H and I separated 1 yr-married 28.Usual classic lines"I love you but not sure we can live as man and wife...Dont know what I want...can you hold the divorce a while...I am in a fog...all the cards in air .".etc etc.weve been in touch regularly and seen each other every 2 or 3 weeks. There has been OW involved but he is equally ambivalent with her.My DB efforts seemed to be working I became his friend and no R talks. But a couple of months ago I blew it and said we (he) had to decide. After that -silence from him for 5 weeks and I didnt pursue. Eventually I texted him to say dont force my hand (to divorce)if you want to discuss options call me .He texted back same day to say he had been feeling so bad it had made him ill and he had been thinking about me etc.Anyway, we are going to meet on 17th to talk about"what we both want" But this is my problem. I retire in 3 weeks and dont have enough to live on.I know that discussing money will not help my DB efforts and I really want to save and rebuild the marriage.He is clearly really guilty,very nervous,still cares but wont commit.If there was any way I could leave him alone-financially and emotionally while he sorts his feelings out I would .Whats the best way to approach this meeting ?its going to be a vital one for our relationship.Last year when bomb went off I fell apart for 6 months and just about faced divorce happening when he asked for more time. Now with the things he is saying I have hope but I have to live- my soliciter says after such a long marriage I would get bulk of house sale,maintenence and split our pensions-Just want enough to live on really with or without him. Still love him so much.Anyone in similar sitch?
A, As a general rule here, we ask posters to keep to one thread so that we can follow your situation.
I honestly do not believe that your h is actually ready to sit down and talk to you about what you both want. I suspect he's going to tell you he requires more time to sort himself out. MLC takes a very long time to work through and, in a way, you are pushing him to make a decision quickly. If he returns home, he will be miserable and make your life miserable as well. He could then run once again and this time, it would be worse than the first time. Since you are wanting answers to the million dollar question of what he wants, he may very well tell you to file for a divorce. They generally take the easiest way out of any situation at this time.
A, is there any way to do a legal separation? This would allow things to be spelled out and what you could expect in the way of monies while he's off on Mars? If not, he could very well promise you the moon just to get you off his back and then not provide for you at all. Has he been providing for you since he moved out?
In the meantime, make a list of all of your expenses so that you have some talking points when you meet w/your h. Money will be the second "sore" point w/him right now as he is most likely wanting not to share it w/anyone but himself and on his "fun" things.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's never easy, but when you have retirement looming in the wings, it does make one very uneasy as to how you will survive financially w/a spouse on Mars. It's going to be a very emotional and difficult conversation unless you can look at the discussion as a business deal and not as a husband and wife that are separated. Can you do this?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly not sure how to keep to one thread does it mean just reply to replies about my postings? Did not mean to break the rules but am so confused and anxious.Have actually thought about a legal separation but not sure how he would feel. He is adamant he doesnt want divorce but as you say,if backed into a corner he may. I have continually asked him do you want me to divorce you?No, he hasnt provided for me we are waiting for our (empty) house to sell and in mediation said he couldnt afford it-luckily I found a two term teaching contract to keep me going (im actually on my pension now)but it finishes soon.I wouldnt agree to full reconciliation now even if he suggested it I know it wouldnt work after 25 years of dysfunction ,rebuilding wont be easy.I could never feel its like a business deal but could act as if and think he would respond to that. In fact I am going to suggest we rent a house together for only me to live in for 6 months to give him more time. Thanks for your reply.
A, Don't apologize about posting to several threads. You are new here and didn't know this. So, what you do is continue to post on this one and reply to the posters who come to visit. Once this thread locks (about 100 postings), you can then begin a new one with a new title, etc.
It's a very sticky situation that you have there. If he wants more time, then give it to him, but with the stipulation that he has to help support you since you going to be retired and that your pension won't be enought to live on. If you don't want a divorce, then don't raise the subject of the divorce again. It sounds to me like he's a very confused puppy and is trying to figure things out in his own way, which is do nothing but stay frozen, so to speak.
Make a list of your expenses and take it to the meeting with him. Be upbeat and whatever you do, try to remain calm and collected. He's not going to be able to handle much in the way of stressors then. If he gets a tad out of hand, just cut the meeting short and let him know that when he's ready to talk, you are available to continue the conversation.
I don't think he's going to go for renting a house in both your names. I suspect he's going to want you to do this w/o his assistance. I may be wrong on this, but when they are like this, they are trying to cut the ties in all areas of life w/us.
