He called last night to cancel our "talk" meeting which had been planned for 3 weeks. He said he had urgent dental treatment.I know he has been in a lot of pain recently but to book on that date? Also he said we could reschedule but "not next week." In other words more avoidance. He knows I finish work in 3 days and need financial settlement. I am now at the end. He said " I miss my friend" but he is clearly not considering my desperate situation. If we arrange another date and meet I fear it will be more ambivalence and procrastination. I have battled for this marriage and been calm, friendly and validating for 18 months. With a heavy heart and many tears I have decided to divorce him. I love him still. Told him that last night the reply was silence. Sorry this is such a sad post. Feel I cant give any more, He was unfaithful with many women for 25 years and I ignored it- my fault I was in denial.We are co-dependant and this is going to hurt like h-l.
A, I'm sorry to read he canceled the meeting, but from what you had written earlier, I suspected he might do this. He can't face you, the situation or the mess he's created. So, what do you do? Go on w/your life and if he opts to catch up, so be it. You need to do what you must in order to survive. I'm very sorry it's come to this.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Talked on phone for an hour last night. He begged for a reschedule of meeting and in my weakness I agreed. He wont cancel this one as he is frightened of divorce. I explained that I cant afford to live here anymore at end of month as I am now not working . Came up with a plan to rent out marital home which has been empty a year and is unlikely to sell as housing market in England in crisis.He swore that his reason for not wanting divorce isnt just financial and I believe this. But money obviously comes into it! He said not a day goes by without him thinking about me. He agreed to call once a week. We meet in another 3- I have a much needed holiday first. He said he really misses his "friend"-thats a start I suppose.Im going to have to be firm on the money side will take a financial breakdown when we meet. I am going with my gut feeling on this which is that he is still confused and frightened and is hiding from everything. I feel more in control though-divorce is always a final option.Do you think I am being weak? I will do anything to save our relationship but not become homeless!
Communication has been much better since the resceduling of our talk. I can sense the relief he is feeling.He has sent an e-mail and an affectionate text in the last few days. I sent him a friendly postcard I thought he would like and he texted back right away to thank me. Other than that I dont pursue,never ring him or text etc. Know he is still working things out. Now people say I am being naive and that he is cake eating. To some extent this is true. But I have to go on my gut feeling -(Ive known him 28 years.)He doesnt want a divorce. Because he still loves me "You are so dear to me not a day goes by that I dont think about you" -but not in THAT way-(ILYBINILWY)and also he is frightened of the financial settlement /arrangement looming. Ive made it clear that if we dont agree on another option I will divorce him and Ive said if he forces me to this I wont forgive him,because of the cowardly ending.Last time we spoke I said you are giving up your closest friend and the one who loves you best .That really hit home. He is totally confused,not well physically ,and struggling to function at work-he told me this.I love him but can do nothing but wait,make sure I look after my financial needs and carry on with my life alone.Ive fought to save this marriage because I am certain we could be happy and I know he would regret it. If he is doubtful now he would spend the rest of his life thinking what if...This site and being able to put my thoughts down has kept me sane.I pray that all the others in distress here find peace and resolution.
Back from a great holiday and tried hard not to think too much about my poor marriage and the thread its dangling on. We (he) has rescheduled our finance talk to 7th August -Thursday.Of course he could chicken out again but I dont think so. I was so upset last time I said lets just divorce and let court sort settlement but he begged for a rescheduled meeting.There are 5 options that I can see open to us the first is divorce the other 4 are practical financial ones. I will try to be non emotional although after 3 months it will be all I can do not to throw my arms around him. He is so confused and scared.He says things like " You are so dear to me....not a day goes by that I dont think about you" But if this is so -and I sense he is telling the truth- why wont he work on the marriage? Its so difficult to be separated, in limbo and neither in nor out of a relationship. I feel I cant move.Cant imagine my life without him in it although weve been living apart a year now .Somehow we both keep holding on.
A, You can't move because you've not detached enough from the situation. My impression from your postings is that your entire life hinges on your h. A, you had a life long before your h entered into it and now that he's off in La La Land, you are going to have to dig very deep and pull that self reliant, independent woman back out of the bag and look at yourself as single for the time being. There isn't any guarantee that he's going to want to return any time soon, if ever. It's very, very important that you start carving out a life without him being the center for now.
He's struggling w/himself right now and yes, he's confused somewhat about what he wants. Just leave him out there to find the answers he's looking for, but in the mean time, find yourself in this entire mess and live your life to the fullest.
BTW, I'm very happy to read that you enjoyed your holiday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much for response. Do you have any tips about how I can do this? (detach more)I have spent half of my life with this man and yes, built my life around him. I think its the uncertainty is killing me- for the 6 months after the bomb while I was sorting out divorce papers etc I was grieving but getting on with things. Now,while he is so undecided I cant seem to focus on anything else for long.I have found some part time teaching work for September and that will really help-weekends are the worst.I know I should get a grip but have been told I will feel this awful for at least 2 years.I also am beginning to despise myself-after all I am nearly 60 not a needy child!
A, How you feel (after a divorce) depends upon you. No one can tell just how long it will take to grieve the loss of a marriage, i.e., it's just like grieving for a death of a loved one.
How I managed to move on was to sit down, make a list of things the needed to be done and a list of what I would like to do for myself, i.e., fun things. For every chore that needed to be done, I would factor in a fun thing as well. You will also think of him as someone who has passed on to the other side for a while.
The problem right now is that you are communicating w/him. It's opening up the wounds and leaving them festering. Limbo will do that to you if you don't find a way to keep your mind focused on other things. What you are experiencing is very normal. We all have gone through it at the beginning. So, take a deep breath, make those lists and then start doing some of the tasks. This would be a good time to discover new shops, cafes, etc. Look in your local paper for free exhibits, workshops, etc. You may need to be around people or "public" activities to help you keep your mind off of him. You'll need to try different things and when something works, stick w/it.
Think about you and your family and leave him out there to swing for a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks snodderly have been keeping busy-planned evening classes looking for house to rent and spending time with my daughter.H is coming up on Tues to"discuss options" (money matters) havent seen him for 3 months he said it will be upsetting(guilt)Have to sort this out then I feel I will be able to leave him swinging as you said.He knows where I am and he knows I love him.My gut feeling is also that this will take a long time with no guarantees so I have to move on.But as long as I am still married this is hard.I have always felt that in a couple of years he will turn up again in my life.He has always said he couldnt not see me,even during the bomb.Ive set myself some goals and that has helped.Thank you for replying to my posts-havent anyone else. After a year my family are compassion fatigued and cant understand why I still hold on,so I cant talk to them about it any more with them.
