeing to go to counseling for communication enough of an inroad to him that he now gets to 'let down' on the changes he had showed me he had made?

I'd say no. At least, from the sitches I've read and my own experience. When MWD talks about it, it's in the context of the betrayal of infidelity, i.e. once the A is over the LBS has to deal with the feelings of betrayal. I'd think that when there's been no infidelity, the LBS realizes things weren't working and now it's time to work hard to turn the R around. That doesn't mean "letting down." Look at smartcookie's H - that's how I'd imagine it. that's how I was 9 years ago when W and I got back together. Sure, things weren't perfect, but we were both trying and working on it and trying to understand what the other needed.

he just gave his usual exasperated 'huff' and said.. "just like everything else I touch, it gets 'f'ed' up."

It's still all about him. He's got some waking up to do. In a big way.

lodo

[Forrest Gump]

Hey Bridgestone..

Can I ask what exactly did he say here... " H laughed it off, tried to smooth it over.."?

If you remember.

and

"it just deteriorated into a blame game and defending his actions and how it was not a lie to him, it was a 'pretense to see how I would act when I found out' and 'omission of fact'. I said I will not willingly engage in game playing."

I am assuming he was on the mat.. and he was blaming you for his actions.. or did you two start back and forth communication again? There is some hope here.. I just need to kinda picture it in my head.

How are you by the way.. beyond this stuff?

I did see your request to look at the other stitch.. I am making my way through my list.. I really do need more time.

[goldeylox]

((Bridge))

How you continue is more important than how you start. You can either be captive to a less-than-stellar past, or captivated by the promise of a bright future. Always remember that your life has meaning. The biggest threat to your future is not drugs or disease; it is a lack of self-esteem. Take your success seriously if you want others to respect you.

This is a quote from a friend of mine, the mediator who I worked with last year after I walked. In case you missed it, I'll repeat his wise words, which speak to me:

How you continue is more important than how you start.

I think I'm somewhere between you and Cookie. My Hus didn't call me a b*tch, but I'll bet he was thinking it. We've certainly had some whopper arguments both before and after MC sessions. This week has been nice for us, but when I read your post, I know that this honeymoon isn't going to last forever. I need to work on my self-esteem so I'm strong for whatever my future holds. My H, like yours, is impossible to work for. IMO, he has unrealistic expectations and has turned the Blame Game into an art form. He is a DAM, and this week we've had a mini-breakthrough with his interactions w/ kids. They've noticed he's acting different, but are not sure what to make of it.
Anyway, sorry to ramble, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Peace.

[goldeylox]

Rude, controlling, and unacceptable. Unfortunately I have never been good at enforcing boundaries so I have nothing to offer.

I'm bad at it too..

Ditto.