Feeling Hopeless...

[ann25]

hi all. Sorry i've been away. I'm back at work now, so i'll be here more often...

During this last week we moved. It has been a busy and stressful time for us.

Day care will be going up about $600 per month now that i'm back at work, so we have a family friend watching the girls. We are kind of trying her out to see how she does cause i'm a little worried that she won't be able to handle it. H decided that if she doesn't work out, he'll just keep them home with him... i can't get him to change a diaper or keep his temper with them and now he wants to keep them home with him all day while he's working. I expressed my concerns about it. I never said I didn't think he could handle it or that he wouldn't do a good job, but i did tell him that they are a lot of work and need more attention than his job will allow him to give them. I told him that i didn't want him to feel like he was stretched too thin. He got mad because i guess my mom had said something similar to him and so now i'm taking her side... I didn't even know she talked to him and i told him very clearly that this was my own personal concern and had nothing to do with my mother. Anyways... that should be a fun experiment. He had them today (with someone's help) and is already wondering what he's going to do tomorrow.

It's hard talking to my H sometimes. I'm really struggling with his insecurities and the fact that he refuses to deal with them... He made a comment about how now that we've moved there is nothing really tying me to him anymore (cause we are selling our home and renting) and how it would be easy for me to just walk away. I asked him if he really thought that was how i felt and he said no, he was just kidding. I reassured him anyways, but i know him. He wouldn't have said it if there wasn't some truth to it.

OK - Beyond that, let me respond to Dom...

In situations like these, I think you have to stop being so "polite". No more of the "I would prefer it" language. He takes that as "I can ignore it".
Stop letting him feel entitled to just loaf around the house goofing off.

you are right. I am always polite about things. I am really trying not to be as nice about things.

I think you should have him handle dinner more often.

LOL... sorry, that was funny. If i don't cook, he will either not eat or just grab a bag of chips or something. It's important to me that my Ds eat well, so i make sure that they have food. There have only been a couple times that i haven't fed them if i have to go out and one of those times they ate potato chips for dinner... the other time i can think of he made tv dinners and i told him what a great idea that was and how much i appreciate him taking care of that. He is perfectly capable of doing things, he just doesn't. When I had wrist surgery and couldn't cook, we at pizza for like a week. that's just not healthy. That and i really enjoy cooking and baking. it's something that i'm good at and (when thing go smoothly) helps me relax...

"I do the best that I can do. If you want it 'better than the best that I can do', then you need to either hire someone, or do it yourself. Or just ACCEPT HOW I DO IT. "
(remind him about you telling him a few days ago he needs to accept you )
Then, ask him to pick which one it's going to be.

this is good. i do need to be stronger about things like that.

When i reminded him about how he's agreed to make some changes, he reminded me that i said i didn't need everything all at once. So i told him that i don't, but something does need to start changing. I told him if he doesn't feel like our M and Family is worth the effort that he should tell me now, either that or commit to actually making some changes. He said that i and just trying to start a fight that of course he thinks it's worth it. I told him that i'm not trying to start a fight, i'm trying to save our M. he didn't say anything, so maybe he thought about that a little.

So, i'm not really sure how things are right now. We've been so busy moving and packing that we haven't really talked. He's had a super short temper, but i'm figuring most of that is because of the move, so i'm letting it go. My in-laws have been a god-send with watching the girls while we do everything.

So - there it is... time to go home now... see you all tomorrow.

ann

ps... THANK YOU!!!

[sandi2]

Hi Ann, it has been a long time! So good to see you hear just to say hello. You were always so sweet to me on my stitch. Guess I need to catch up with what has been going on with you. Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hi. Hope you are taking care.

Sandi

[Tomato]

Thanks for the update Ann. I appreciate hearing from you. I hope you are getting settled into the new place. I'll be praying for you and your H, that you will be patient with one another and compassionate. I'll also pray for steady positive growth in your R, no matter what the pace of it might be. Good night and God bless you and the family.

[Dom R]

HI Ann!
glad to hear that you are still in a "working on it" frame of mind. That's the best thing

some quick words before i hopefully turn in for the night...

about the daycare thing... I think you're doing pretty well there. That is to say, leaving him room to "step up", IF he decides to do so. Neither extreme of forcing him to do it all, OR forcing him to stay out of it, is a good thing really.
If he wants to get involved now, even though he never has before... great! Give him encouragement and help when he asks for it, and back off(as much as is safe for your daughter) when he doesnt. allow him to make mistakes, so long as they arent long-term harmful. it's the best learning experience

I think you should have him handle dinner more often.

