Feeling Hopeless...

[ann25]

I'll probably check out both those books... you know, in my spare time

Originally Posted By: ann25
I'm being cautious and not getting my hopes up because there have been times where he has helped for a few weeks before and then he just quits and get frustrated, but so far so good.
Poster: Neilh23
coming from an impatient DAM...that's the most difficult thing to overcome. i don't think i'm as immature as your H appears to be, but it does get difficult when we want things to move along at faster pace, and its not. it's hard for me and probably other women to say, "oh YAY, he's changed" after just a few short weeks when we've seen that before. as SC said, i have to act as if he's changed, so that's what i'm going to do. Too bad your W can't have a talk with SC...

thanks alot! ann

[ann25]

You're doing good keep with you path and hopefully I see H
taking off the rose colored glasses...

thanks brian, i feel like i'm doing good. I have a hard time standing up for myself in pretty much every aspect of my life and i'm trying to be better about that, but it's hard cause this is really the only place where i've ever seen women stand up for what they need. In my past, everytime i've taken a stand against something, it backfires... It takes a little pep talk on the way home from work each day to keep me doing it, but it's well worth it... Thanks so much!

ann

[ann25]

just when i think things might be getting better...

yesterday at work, the people i work with got together and got a gift card for my family to say congratulations for the new baby.

I called H and told him and asked if he'd like to get out tonight. that maybe we'd all get out and go to the store. He said that the girls have been really good considering the move and not really having all their stuff unpacked yet, so maybe we could get them a little something. After work, i drove for about 3 hours before i got home. to the bank, pay the old mortgage, pick up our doggie to being her to the new house, then back home. We went out when i got home, picked up some dinner and walked around the store. It was nice.

We got home and H went to go play basketball with some friends (i was really glad to see this as it's been a long time since he's gone out and done something fun with friends). While he was gone (for about an hour) i put the girls to bed, fed the baby and put the girls to bed again... they didn't want to stay in bed last night. I was going to try to do some unpacking, but didn't get to it.

When H got home, he got on the computer and after a few minutes, he asked if i had been on the computer. i told him not yet, but i did have some homework that i needed to do later. He said that someone was one it. I asked him why anyon would use it. He said he didn't think anyone else did. That comment didn't sink in...

later he asked me "are you sure you weren't on here, don't lie to me"
Me - "i'm not lying. I have no reason to, i wasn't on the computer."
H - "well, someone was"
Me - "I'm sure we can find out who in the morning, we can ask them"
H - yeah. (sarcasticly)
later...
H - "are you sure you weren't on here"
Me - "Yes, i'm sure. I was going to get on to do my homework, but i didn't get a chance cause the girls kept getting up and i had to feed the baby"
H - "well, i asked D4 about it and she said you were"
Me - "she was probably just confused because i told her i needed to do my homework and couldn't cause she kept getting out of bed"
H - "No, she said you were on the computer"
Me - "you know how she is, 5 minutes ago may as well be a week ago when she describes it. Everything with her is either yesterday or earlier"
H - "that's fine. It's not like you'd tell me anyways. i guess i'll just wait til you screw me over again"
Me - completely shocked... i didn't know what to say, so i just told him that's not going to happen.

later he asked if i checked his email and i told him yes, while i was at work cause i was waiting on an email from the phone company. he got an email from my best friends H and i the email does the automatic preview thing, so it looked like i had read it. He said that the last time he checked his email that it was new and i said that i must have checked it right after that then.
h - No, it was new.
me - it seems like you are just looking for a way to say i'm lying.
H - i don't have to look for it.
me - i have no reason to lie to you.
H - it's not like you'd tell me anyways.

I got online later to do some homework and i came here and posted to someone and then went to bed...

good news - baby finally slept through the night... bad news - i couldn't...

this morning, H won't answer my phone calls and wouldn't say goodbye.

I don't know what to do...

ann

[Dom R]

Sigh...

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

on the one hand, your H has a semi-reason to be concerned.
on the other hand, the timing of this, says that he' might being petty from you asking him to do things, and is looking for a way to feel more "in control" again. ie: put you into an "inferior/penitant" position, to get back at you.

It can be tough to find a balance between showing him that you are trustworthy now... and not letting him just go way overboard about it.

