Well, I see your thread has devolved quickly - maybe you should join us in the Sex-Starved and Separated Forum!
WHERE is that one?? How have I missed it all these months? The forum I mean...
Originally Posted By: lodo
I just got back from class and was hoping you would've posted on how things went today. Let us know, okay?
It was emotional, there were mitigating factors with 'old friends' yesterday that made both he & I in a bad emotional place. Probably the impetus for me hi-jacking your thread about friends & consequences of WAS leaving. But we were, ironically leaning on each other for support because of their actions towards the both of us.
There really is not much to process from yesterday C session, just the emotional floodgate of going through the history of 'us' to someone who has never heard it before.
He wanted to know about how our dating went (we were 15 & 17 when we started), family history about conflict resolution (had an inward laugh at H's intepreation of that- but hey it's his POV) and how it was handled now in the relationship, the verbal abuse was never addressed.
I left it to H to bring up, he did not. When I asked him why not on the car ride, back he said "I don't do that anymore, he (the C) asked about how we handle conflict NOW."
It was interesting that the counselor never asked about why we were separated or how long we had been separated.
We got a book to read about couples communication and homework to do. We set up 6 weekly appointments.
I have grading to do today before D & I head off the golf course. She wants to drive the cart& scope out the guys, how do I tell her 'the guys' will all be 40+! I'll guess she'll find out the hard way!
S, D, H & I are headed to a lake town about an hour away as they have one of the largest fireworks displays in the area. Sitting on the dock watching the explosions over the water is so cool.
Later
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Ahhhh, thank goodness for google & urban dictionary. Otherwise, I'd be so out of the loop. LOL
*google; PIB*
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks SC taking some DBtime today to reflect after the emotional outpouring on Thursday after counseling.
it is nice to see some others lightbulb moments.. just posted overon Gypsy's asking about hers.
Sometimes counselors are so 'scripted' I want to look at them & calmly say. "Yes, I know I read the same book. I'm paying you to tell me something I read in a book 18 months ago??" The book was cheaper & had more insights.
ugg...
The love bucket thing was one of H & mine first discussion in Jan 07 when i told him how his anger & control issues were affecting me. I was so scared it took me 3 hours to get probably 5 sentances out and I think I had to write down 2, as I didn't want to verbalize them. Sort of silly thinking that if the paper told him, then he couldn't be mad at me for it. Not so much.
I had read about the love bucket years ago and tried to discuss it with him then. The analogy we use today with it (as it did seem to resonate with him after all, just not at the time)
1- Did I just kick your bucket and knock a bit of stuff out? 2- Did I knock your bucket over and is it all gone now? 3- Did I shoot holes in your bucket & not only is it drained, now you have away for repair? 3- Did I totally demolish your bucket so now you are hiding & rebuilding it?
Sometimes, now that I let myself 'feel', I have to stop and think is this a 1 or a 3? Because things seems to hurt so much again, I try and make myself think is this action he did or words he used really a bucket destroyer or am I just not used to the feelings?
I know that it is my 'choice' to feel that level of hurt, but as I said in a post earlier.. if my bucket is out there for him to fill up (the positives), it's also going to get knocked around as well (the negatives)
That bucket is new and it is tender and it is not very deep right now. I'm very, very protective of it as it has taken a lot of work to get it here and out in the open for him to 'see'.
silly analogies.. they seem to make so much more sense in my head than in type.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Can I borrow it? I love analogies...I think h hates them. While I'd love to send it to him (cos I don't want to talk with him at the moment - even though I did ring him earlier cos I was lonely but he didn't answer) I think he'd just read it and go hmmph.
Perhaps your bucket is papier mache and it's not quite dry yet?
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
I love analogies...I think h hates them. While I'd love to send it to him (cos I don't want to talk with him at the moment - even though I did ring him earlier cos I was lonely but he didn't answer) I think he'd just read it and go hmmph.
Purple i'm going to give you a quote from R. Bach "illusions"
'Argue for your limitations & sure enough, they're yours'
quit making his excuses for him
I think that's gypsy's lightbulb moment quote
Originally Posted By: whitneypinch
Perhaps your bucket is papier mache and it's not quite dry yet?
Given the way H still fights, it's not even back to being a bucket somedays, let alone to the point of drying!
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Hi Bridge, the emotional outpouring is tiring isn't it.
I think I've had 6 counselors/therapists/doctors over the years. Some had no clue & I moved on quickly. Others, like the one I'm seeing now, seems to have a crystal ball & I wonder how the heck is he so smart about me specifically. Just boggles my mind, how planned out his approach is, how he meets me where I'm at. How he changes as I grow. It's really fascinating. (oops, this isn't supposed to be about my psychologist, sorry)
I love your analogies. I don't think they're silly at all. I think you may want to wrap your bucket in those air bubble plastic wrap protective stuff for a while.
Here's what I realized (or I always knew it, I just didn't "know" it, ya know ?) just within the last few weeks or so. If I fill up my own bucket, & don't "need" anybody else to, I'm better off. Also, if I protect my own bucket, & don't let anybody else's negative crap knock mine over, or shoot holes in it...I'm better off.
Here's a short story to show an example; not long ago we were in a car accident. This other guy hit us. I morphed into a mother bear for a few moments, & wanted to rip the guy to shreds for endangering my 4 cubs who were all in the car. A while later, one of my kids says "mom, that guy called you a witch". I laughed, & said "I could care less what he calls me, he can call me an alien from another planet, I don't depend on my truth to come from that jerk (feel free to insert the name husband, neighbor, co-worker, lol)"
So......why do we push our own truth aside ( & let our bucket take on damage) just because we married the person ?
Do you feel like all the nerves are on the outside of your body ? Like you have 3rd degree burns already, & somebody comes up & slaps you on the back to say hi ?
I know that feeling. I hate that feeling. I feel for you. I care about you.
gentle warm safe hugs, & a nice cup of soothing herbal tea (if you like them)
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
we are both so stubborn. He wants to hear me, yet interrupts, cuts me off, tells me what I am or what I'm doing, yet denys that is what he said, he was just sharing his feelings..
I jump back into it, defending, reexplaining..
i keep forgetting all the explaining in the world doesn't change his 'reality'
i just keep forgetting how to do what I know I need to do... drop the rope, hand up tell him "stop, get out of my head" etc.
then he walks out the door & I'm alone
reading purples post about as seeing yourself doing the same as you accuse him of.....uggg.. he kept telling me that over & over today... am I? Then I doubt and feel so chitty all over again.
reading Gypsy's about being the victim and running scared when another man says 'hi', how can I be worth getting to know? So I hang on to the one man who ever said he loved me.
feeling bedraggled, raked over the coals, shattered, hollow, discombobulated, regretful, sad, dismal, I feel grey.
A friend sent me this song a year ago when I moved out It fits me today.
I'll guess she'll find out the hard way!
