A, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds like you both have issues that need to be faced and dealt with. It sounds like you both may have lost your individual selves during the marriage and now he's searching for himself. This happens a lot in marriages...we tend to build our worlds around our spouses and forget that we are two separate individuals w/different needs at times. That's why it's difficult when one spouse walks and we are left behind. Our world is fractured because we are just as lost as they are. It is so important to keep the focus on you and your children during this time because you are going to have to find a way to survive, heal and live as a "separate" individual. It's a time of self discovery and to do the things that you've put off because you had no time to do them while he was at home. It's a time for you to think about what you want to do w/your life if he doesn't return.
You have some goals, i.e., teaching and traveling. This is good. I believe the time away with your daughter and grandchildren will be just what the doctor ordered. It will do you a world of good to have a change of scenery and not be thinking about what he's doing constantly. When you begin to think of your meeting on the 17th, pull out the trip information and focus on that. It may help to ease some of our anxiety.
A, it's a difficult road to travel, I kid you not, but you are going to make it. It's one day at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well,hes gone quiet again! After last Monday when we set up the date for "The Talk"-divorce or not and financial settlement for me.He said "Well I wont leave it 2 weeks before I contact you again" (Meeting is on 17th) but Ive heard nothing. I know its because he is ashamed,scared and confused but I get upset to think he doesnt seem to care how I am.At least I am strong enough now to leave him alone.He said last time he "didnt mean to be silent but he felt so bad he didnt know how to call"- what does that mean?!
Sorry snodderly just wrote the above without realising you had replied! (not used to format and terrible with technology) As usual you have hit the nail on the head I completely lost my identity in the marriage and lived only for him. I really feel I dont know who I am and am obsessing about the future, and if I can cope without him which is nuts as I have done for a year. Its the roller coaster of hope and despair- "I want a divorce no wait a minute I will decide in the new year "etc.Cant bear to think of my life if he doesnt return because of the way this ended-no effort to rebuild,no anger, still love, but fear and confusion also .Am praying so hard he finds peace and clarity. His guilt is enormous and I worry that this will get in the way of us being able to become close.Thank you for your posts .
A, It's not that your h doesn't seem to care about you and how you feel, but he's an emotional wreck right now. Heck, he can't help himself, so how can he help you? As for going quiet...that's normal, especially if something is coming up that they would rather sweep under the rug and depression could be forcing him to focus on his "me" self right now. You have to remember that the crisis is all about him and you really don't factor into his equation except that you and the relationship are what is holding back from his freedom, illusive happiness and no responsibilities. Keep in mind, they all think this way and it's something you've said or done. They just completely look at us as the enemy and this can go on for quite a while. That's why it's important to leave them alone as much as possible to work through the process.
His comment about he felt so bad to call....depression and guilt at their finest. All of his strength right now is being used up in the day-to-day world putting on masks so that others think he's fine. He's emotionally beat up and can't deal w/talking about separations/divorce and finances, but it's got to be done and you are going to have to be the one to keep your business hat on when discussing finances. Leave your heart at the door because you are dealing w/business matters.
I'm sorry, it's frustrating, but if you read some of the threads posted in this forum and the resources threads, you'll discover they all follow a similiar path. The Mother Ship loads up every day and they are gone for a very long time in some instances.
You now are on your own and you have to find a way to take care of yourself and do not rely on him to be rational or their to support you. It's all about him now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks-problem is he doesnt act as if I am the enemy-he is really sweet and considerate when we talk;though very nervous if I mention feelings eg Me"so have you got some meaning back into your life ; are you content?" Him"it varies- I am still whirling around"?!!?He is and always has been a master of controlling and hiding his feelings I am the total opposite.Wish I could control my thoughts and stop over analysing. I lurch between"he is away probably with OW and doesnt give a damn about me " and " He must be thinking about me I spent half of his life with him and honestly kept my vows to love,honour and obey how can he do this and sleep at night? etc"I am stronger than last year at this time when I nearly had a real breakdown but still full of fear and anxiety.How can I best negotiate what I need to live financially,keep relations friendly ,and indicate that I am moving on with my life but havent given up on us? Dont suppose you could fly over to England for our meeting next week ? (joke) Thanks for posting. Hope when all this is over I will be able to support others.
Got a random phone call last night from him for no particular reason that I can see except he did say before that he would call before our meeting.Was complaining about his health(again) this time a tooth abcess.I did sympathise and we chatted casually about his parents ,work,and the sale of our house. Nothing else. It takes my breath away how, on the verge of divorce after a 28 year marriage he can act as if everything was normal.When he called I was on the point of going out with my little grandaughter waiting at the door so I probably sounded a bit vague and distant.I asked him to call next week and confirm aboutThursday-so nervous; must get my thoughts clear about what I want when time comes.Wear business hat-problem is finances are bound up in whether or not we divorce so relationship issues seem unavoidable.Am praying for strength and courage.
A, Your h is all into himself these days. He wanted you to know about his health issues. He wanted sympathy from you about his latest issue w/his tooth. Sounds like the stressors in his life are rearing their ugly heads. They all go through this "poor me" stage. Listen, validate and just let it go. They have to figure it out for themselves.
As for you, enjoy your time w/your granddaughter. Yes, the 17th is around the corner, but everything will fall into place. You will need to try to keep your emotions in check a bit when you do meet. Emotions tends to make a mess of things when it comes to separating the finances, etc.
Try to enjoy your day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, have had to keep myself busy this weekend to stop from brooding and obsessing. I keep playing imaginary conversations and possible scenarios over in my head. I suppose its a good sign he has had the courage to agree to a meeting as he runs away from anything potentially unpleasant.Will try to be pleasant and businesslike and not talk about relationship but it will be hard to avoid divorce talk as this affects finance discussion.Will try to let him lead the meeting and talk about what he wants-probably more of the same-space ,and calling infrequently for no particular reason. But if he surprises me and asks for divorce then so be it. I get really angry when I imagine he is trying to force my hand in a passive/agressive way so that he can say "she divorced me" to make him feel better. But why should I do the dirty work? Ive asked hom continuously do you want me to send off the final paper. He has said that he cant bring himself to sign. I guess this is cake eating but I do sense a genuine confusion.
There is a book called 'Crucial Conversations'. It deals with all sorts of scenarios - but I have heard people on here talk highly of it when they have wanted to prepare for an important conversation with a loved one. It sort of goes through technique etc as well as options.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks Saffie-will look out for that . Its so difficult when I know everything I say will be thought about and analysed by him ,and we havent seen each other for 2 months. I am so nervous -its ridiculous when weve been married 28 years!Well, I still love him and will give it my very best divorce-busting shot.Being alone for a year has taught me a lot though- especially that I can live without him and be,if not happy ,content in a lonely way.
