Hi Bridge Been lurking a few days, following several threads with interest. I'm over in Newcomers but your H 'cycle' sounds similar to my H. Can't figure out how to insert my link yet. I'll work on that. Also, Hus prefers not to read much. Dyslexic. Responded well to the article on WAW Syndrome. We are going to the bookstore this week to look for an audio book. While some of your interactions are positive, and others not so much, I'm smiling for you that your sitch has not stalled. Peace.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
My H uses Audible.com for his audiobooks. You can download right away & start to listen.
I know he has gotten some of chapmans books (5 love languages) from there. I don't know if any of Michelles are available from there or not.
I"m reading controlling people by P. Evans and need to look for that on there for him. I have thought about asking him to listen to me read it. We did that on an anniversaryt get-away once with Mars/Venus. That was helpful to him. Maybe that could be one way the two of you connect?
Keep us posted on your progress and welcome to a very supportive place for your sitch.
Peace BS
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Hi SC thanks for the support and word of encouragement. Maybe I'm pinning too much on our inability to communicate effectively. Maybe my C & I have me convinced of working on the wrong thing.
My logic has been how can we work on the marriage foundation (as who we both are now) until the negative emotions are really dealt with, and how can we deal with the negative emotions until there is better communication?
He has not gone back to counseling at all since Oct. one phone call consult supposedly right before xmas when we had a huge blowup. The tools he has for anger management issues are still what they were then. Ugg.. I still can't make him do that. I have told him I was still going and I would like him to return to IC as well.
the MC asked last week if he was regularly seeing someone.. he said no, the counselor had that 'mmmm.. i see" look and tone of voice. You'd think he'd get it.. but there in lies the difficulty, he just doesn't!! Or if he does he just doesn't want to act on it. Either way I can not change that. I just need serenity to accept it...
OK.. I need to get busy on my schoolwork.. last week of class, but LOTS of grading of course to stay current on.
Peace & serenity to all.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Thanks Neil! I have recently acknowledged to myself that I am a quote collector. I have them on my frig, on cards, in books, in my head, on sticky notes on my computer.
I like how they can succinctly say what would take me pages & still not have the clarity the quote does.
I collect them because something in them resonates with me at the time. Songs are the same way... lyrics from songs can bring me to tears, even ones that I have not heard in decades.
I agree, courage & tolerance are both desirable traits to life's journey no matter where on that path you find yourself. Sometimes the trickiest part is to deicide if you are in the majority & need tolerance, or in the minority & need courage.
I"m conflicted about your quote.
I want the 'ease & acceptance'from others that I was able to try, and failed. Yet, I was raised with the parental attitude of "If you can't do it right, then don't do it at all". Yoda, sounds like my Mom. LOL
Thanks for stopping by. Peace
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I have not read all of you sitch but is seems you h has very low self asteam. He is making you responsable for his happiness. Wanting you to make promises you may not be able to keep in reguards the future of your M.
My W told me this was part of my problem. I allowed people to dictate my life to me. My W, people at work, kids, family members. Once I stopped allowing other people to run my life and do it myself, my confidence went up.
This might be why your H works so many hours. Is he a person that likes to please everybody. If so he is alot like me and will need to stop doing that. He needs to learn to do what is best for him and not what others want him to do all the time. He will be clingy and need approval from other people until he does.
He seems so afaid to fail that he is living in a constant state of fear and that is very unattractive and puts way to much pressure on you and your R.
This is JMO but it is what I was doing. Did you get the book "How to improve your relationship without talking". It goes into more detail about this. You would find it useful.
\ This might be why your H works so many hours. Is he a person that likes to please everybody.
His job is a family-owned business that he manages. So essentially he is self-employed. The long hours are the nature of, not only the type of business it is, but also his role in that business. But he does not manage his time well and admits this.
He says he is a people pleaser.. yet he does not, to me appear to do that for those he is close to, in fact in the past 5 years it appears to me that he has even actively (or passively) resisted doing things for the kids & I when we have asked. He says he tries to make everyone happy.. yet in doing so appears to make no one happy, including himself.
And he has admitted to being a work-aholic, yet does not seem to me, to be doing much about it. He has tried some things, but when push really comes to shove, the business takes priority, over the kids, over the R, over me, over his health, over friends.
I try to rationalize as "this is how he shows us he is a 'good dad/husband', by providing more"
but as I made the mistake of pointing out to him once... if you define being a good dad by only providing for them.. what kind of dad will you be once the kids are no longer dependant on you for the financial needs being met? He got very very angry.
Originally Posted By: distressed
Did you get the book "How to improve your relationship without talking". It goes into more detail about this. You would find it useful.
funny you should ask I was just on the Amazon website ordering that and Love without hurt.
I really appreciate the suggestions and encouragment.. thanks! Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
i think sometimes people take my quote the wrong way...... its not that you can't fail. You can. the bad thing is if you don't try because you'll never know if you could have succeeded. That's why its "Do or Do not"..... there really shouldn't be a middle ground...why give a half hearted effort (try) with something so meaningful? The end result will be fulfilling (regardless of the state of your M) because you WILL be a better person for this sitch.
Make more sense now?
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Yeah.. still sounds like my mom.. who was also notorious for adding to the front or back of the prior said comment "quit doing it half-assed"
the problem this created for me.. was I let her define what half-assed was. I thought I was doing my best, she got to decide otherwise. That was probably the start of me letting others define me. I never was taught to say.. 'that was my best effort' and have it be ok. If it didn't meet her expecations... it was 1/2 assed.
But yes.. Logically, I totally get what you're saying emotionally.. I'm working on it!
bridge
Last edited by Bridgestone; 07/14/0807:42 PM.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
He says he is a people pleaser.. yet he does not, to me appear to do that for those he is close to, in fact in the past 5 years it appears to me that he has even actively (or passively) resisted doing things for the kids & I when we have asked. He says he tries to make everyone happy.. yet in doing so appears to make no one happy, including himself.
This is what happens to people pleasers. We try to please everyone and nobody is happy and we get even more unhappy and than the anger sets in because we feel we are a failure. We hate letting people down but in actuality by not taking care of our needs we cause our own unhappiness thus causing the people around us to be unhappy. And the going out of his way to not do what you and the kids want is classic push against shove. Its all in the book.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
And he has admitted to being a work-aholic, yet does not seem to me, to be doing much about it. He has tried some things, but when push really comes to shove, the business takes priority, over the kids, over the R, over me, over his health, over friends.
He uses his work to try and make himself feel worthwhile. He feels this is the situation he has the most control over and if he is sucessful at work than everything else will be ok.
Originally Posted By: Bridgestone
I try to rationalize as "this is how he shows us he is a 'good dad/husband', by providing more"
but as I made the mistake of pointing out to him once... if you define being a good dad by only providing for them.. what kind of dad will you be once the kids are no longer dependant on you for the financial needs being met? He got very very angry.
You questioned his manhood and hurt his ego. You were just asking him to spend more time with you and the kids. What he heard I can't do anything right, nothing I do will please you.
He has the 1950's mentality that I bring home the money you take care of the house and kids and all will be fine. By questioning it he felt like a failure and lashed out at you. We have very fragile egos its hard to explain and you probably will never understand but trust me it gets hurt very easily. Than we clam up and shut down.
It was a missunderstanding. You meant A he heard B and both of you got defensive. Read HTIYRWT as soon as you get it. You will will understand what I am saying better.
He does not understand that him spending time with you and the kids is more important and more rewarding than having money to do stuff. You need to bring this up in a non accusing manner in MC.