Having been in his place, but where unlike you, my wife had actually resumed messing around behind my back online (but claiming she wasnt doing anything), I can say that it would not be right for you to take the stance of, "Well, i'm NOT DOING ANYTHING, so just TRUST ME!"

He doesnt "know" that you arent doing anything. And if you were a different person, you might actually BE doing something. It's tough for both of you.
It's tough for you, to be accused of this. It's also really, really tough for him to not feel secure about you.

As difficult for it is for you.... you have no idea how horrible it can be from his side. "torture" would be an accurate word.

I'm not sure I have a "good" solution for this to you, but I have suggestions... perhaps you could first of all, do whatever you can to show him that when and how you use the computer is 'safe'.... Then beyond that, maybe accept that, because you cant "prove" that everything you do is safe, you're forcing him to trust you... and so be understanding, within limits

Be understanding that he could be worried, and scared, and flinching, and be reassuring... but dont accept negative treatment of you because of it.

My view is:
Fair reactions from him: Expressions that he doesnt fully trust you, that he's worried, withdrawing from you a bit.

UNfair reactions from him: " I dont trust you, so I'm going to call you nasty names, and/or make you be a personal slave to me, and I'm not going to do anything nice for you back."


It's a really, really tough balance to find. I think that both people have to be willing to put up with some amount of "hurt", to heal.

Condensed advice: Keep reaching out to him. Be nice to him (but still expect him to help). and he should get over this time.
Patience, and Love, are the keys, to healing just about anything. Even full blown affairs.

[smartcookie]

<<My issue with sex isn't so much H knowing what i like, it's that i'm not attracted to him.

That will come when he's there for you emotionally. Everything about my H turned me off for a long long time. The way he walked, ate, breathed, slurped his tea. LOL I would avoid even brushing against his arm. It's much better now. It's just impossible to be attracted to someone who's hurt you so much. Once you heal, it will be much better.

<< I think i need my H back to really want him, not just sex.

I agree. But, strange as it may sound, you may want to put off the physical needs until he matures emotionally a bit.

<< why are you being such a b about everthing? Sometimes you are so dumb. stuff like that. I did pretty good at stopping him immediately and telling him that he can't talk to me like that, so he says "oh, sorry", but then he does it again later...

when he says sorry, then does it again later, he's not sorry, he's patronizing you. Go to the library & find a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It will teach you more technique & skill to stop him from doing that. That's uncalled for. I told my H I wouldn't even speak to him until he read the VAR book completely through. He's not a reader, normally, but he finished it in two days.

<<I've taken a lot of that, i'm not taking it anymore.

Good Girl !! You shouldn't.

<<I'm trying to start small, just to get him used to helping at all.

That's great.

<<I'm rarely actually too tired at the end of the night. It's more about how he treats me that makes me want/not want to have sex.

Sweetie, it's not that you're tired, you're teaching him that it's not that he's "helping" you. It's his responsibility, he's the husband & father. He's supposed to be your partner. But you're right to go slow. It's a process.

<<I think i never learned how to use it. I learned a lot about how to put up with crap from my mom. That's actually what brought me here, i started yelling. My mom yelled. She was always angry, i didn't want to be her. I was looking at a website to find out about getting a divorce and found something about a WAW and thought that was me. It lead me here and I've been here ever since. I grew up thinking that the way my dad treated my mom was just ok. I just want to break that cycle.

& you will. This is a great place to grow your self-esteem & worth.

<<yes, please.

okay, just remember, you asked for it. tee hee (teasing)


<<thanks so much!!

it's my pleasure. & as you learn, you teach someone else, okay ? Pay it forward.

Hugs.

[ann25]

so, it's been a long day and while i apprecaite everyone's comments, i don't have the energy or mental capacity to respond right now... we'll save that for tomorrow.

i did want to share this though. A friend just emailed it to me:

Isaiah 26:3-4 (New International Version)

3 You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
4 Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.

i want a perfect peace, so i just have to keep trusting...

ann

[fb2]

Hi <<Ann>>, One observation I had was that some of the "advice" you've been getting was a bit muddled - what you wanted to hear but slightly off key. I see amazing <<CookieMonster>> has engaged, so hopefully you'll get results much faster now! Tap into Forrest Gump (a.k.a FG) at some point once you're out of the rut and moving along. And yes do be patient with the LORD.