And so it begins....

[fb2]

A divorce is only a piece of paper.

Really? If there are kids its more like a wreaking ball!

[faithisbelieving]

Bottom line...we don't control them. We only control OUR actions and attitudes. Therefore, when this is thrust upon us, we work on those. FIB

[BethM]

WL,

I think a lot of us know the confusing behavior of a formerly distant spouse now trying to make nice. Yes, it would be a weight off of her shoulders if you just let her off of the hook. Besides, she's got what she wanted. This behavior was so confusing to me because I wanted to believe that it meant way more than it did.

What I now know is that if she wanted the sitch to change she would do it. Anyone can be nice and cordial. The only you could ever really be sure of her intentions was for her to tell you. When it comes to reconciliation there are no grey areas. Everything has to be layed out on the table and she would take the initiative to do just that.

Bethie

[Kimmie Lee]

A divorce is certainly much more that "just a piece of paper".

I don't know why anyone would make such a statement, but I see it a lot around this board.

A divorce most certainly is more that a piece of paper. It strips a spouse of so many things, not the least of which are the legal benefits, survivorship, medical, military, etc.

I don't believe a divorce is "just a piece of paper".

[No_More_Dodo]

A divorce is certainly much more that "just a piece of paper".

I don't know why anyone would make such a statement, but I see it a lot around this board.

A divorce most certainly is more that a piece of paper. It strips a spouse of so many things, not the least of which are the legal benefits, survivorship, medical, military, etc.

I don't believe a divorce is "just a piece of paper".

Kimmie,

I think the big point here is the M is NOT defined by a piece of paper... If that were true, these spouses would not cheat and/or leave. A marriage is just what the two spouses make it....

The M essentially ends when there is an EA/PA or one emotionally "leaves" the M..... The D is just the legal affirmation of the end of the M....

As for the financial realm, I believe we should always plan to stand on our own two feet.... Not relying on anyone..... One needs to get an education, job or whatever.... God only knows what the future holds...

BTW, one of the better "examples" of an R I have seen is a couple who have been together 25+ years... They never were legally married.. Yet, they are very committed....

NMD

[one_light]

All good points. I suppose the M is defined by the mutual R between H and W. D is the end of that R and the subsequent legalities of the D. I think, perhaps, what people are referring to when they say D is “just a piece of paper” is that the legal process is simply a matter of paperwork. The true D is the death of the R and M.

Beth makes a very astute observation about the stbx making nice. You are right, if she actually wanted reconciliation she would spell it out for me in no uncertain terms. As it is, she is just easing guilt and, I guess, trying to develop a new “friend” R. While it is true I am happy things are civil and not turning nasty, I have no interest in being her “friend.” It is far too painful.

[fb2]

Just a piece of paper? People say this as if its no big deal, does not change anything and can always be reversed. Nothing can be further from the truth!

The legal process is hell - not just a matter of paperwork - huge legal fees, attack and counterattack , emotional turmoil. Then there's the division(loss) of children and property. Not having your kids in your custody all the time is a huge price to pay as is half the equity in your house, half your retirement savings, alimony, etc. And the family (where there are kids) is broken forever. Everyone loses including society at large. Its legally sponsored disaster!

My apologies to the owner of this thread but I'm fed up of hearing trite remarks like "divorce is just a piece of paper". And true, M is not a piece of paper either - its much, much more - that's why we came here to fight for it.

[one_light]

fb2,

The "owner" of this thread, if that's what you want to call it, is simply happy that it is at best promoting discourse or at least being kept alive.

Divorce is hell. The various reasons for it being hell are as different as the individuals who are experiencing it. We all have our own demons. Our pain is our own. We all come here for advice and companionship. To learn something or find whatever comfort mutual suffering brings. The optimism I had as a newbie has dropped into the sad cynicism in the knowledge that I could not salvage my marriage.

So here I am at the surviving board trying desperately to cope. I see others here who have turned the corner into happy single lives and even happy new relationships. As of today, I cannot fathom such a state. What can not be changed, however, must be endured and I am committed to letting this experience make me better rather than bitter.

For those of you who have taken an interest in my plight, I am eternally grateful.

[KarenMarieS]

I see others here who have turned the corner into happy single lives and even happy new relationships. As of today, I cannot fathom such a state.

OL
I am sorry and I understand, its way too early for you to feel that way, it wouldnt be natrual actually I think if you did right now, but you will, We all felt this way and it took me longer then most I think. Just take one day at a time like they tell us.

Good Luck to you

[faithisbelieving]

The optimism I had as a newbie has dropped into the sad cynicism in the knowledge that I could not salvage my marriage.

Huh?

I say this with support and friendship: I think you need to reread your thread, DB, DR, etc.

You came here to change yourself. It takes TWO to salvage a marriage. This was not a failure..it was a lesson in life.

Lift yourself up and change the cynicism into pride....that you honored your vows and did everything you could to be a better person and better understand what happened and why.

Find your invincible summer.
FIB