Guilty as charged.. I am a WAW.

[Bridgestone]

More late night phone calls.. however, this time my phone was on silent! The kids were here so I was not worried about missing a call if something was up with them. Why he didn't call the house phone I don't know, but he did not!

I returned his call this morning and we talked for a bit. He is working again this week-end and next, even though he is suppose to take every other week-end off to have the kids (& show himself & me that he is NOT a work-aholic) this will make 5 week-ends in a row, next will be 6. So it will be almost 2 months since he has had the kids for a full week-end and not worked. sigh..

So when he tells me he has changed, that he does not work as much or as long and I see this pattern, seemingly headed back to where he was, it is discouraging. I can not live with someone that works 7 days a week for 2 months and then takes a day off reluctantly. It is lonely, I need quality time as my love language and I feel unloved.

He said he would like to take me on a bike ride, pack a picniclunch and find a scenic spot to eat it. I said great. Why don't you plan it and let me know a few days ahead when that is going to work for you & the weather. He was really quiet and then made a comment about the floods & mosquitos along the trail, etc. and the kids schedules, and.. and ... and..

I said, well your choice. It sounds like fun to me, we could even go geocaching (something I really like to do & he has told me that he wants to go along now) if you let me know where you want to biking to . I'll wait for you to plan it and give me few days notice. Again, silence from him.

So I said, "well, I need to run and get my day started, I'll see you later when you pick up D". He told me he loved me and some more things that were our 'code words' for wanting sex.

I was neutral with my response, something about thanks for thinking of me that way. and rang off.

Putting the ball in his court to do the planning is definately a 180 for me. I am the planner, the organizer, the to-do lister, the calander updater, person. so for me to agree to go do something with him, but tell him to take care of the detailes is definately out of character for me, but you know what?

I liked it. I will not fret about it getting done. If he does it he does it. If not, then his loss and I may just plan a bike outing with D for this week-end or next anyway.

[lodo]

Wow -

Sorry but your H sounds a little clueless. I mean, most of us on here would be jumping up and down for a chance like you describe.

You shouldn't plan everything, especially if it's his suggestion. If you're picky about how things get handled, you should let go of some of that so he can plan in his own way. But he needs to step up a LITTLE!

Good for you! I think you're being more than fair. Go on the bike ride anyway with D if he falls through, even if it's hot and muggy and mosquitoey.

lodo

[MaxP]

I must admit, the pattern you describe about his work is discouraging. I'm suprised he can't see it himself. He appears quite adept at missing opportunities to change and demonstrate it and then he goes for the code word option. Wow.

[Bridgestone]

The typical pattern continues.

H's work plans are messed up today because of the weather. But so would the biking plans he proposed, but never finalized with me, in terms of a day/time, etc. So he calls as 8am and asks what else would work for me today?

Umm.. excuse me, I didn't realize I agreed to do anything 'today'?

I have made plans for today (based on the weather forecast for rain) that I would do things for my job (which has some flexibilty, but needs to be done by Sunday night).

I am conflicted,

I think that if I agree to go with H for what he has planned (he did not say, nor did he ask if today would work for me before 8am this morning), that I am perpetuating the very pattern I want to dissuade. His job gets to dictate our time together, planned or unplanned and everyone elses plans have to flex around those. If I make & stick to plans regardless of changes to his job, then I am mean and bi#^hy.

If I stick by my original plans of working on things for my job today, & telling him that today does not work, then I don't feel I am reinforcing the effort he did do to initiate an outing with me and try to plan something.

Do I go with him and tell him of my concerns I outlined in the first one?
Or not go with him and tell him my gratitude for his trying that I outlined on the 2nd one?

So any advice??

[AnonymousJane73]

I would personally stick to your own plans, but take a rain check... make sure you emphasize that you absolutely appreciate his offer, but unfortunately, you were not aware that there were plans confirmed with him today. Be sure to stress when and time you ARE available and ask him if he would like to reschedule... if he doesn't, it's his loss.

That's me personally...

[Bridgestone]

Hi,
After calling my C and talking this through with her. She agreed that I should call my H. on his behaviour, but be positive about the changes he has made .

I just got off the phone with him.

I started off asking if he was some place to talk for a few minutes as I some things I wanted to talk through. He said was in a good mentally, but not physically ( he was in his mom's kitchen). I asked him to please call me back when he could be in a good place for both.

He called me back about 5 minutes later.

I told him I was happy that he was trying to find time to go on outings with me, doing things we both liked to do (biking, drinking wine, etc) but expecting me to drop my plans for the day, just because his have changed, especially since nothing ad been agreed upon in advanced, was inconsiderate.

I told him I had no expectations of doing anything today with him as nothing had been confirmed and I had left it with him that he was to give me a few days notice.

He agreed that was his understanding too, but thought he would check and see if I was busy, as his plans had changed (although ironically, b/c the weather forecasted early this morning, for this afternoon, never happened, he ended up doing what he had originally planned anyway- so if I would have agreed he would have probably cancelled anyway!!)

I told him I would like him to consider that others live by schedules,not just the weather and that most people (not just me) plan things a few days ahead. That is not an unrealistic or 'weird' behavior. I am all for spontaneity, but what he has and asked me to exhibit the past 48 hours was not that.

he listened and parroted back what I said. He agreed that he can understand why I would be frustrated with his actions and apologized that it came across that way.

I told him I had time tonight, tomorrow night, & Sunday afternoon, to do something together. But that I was planning a bike outing with the D. for Sunday morning after church, a BBQ with friends on Sunday evening, and I needed time sometime saturday morning/afternoon to finish my work.

I heard him pause, and then I could literally hear him through the phone straighten himself up and ask if I would go with him to a wine tasting event tonight (wow.. how did he know about that?) and a bike outing tomorrow afternoon.

I enthusiastically said, they both sound like a lot of fun! What time?

We worked out the details of each and now I need to go get ready for the first one.

Baby steps
and
confidence in asking for what one wants

mmmm... maybe DB'ing works for both the WAS & the LBS

or maybe it's just good communication & willingness to accept what the other person is in the moment, not your assumptions & pre-conceived ideas of what they should be or have been to you.

toodles!

[Sara]

or maybe it's just good communication & willingness to accept what the other person is in the moment, not your assumptions & pre-conceived ideas of what they should be or have been to you.

I vote for number 2. Good communciation and willingness to accept the other person will get you where you want to go if you are consistent with it.

[Purple]

Oh wow B....that sounds so great! Wish my h could listen and respond like that....instead he gets all bent out of shape that his 'bending' doesn't have the outcome he was expecting eg me changing my plans to suit him.

[AnonymousJane73]

I think that was excellent... showed maturity on BOTH of you. Hope you had fun.

[Bridgestone]

thanks for the support ladies.. it went well. Pleasant time was had. No push by H for more intimacies than was offered, (a friendly hug I initiated), smiles & relaxing in the moment. Nice to stop beating ones head against the wall for a change

I moved the work until today & did the outing with D yesterday after the bike ride. Now I just need to find the caffeine & ambition to do so! Have a BBQ tonight to attend so needing to be done by then will help propel me along.

Later ladies (& gentlemen)!