Had a coaching session today...tired of being stuck in the rut. She said/feels he and I feed off of each other's negativity, I am not consistent with my actions. One time I wave when he drives by, next time I don't....she states he needs to see me being consistent. So this is new goal...consistency!! She agrees I have been at this long enough, it is ok to shake the boat a little. We re-visited the apology to the parents, then she asked if I had ever apologized to him. I said i've apologized to him numerous times. She asked me to tell her how I said it, "H, I'm sorry for what I did, and for being a mean angry monster, I can apologize and apologize but nothing will take back what I have done, I can not change the past, all I can say is I'm sorry." She said that wasn't much of an apology...so next goal...working on an apology letter to him. Which I have just about completed. she said be brief to the point, make specific references, etc....and to have no expectations. Do it, knowing it is the right thing to do.
we shall see! christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
You are next on my list... I was just reading when you posted.. give me 30mins/1 hour.. My D is dog siting and I am waiting on them to show up. Soon as that is done..
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"Started dating I was 19 he was 21. My mom died he was there, but only after me begging him to come be there...when the aftermath blew threw he picked me up when I fell. time passes. I go thru school to become an RN, he is my cheerleader and my rock. then my dad gets sick. had rocky points through out relationship; went on a canoe trip found him in a tent with my friend."
Now it seems silly.. but this just points out.. when things get tuff.. you both retreat. It makes more sense now.
"Eventually worked thru that down fall. my dad diagnosed terminal, i decided i needed a break from him, my cousin and one of my closest friends dies in auto accident, he comes and picks up the pieces, i told him i needed space...time to be with my dad and not think about he and i. a good friend who is male comes into the picture. nothing happened between me and OM, just somebody to talk to during a hard period in my life...during MC, this incident was repeatedly brought up. "
Honestly.. with what you wrote before all this.. I knew there was something more. I see you retreating.. then OM pops up. To a DAM that = cheater. He even thought enough about it to bring it up in C. I can see some "I caught you in the tent" in this too. So what we learn from this.. is both of you retreat. Remember that. I think it factors in alot.
"just somebody to talk to during a hard period in my life...during MC, this incident was repeatedly brought up. I realize H looking from outside in was hurt....but this OM, no more than a friend....H on the other hand dated a chick(from here on we will refer to her as PIA...pain in the as#!!...which she has been to me since then!!) PIA is H's SIL best friend...oh joy!"
1st big point. Neither of you really understand the hurt you have inflicted on each other. If you really want to get technical.. you guys were stuck along time ago.
"Moving forward...my dad passes, H comes to services...i released all of my tears on his shoulders....held up the line for over 15 minutes crying, couldn't handle it...again he picked me up when I fell."
I am hearing a lot of.. someone falls.. someone picks up the pieces.
"A few days later, I stopped at his house, we talked agreed to start seeing each other again. He moved in with me at my dads house. a month or so later he purchased our house...sold dad's house...we moved into our farm...PIA thinks it's funny to call at all hours of the night, and play games for the first few months...she finally GAL...christmas we get engaged...life is good."
Now.. I had a shotgun wedding. Life was good.. but far from perfect. Look me and you both started our R on the wrong foot. The problem that is keeping you apart.. is the same one that has always been there. Now.. I said you were next on my list.. I had not read anything.. I am giving you a blow by blow right here.
"OCT 23 04...finally happiness in my life...i am in a church for the first time for something great...my wedding, not a funeral...like so many times before. the first year of our M, had it's moments...but it was goooood for the most part...we were happy little campers. We had our little farmstead, we were building on...i used some of my inheritance to add a pool and deck, then our next addition was a huge pole barn....H built everything."
You say alot with this. The high points are.. you had a bit of a release. He was working for what he was told he should do.
"Then 06 came, the year of hell. I started back to school full time, worked full time. H was laid off from his union job, but worked for his parents company. He was on the road constantly. He would leave on sunday or monday and would come home friday."
Ok.. Distance=Drama. You have to look at where you came from in order to see it. R have a starting point. Typically we push them into the form of a circle. Round and round. The good stuff.. is where the circle starts.. the bad stuff points us right back at that point. If you laid it out on a chart.. there would be high points.. followed by low points.. then a high point.. on and on. DB'ing is about lining up the points to something flat. Flat.. is good. Hence be consistent. Now.. be consistent.. with what works.
"Then 06 came, the year of hell. I started back to school full time, worked full time. H was laid off from his union job, but worked for his parents company. He was on the road constantly. He would leave on sunday or monday and would come home friday. my sis's b-day was in feb, i threw her a huge party and it was the beginning of the end so to say. H kept running off to "smoke" with other party goers...which I knew he did, he's had the habit since we first started dating....but we had friends at this party who were state troopers, and i just thought/felt every half hour...running to do that was slightly excessive...so i called him out on it...and we had a huge blow up...he walked from the party hall where the party was..to the nearest main road...at least 2 miles, where one of my cousins picked him up. It was crazy, to say the least. During this same time H's sister and BIL were going thru D, his family thought I was having A with BIL....don't think so. H's sis just emotionally cut off the whole family...BIL just needed somebody to talk to...at the time I thought I was being a friend...retrospect...shouldn't have been answering his texts or been so chatty catty with him...if it made the H uncomfortable, it probably wasn't such a good idea. Next upsetting moment is when H and our best friends were going on guy snowmobile trip...H's brother wanted smoke...knowing our friend is a trooper, he knowingly hid smoke on one of the sleds....our friend could have lost his job...it just didn't set right with me. Like I said before, I'm good with smoking a j, but time and place...it makes all the difference."
