I'm glad you had an okay time with H. What didn't he do?
Quote:
Could he feel that he's done everything you've asked and yet nothing has changed?
Quote:
I'd guess you're letting yourself feel insufficient because you feel guilty. You're now in his position prior to the bomb, where you're caught up in work and you don't want the relationship to intrude. Could there be a little of that? If you were him and he were you right now and you heard your words and were saying the things he's been saying, would you be comfortable with the sitch? Would you feel there was progress?
I'm not sure what you mean by 'why are you here if you are so unsure'. That is probably why I am here.
I haven't answered because I am still very angry about this sitch with him, especially the job & career. So be warned that will come out in the posting.
He has made changes, I have made changes, I have told him I noticed his changes, things between us have changed from where they were in January. We 'talk' now, not just kid, finance, divorce stuff. I share now, he listens (sometimes). There is some physical interactions (not sex) but hugs, touches, hand-holding.
He has not done everything I have asked, there is not consistancy & regularity in his anger management & outbursts. He has not gotten a hobby to have interests outside of work, to have ideas, conversation starters & points to add, he has not returned to seeing an IC to continue work on his intimacy, control, work-aholic, and anger issues.
He wants the marriage to work but I'm the one bringing things to the table from this website, from relationship books, from my IC session. Sure he'll read them, listen, go 'uh-huh', try a few techniques, but the effort he's putting in, IMO right now .. could fit into a thimble.
As far as the job thing... yep i know it's hypocritical. Can't help that.. it's what I need for me right now. This is taking care of me. I need to realize my dream, that means the degree comes first. R is give & take.. I gave & gave & gave. He got & got & got. He'll readily admit his dreams of his business growth have been realized, actually years before he thought they would.
When I asked him to step up so I could 'go' he agreed.. sure, no problem.... 7 years later I still am not done with my dream, is some of that due to a PIA major prof, yes.. but that is not any different in my eyes than the 2 tornadoes that affected our business for 4 years post-tornado & he had to work through all those rebuilding & I stood beside him while he did it (IMO).
7 years later, when I reiterate this to him he still thinks he supported me in that he took care of the kids (which really means, he made lists of chores for the them to do while he was working & waited for me to come home the week-ends to do the rest) for one month 3 summers ago while I stayed oncampus 5 days & 4 nights a week to have daily access to my major prof. Still coming home on week-ends to play 'catch-up' as mom/wife/maid.
He FINALLY after 7 years, told me, 2 months ago, he believed in me getting this done. Now he says it? 7 years into this? I'm 6 months away from finishing one of the most difficult accomplishments academically.. now he says I believe in you?? Great.. fantastic...whoppee...
Would I be comfortable with the sitch if things were reversed? No, I'd be so damn ashamed of myself that I couldn't help (hadn't helped) my life-partner of 22 years realize one of his dreams I would probably be apologizing up one side & down the other, trying to find ways to 'make it better'. But that's me.. I'm a care-taker.
OK.. vent over. thanks for listening.
And yes, ... I have told him all this.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Sorry, by asking why you were here if you were unsure is my own sitch bleeding in. Posted when I was a bit tired and frustrated. My W sees being unsure as a reason NOT to work on anything.
So I think the way H is acting IS quite frustrating. He's kinda doing it, but not to any great extent. Many of us would LOVE to have the chance to show our WAWs the changes we can make, the support we can offer, the attention we can give.
So it seems like you're in a bit of limbo. Being patient and trying is kinda working. But you still don't have what you need. What is your gut feeling about what will happen by the time you finish your diss?
I need some direction, but heading off in one direction seems to close off paths that I'm not sure I want closed off.
The summer is 1/2 way done & I will return to my 'job' in 8 weeks, for one last year before needing to find another. That is scary.
In this next year I need to finish my degree or finding a job will be very very hard.
My son heads off for college in 8 weeks as well.
I'm just feeling discombobulated today. I usually clean or organize a drawer when I'm feeling like this, something to just have some order in my life, when if feels as if the rest is spinning out of control.
I want to talk to my H, but he can be so DAM and it just frustrates me even more when I try, hoping he won't be, needing him not to be and then he is.