LOL... sorry, that was funny. If i don't cook, he will either not eat or just grab a bag of chips or something. It's important to me that my Ds eat well, so i make sure that they have food. There have only been a couple times that i haven't fed them if i have to go out and one of those times they ate potato chips for dinner... the other time i can think of he made tv dinners and i told him what a great idea that was and how much i appreciate him taking care of that.

Hrrm.

What I could have said better, however, was , instead of "let him" take care of dinner... more along the lines of telling him, "ok, tonight, it's your turn to take care of dinner FOR ALL OF US". Him, Ds's, AND you.
I'm pretty sure he wouldnt dare to feed you potato chips but you still might be stuck with frozen dinners.
I think that you could have *some* amount of input, into what is provided for the family. ie: a counter-"suggestion" of, "well, tv dinners are one thing... but what if you got takeout from xyz instead?"

If he still says "no i just want to do tv dinners", though... you should then accept it gracefully. Remember, you're asking him to do this, to relieve YOU, of dinner duty sometimes. So if that is accomplished, even if it's not to your perfect satisfaction... you have to live with it.
He has to accept your efforts in some areas, so you have to accept his. right?

I told him if he doesn't feel like our M and Family is worth the effort that he should tell me now, either that or commit to actually making some changes. He said that i and just trying to start a fight that of course he thinks it's worth it. I told him that i'm not trying to start a fight, i'm trying to save our M.

Any marriage counsellor will tell you, that "starting a fight" is not the worst thing you can do for a marriage. By far a worse thing, is NEVER fighting about ANYTHING.
Then nothing ever gets resolved, and things just keep getting worse and worse.

Just a thought there for you. I think you actually handled that quite well... and, wonder of wonders, you got a good response from him!

Keep fighting for your marriage! (just... fight "with love"? )

It sounds to me like you are doing quite well. This is a long and slow effort... sounds like your efforts are already having some results, though. that's great!

[ann25]

Hi Sandi - long time no see... hehe

Thanks for stopping by to say hi. I've barely been here over the last couple months cause i've been out on maternity leave, but i'm back... How are you doing?

ann

[ann25]

tomato - thank you for your thoughts and prayers... one can never have too many of those!

I'm trying to be patient, so far it's not going terribly well, but i pray that God will help me in that area...

Take Care ann

[sandi2]

Dear Ann,

I am doing okay. I am back over in Piecing forum again and things with my M are so much better. I do worry about my H's health issues and of course, I still have my own physical problems, but life goes on. I feel a lot more remorse now for what I did where OM is concerned. You know, it took a while for me to actually get to that point....I mean, I was sorry that I hurt my H, etc., and I was embarrased....but I think I was so angry at him not feeling as though he had any part of the breakdown in the M that it blocked me feeling the remorse......and I think I needed to feel that. I have felt more spiritually convicted about it, so I think that is good or else I might find it more tempting when things are tough.

Which brings me to something I saw on one of your posts. I haven't had time to catch up, but I agree that it would be better to sit down at the right time and try to tell your H that you don't plan to ever get involved with OM but that he (your H) is not making it any easier for you by behaving the way he is b/c that was what led you in that direction the last time. I think in regards to what I just said about myself that it makes us WW (I hate that term) feel resentful when all the blame is placed on us for our transgressions but the H won't own his part of the failure in the R. And....when he continues or goes back to the old patterns, it makes us even more resentful b/c we think we might had as well stayed with OM. I'm just saying those are some "thoughts" that I think some of us have.....not that we choose to go back to OM. We just want the H to get on the "program" with us....right?

Anyway, I will try to catch up soon. Are you and the new baby doing okay? I take it was another girl. That's sweet.

Got to go for now. Talk later.

Sandi

[ann25]

glad to hear that you are still in a "working on it" frame of mind. That's the best thing

you inspired me to change the subject of my thread... i'm trying desperately to keep myself in that frame of mind. I keep having moments where i just wonder why i bother, but i do my best to squash those as they occur... hopefully i'll start feeling that way less often.

about the daycare thing...