I could spin this.. till next week. You did not want him to do it.. he wanted to. Neither of you were right. You got it right in that this is where everything changed.
"On with the story....so i told you about the big pole barn, well our friend who's a trooper also paints cars for fun...spring of 06, he needed to paint a dump truck and needed somewhere big to paint it. so he used our barn. his wife and I our super close, went to school together, work together, love her like she's my sister...so she came over while he was painting, and we were drinking some beers in the shed...and some of his friends show up...well, then H calls, here's all the commotion, and I'm like yeah we're having the first party in the pole barn. Next thing I know, he hangs up on me....I'm like wtf?? So whatever, everyone goes home, 4am...here vehicle pull in the driveway and come squealing down the lane....it's H....he comes in the house...turns on every light, checks every room...wants to know who i'm screwing and where they are hiding...then he gets a hold of my cell phone...and hides it. He sees some of the texts between me and his BIL...and like i said in retrospect...wrong, wrong, wrong. There was one where I said "little dick(h's nickname...no joke) home from work gotta go" H saw that and went off the deep end....and i didn't mean anything by it. BIL sent some that yes were inappropriate...and I think I responded because I was not getting any type of attention from H...he was gone all of the time...and when he was home, I was either at work or school."
This is just the "crap" that gets out of control.
"So summer came and went, with many more fights, about stupid stuff. He wanted to buy a boiler, and I didn't. He ended up using all of our savings to buy it...we fought about vacations, I wanted to go to nashville to see some friends...he didn't. So I went without him, he wanted to go up north...so he did. It just became so tiring and old. I finally finished my BSN in sept of 06, and to celebrate I went and spent a week with my aunt in TX just to think and clear my head. I knew then I needed some space from H, but wasn't set on D. I got home after driving 22 hours, at 6am on a saturday, that night, SIL was having cookout and of course PIA was going to be there....well go figure H and I get in a fight, because he was ready to go...and I was working from home, and needed to finish up some stuff, so he left without me. Needless to say, he didn't get home until 4am, I was waiting on the couch, he came in whistling and in a good mood....i just knew something was up. Sure enough, being the super snooper that I am, checked his cell phone, and PIA and him had been calling and texting each-other all night. Come to find out, she even drove him to another party. From then on, I knew we needed some time apart."
Distance=Drama
"that brings me to when I left. I packed and left...done deal. He called, begged, borrowed, pleaded...the typical stuff...and it annoyed me more than anything. We went to MC, it was a jab fest...let's so who can get in the lowest blow against the other one...he still blames me for "leaving him" for OM when my dad was sick....that was huge to him. I kind of get it...but also feel that, we got married and when we decided to walk down the aisle, things from our past shouldn't haunt us anymore. So we set up another MC session...phone bill came...he had been texting/calling PIA...I went to atty...and you know where that lead."
People can let go of the past. They will bring it up when they feel attacked. DAM.. will focus on the high points. See what you did.. I saw you doing X. Cheater.
"I wanted him to spoil me, and give me all the things I wanted...and I didn't want to give back in return."
I was going to ask.. what did you give? What did you do to bring that out?
"I'm just not sure where H is, in his journey."
Simple answer.. right were you left him. You have come to see.. it was about you. He likely.. has not. He still thinks it is all about what you did. From a DAM.. he may be right. From me.. you both are still wrong.
"I know/feel if he really wanted D...he still has atty on retainer...why not move forward? He said in one of our talks last year multiple things...a) i've left him before i will do it again b) he's never been good enough for me c) i've changed and think i'm better than everyone else d) his family thinks/encourages him to not work on M e) brother fell off roof in the fall(07) H wished it would have been him...he had nothing to really live for.."no wife, no kids...it should have been me"
Come on.. you can't see the thought process here?
"I'm ready to "do work" FG...just need to figure out what H needs/wants/is looking for???"
Its time to push. I gotta think about how to.
This is gonna be hard.. I am trying to think of a way to get his interest up.
Gimme some time. ---------------------------------- Small town. Waving in the Truck. Texting works sometimes. Distance=Drama.
That was just notes to me.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
where you asked can you see his thought processes here? Are you thinking wounded ego, self esteem?? or because we keep going thru this vicious cycle?? And he's waiting for me to pick the pieces up, he picks me when i fall, i pick him up when he falls...it's my turn to pick him up??
thanks happy 4th christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
There is nothing you could say to make this better. Actions are going to be more effective.
"where you asked can you see his thought processes here? Are you thinking wounded ego, self esteem?? or because we keep going thru this vicious cycle?? And he's waiting for me to pick the pieces up, he picks me when i fall, i pick him up when he falls...it's my turn to pick him up??"
For him yes.. you are picking up the pieces. For you.. we are starting over. That is what makes this hard.
Lets do this.. when you wake up tomorrow.. text him.. Good morning. Don't respond.
What time zone are you..
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