Continue to post; others will be joining in soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much for wise advice. You are so right- all I hear right now is "My feelings keep changing I dont know what I want" I will try to be upbeat and non-emotional at the meeting. He sounded terrified last time we spoke and said he felt so stressed he had passed out recently.I feel so concerned but my fault has always been to organise and "mother" him.My instincts tell me he is beginning to regret walking out-the 5 weeks silence although not long seems to have affected him -we have always been in regular touch -usually me instigating -but Im strong enough to leave him alone now.I think if we are going to rebuild it will be a very slow process- He feels ashamed and so guilty I know. I have been trying to validate his feelings and even his actions and admit my part in the marriage breakdown and that has helped.Am also trying to GAL but its not easy in limbo! Thanks again its 2 am in England as I write this-still have trouble sleeping a year after the bomb!
I am feeling so sick and nervous about our talk on 17th. Dont think I will be able to stop crying- could be the last time I see him. He sounded so scared and anxious on the phone.I think he will ask for more time but the subject of financial support will have to be brought up.Strange, I felt much calmer during the 5 weeks we had no contact at all.But he said he felt dreadful then and it "made him ill" and"dont think I wasnt thinking of you but I felt so bad I didnt know how to call" - all this tears me up- why cant he be mean and cold then I would be able to finally sign the divorce papers. Neither of us seems able to -is this called co-dependency?
A, It's very normal for the both of you to fill ill about this situation. His is guilt and confusion over what he would like to do, but hasn't gotten up the nerve to do it. He wants to continue holding on to the lifeline that is tied to your apron string and yet be out there exploring the world as a "carefree" man. The depression will also create a lot of ilness for him as he progresses down the path of MLC as well.
You are anxious about what you think will transpire on the 17th. It's normal. When we don't have contact w/them, we are able to regain our balance a bit and pretend that things are going along okay. However, when we know that we are going to have to contact w/them, it will put your entire system into knots. Why? Because the person you knew isn't the same person you are dealing w/right now. Yes, they look the same, but they are going to be the complete opposite of what they were before the switch was hit. It's called the "mirror image". You are going to have to find a way to think of him as the neighbor or a cousin visiting in order to get through this.
Your h can't be cold or angry right now because he's in the very early stages. As he progresses through the crisis, he may very well turn angry when he realizes what he's about to lose, i.e., money, financial standards, etc. As long as the boat isn't rocked very hard, they don't usually exhibit the anger. But, the more you push, the harder they will pull back and believe me, if you pin him to the wall, he's going to come out swinging in time.
Now, you need to try to focus on something other than your h for today. Find a good movie to go see, go window shopping, visit a friend, etc. But do something to help you take the focus off of him and the meeting for just a little bit.
I'm sorry you are feeling sick and nervous about the upcoming meeting. Stay positive, it may not turn out the way you think it might.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks snodderly you sound so experienced! Ive always found the weekends hardest.Im trying to be positive- after all he doesnt want divorce-its just that he wont be with me either! But I am so afraid-I feel that if he becomes angry it really will all be over. For 28 years we didnt fight- everything was pushed down.Is there a pattern to this? He seems to be saying the usual things judging from other posts. How long will it last? Is a year still the early stages?Should I hang on ? I know I should get a life but I honestly feel I am falling apart all over again in this limbo. I appreciate so much your replies.
A, Take a deep breath. It sounds like he's in the early stages of the crisis. He's confused, not sure of what he wants, trying to figure things out and that crying and sobbing and not knowing whether to call or not are some of the early signs. How long will it take? No one can answer that question for you except God. Each crisis is different because each of is different, raised differently, childhood issues are differently, etc. Some last 2-7 years and others may last forever, if the mlcer opts to stand in the Peter Pan mode for the rest of his/her life. There's no way to tell. That's why it's important that you take care of yourself and act as if he's not returning.
None of us can tell you to hang on. You have to make that decision yourself. If you love this man and had a good marriage, I most certainly would do everything in my power to try to have faith and stay positive about the situation. Turn your situation over to God and allow him to work on your h. The more you contact him and have discussion, the less time he has to focus on himself and work things out.
Now, pull yourself up, dust yourself off and find an outlet for your frustrations. Sitting around worrying about something that may or may not happen on the 17th is only going to make you ill and drive you nuts. One in the family is enough. Now, make a list of things that you have wanted to do, but never had time to do and get started. One step at a time, one day at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks-yesterday was a really bad day- dont know why. I do love him and dont believe in divorce without at least trying which we havent done yet. The marriage was a lonely one for both of us . We loved each other but couldnt communicate about personal feelings. We werent intimate for years-didnt discuss it and he had numerous affairs that made him feel worse and worse.I was in denial but was a good wife to him and he was a decent if distant husband.I have issues with childhood abandonment and so does he.Cant talk to my family anymore they have had enough of my pain and cant see why I hang on-cant afford any more counselling but this site is better!-talking to others in same boat.I have the strangest feeling that as soon as I find myself and truly let go we may have a chance.But this is so hard-sadly, I built my world round him.Glad to say I am still teaching and will continue 2 days a week after summer break.Also,going to Turkey soon with daughter and grandchildren-really looking foreward to that.Like you say one day at a time .God bless.