I agree with you about this... I'd absolutely love for him to step up and really start caring for them. Hopefully today will be better than yesterday. Yesterday, they didn't eat lunch and were eating potato chips when i walked in the door at 6:30 last night. He didn't even have the baby as my friend watched her, so we'll see how it goes.

He has to accept your efforts in some areas, so you have to accept his. right?

If he actually prepared a meal for our family i would probably die from the shock of it.... just kidding (sort of). I would appreciate any effort. TV dinners, frozen burritos, top ramen (my girls love that stuff)... anything would be fine with me.

Here's a great example of my issue... yesterday, i got home from work and he went upstairs to rest a little. I go to wake him up about an hour later for dinner, he says no. I go up about 30 minutes after that cause the baby was hungry and it's easier to feed her if he can keep an eye on the girls, he said just a minute. I go up 15 minutes later and he says he's just too tired to get up. 45 minutes later i turned on the light and told him he needed to get up and i walked away. he comes down stairs all angry and asks what i want. I told him i needed him to keep an eye on the girls while i fed the baby, so he kinda did for a minute, then they were down sitting on the couch with me while he was doing stuff upstairs. I guess daddy told them to go play somewhere else.

Then he gets upset cause i'm falling asleep feeding the baby. I'm exhausted. I'm getting like 3 hours of sleep at night cause of the baby. Then i'm out working all day and i come home and play with my babies... I don't take 3 hour naps in the evening, i don't wake up at 9 am. It doesn't fit into my schedule.

Am i really asking for so much, that he be awake and keep an eye on the girls for 20 minutes so i can feed the baby?

Any marriage counsellor will tell you, that "starting a fight" is not the worst thing you can do for a marriage. By far a worse thing, is NEVER fighting about ANYTHING.
Then nothing ever gets resolved, and things just keep getting worse and worse.

Just a thought there for you. I think you actually handled that quite well... and, wonder of wonders, you got a good response from him!

He always accusses me of starting a fight with him. at least once a day, if not more. Heaven forbid i disagree with him.

We fight alot, just never about anything. It's always stupid little things that don't even matter.

I guess the way i said it made his response sound better than it was. He was sarcastic and grumpy about it. The words were right, but the attitude behind them was waaaay off. I'll take what i can get though.

I'm just going to keep trying to do my part of this and pray for the best.

Thanks Dom!!

[ann25]

I am back over in Piecing forum again and things with my M are so much better.

I'm so glad to see that. I'm really glad that your feeling's have changed about the OM. Maybe that's what i need. I don't know.

I agree that it would be better to sit down at the right time and try to tell your H that you don't plan to ever get involved with OM but that he (your H) is not making it any easier for you by behaving the way he is b/c that was what led you in that direction the last time. I think in regards to what I just said about myself that it makes us WW (I hate that term) feel resentful when all the blame is placed on us for our transgressions but the H won't own his part of the failure in the R. And....when he continues or goes back to the old patterns, it makes us even more resentful b/c we think we might had as well stayed with OM. I'm just saying those are some "thoughts" that I think some of us have.....not that we choose to go back to OM. We just want the H to get on the "program" with us....right?

This is a conversation we've had many times. it's funny, cause sometimes when i think about OM, i can't believe how fooilsh i was to think it was real, but for a moment i did. no matter what it was, he made me feel special and loved, which was something i needed. I just needed it from my H instead. I would never even consider OM again, but I won't settle for less than that again. That's why i'm still working on it cause i really want it to be my H that makes me feel that way. I'm hoping eventually it will be worth the work.

and yes, it was another baby girl and we are both great... they are cute now, but i can't even imagine when they are 17,15,13... that should be fun... hehe.

take care ann

[fb2]

Hi ann, The dominant advice to you says "assert yourself" then you say "I'm trying, but ...". And then a similar circular argument with the OM - H's bad behavior led to OM, then that led to more bad behavior from H, you complain more, so OM's ghost remains in the background. Seems like a Catch 22?! Did you find smartcookie's approach helpful at all? There are some similarities: internet OM(EA) -> angry/insecure/controlling H -> potential WAW -> (lots of hard work) -> recommitment. There are actually a bunch of other potential WAW around trying to pull it off. I know this sounds more like a push than encouragement!