But when he listens, really listens, looks into my eyes, not at the ground or closing his eyes, nods his head, goes uh-huh, keeps his body relaxed and not tense, puts his hand on mine and 'says,
"Just a minute I want to make sure I'm really getting you here, can I try to give it back to you?"
then taking his time & care, with putting what I said into his own words, with examples and then affirms with something like
"wow, that must really make you hurt/frustrated/angry/anxious, etc. I can really see how abc..def..hij.. could make you feel that way" Can you tell me more?"
.. oh my... so good.
But when we're done and I've been heard. I look at him and think.. now what? What do we have in common?
What we had in common & liked to do together when we were 17 & 19, is so very different now.
I'm tired of putting ideas out there for him to find reasons not to participate in them. We watch moives together. I have watched the same movie with him as I have another guy friend (at another time). H & I had about a 10 minute discussion about what we each liked/thought about the plot, characters, etc.
The friend & I were still talking about it days later. Laughing at the absurdities we had discussed in it prior to that.
Do people really just 'grow apart'?
and if one still loves the other but is acting as if they are not interested in doing the things it takes to grow with them, by paying lipservice to it and patronizingly going along, because "it's what you wanted to do"
then what?
So I'm left with the 'now what'? attitude today.
I am calling a few counselors I found that specialize in conflict resolution & communication. I'll see who can get us in and is wiling to work with us given the situation.
I asked H to think about what activities (besides sex) he would like to do together to build some companionship & new good memories. He said he'd think about it.
Off to make phone calls.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
hi double checked with H on dates that wouldn't work for meeting with counselors before I started calling.
Called two,
one may not even agree to see us, needs to have clinical evaluation first to see if we are in need of his services or if there are others in the community that would serve us better... Um ok...
So over the phone, when this person calls back in 2-4 days, I'm suppose to highlight the issues we're having and what got us to this point all in 5 minutes or so. uh-huh
Then if they agree that this Dr. is able to meet our needs as a counselor then the SOONEST They could get us in would be the end of August. uggg...
The 2nd guy I called (does the same Couples Communication course that H & I agreed to do, as the first guy) can get us in Thursday at 4pm. Sold.. took it. Got directions.
Called H. and said
"how does Thursday, day after tomorrow, at 4pm strike you for an appointment.. I couldn't believe he could work us in that quick!"
He replied in his raised voice that indicates irritation, "What??" I told you I have to do xyz that day at work"
I replied calmly, with my heart in my throat and trying not to hang up and run away from his intensity...
"It is in the late afternoon we don't need to leave until 2pm. Your xyz will be done by 12noon at the latest and you know it. When has it ever gone past lunch? Give me one time in 30 years."
I waited patiently.. it was quiet. For those that don't remember, he backed out of MC 2x during a 3 week period, over a year ago to do 'his job' instead of go to counseling.
He then replied, in a much quieter & calm voice. "what day did you say it was?"
I said, 'day after tomorrow, thursday".
"Oh, I thought you said the 10th and you know I have to do xyz that morning"
I thought about defending .. how did you get 'the tenth' from 'Thursday, day after tomorrow'?? but I didn't.
I replied with.. "so Thursday, the 3rd, day after tomorrow at 4pm works for you?"
"yes, that should be fine".
"ok then...thanks.. see you at D's ballgame at 7pm, please bring the lawn chairs."
"See ya"
I want a beer, maybe 2. I'm going to hang jeans on the line instead.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I had a friend who called a psychiatrist for a new appointment. They asked what the appointment was for, my friend replied, "chronic severe depression", they receptionist said "the soonest we can see you is October". WTF ? What is wrong with people. that's my 1st rant & it's not a joke.
2nd rant;
Do you feel sometimes like just plain communicating is so exhausting that it's hardly worth the effort ? I know I did for a long long long long time.
It's better now though. Hang in there.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hope this appointment goes well for you, Bridgestone. Have you looked into the Retrouvaille programs, http://www.helpourmarriage.org? The way that you described him listening to you on occasion is exactly how we are taught to communicate at Retrouvaille. Talking about your feelings, asking questions, showing understanding, eye contact. It is great. The weekend is two days of soul searching to uncover your own feelings about the good times and the bad times and discussing them in depth through the dialogue method. And then you get homework. Which is great, because the homework is to keep doing dialogues at home, choosing your questions together. It really does work.
Maybe this counselor will do it for you. I hope he will. But if he doesn't, keep Retrouvaille in mind.
