This wasn't on the postcard

[Phoenix_spark]

I'm hanging in there. Even though I have done as much as I can, I still feel some days that I have failed. I'm lucky to have some good friends to let me know/assure me, that her choices are exactly that. In the whole E perspective it hurts, but I know that I have done what was asked of me and that the person I married was not a bad choice. A combination of bad choices on her part has put us where we are at. We're probably down to less then the last month. However, I have decided to focus on the positive, so I can make it through this whole mess.

One thing that kind of makes me angry is that this whole thing came to a head just because I had "a spine" about something and called W on one of her bad choices. I think instead of admitting a mistake, she just decided that the R was not worth working that hard for and threw this in my lap. The society we live in these days is deflect blame and let others pay for our mistakes. I really don't see how she will be able to teach morals and accountability to our kids after this. The older kids can read this one a mile away.

Prayer and reading keep me going. Hope all are doing well. Being Me, I don't know how someone can expect to put minimal effort into a M and expect to get much out. My heart goes out to you. Aud, I'm glad your having progress. WCW, put a spur in that old horse. Hopefully you can find a usefull 2X4 floating by your ranch these days. Apply liberally!

[WCW]

Even though I have done as much as I can, I still feel some days that I have failed.

When you have tried your best and put your all into it that is not being a failure. You may not have reached your goal but that involved another person with you that you could not control. You did not fail on your part.

the person I married was not a bad choice. A combination of bad choices on her part has put us where we are at.

That is very generous of you to say that. It was an eye opener for me to read this too! So many people think they made a bad choice in their M partner, I think you're one of the first that said they didn't! I agree with your thinking and will say that my H was not a bad choice of a M partner. I was head over heels about him, and deep inside I still am but I have to keep it smothered to survive these years of strife while we struggle thru his poor choices.

However, I have decided to focus on the positive, so I can make it through this whole mess.

I love your attitude!

One thing that kind of makes me angry is that this whole thing came to a head just because I had "a spine" about something and called W on one of her bad choices.

Phoenix, you can't be a henpecked H and scared to put your head on the block. Is that how you would want to live the rest of your life? unable to be a partner and have a voice?

I think instead of admitting a mistake, she just decided that the R was not worth working that hard for and threw this in my lap. The society we live in these days is deflect blame and let others pay for our mistakes.

She is very childish for a mother and a wife. Does she pound her fists while she throws her tantrum? oh no, she just sends the paperwork and runs.

I really don't see how she will be able to teach morals and accountability to our kids after this.

You're kidding right? she doesn't know what it is.

WCW, put a spur in that old horse. Hopefully you can find a usefull 2X4 floating by your ranch these days. Apply liberally!

But with a smile!

[BeingMe]

Hi Phoenix! You are NOT a failure! Keep walking the high road, and doing stuff for you and the kids.

Take care.

[Phoenix_spark]

Yes, I have to keep reminding myself of that. In the evenings when I come home, my kids are all over me. My kids call my phone during the day, "to see how your doing". My S15 says that living with me will allow him to be more of his own person. My D17 now says, "I love you Daddy". I just can't see how I can stop this from happening to them. That's when I feel like a failure. When you do all the right things and then you end up where you were trying so hard to avoid.

This, if nothing else makes me the most mad at W. I'm kind of think skinned when it comes to me, but to my kids, that's another story. No I'm not going to live my life afraid to put my neck out there once in awhile. W always has encouraged me to be more aggressive about doing things and getting the job done. Now that I stand up to her about what I see to be wrong, here comes the papers. Take the ball and go home as the saying goes.

I don't want the D but I'm not going to live under her thumb my whole life. In my attempt to try to do so much to please W, I got too focused and didn't see that what was standing in the way of W being happy with what I did, was the fact that she had not found how to make herself happy. I think there were too many things avoided or left unfixed in her life that she could not be happy anyhow. If you do not appreciate what you do have, you will never be happy with what you gain with it.

Perhaps if I just keep working on what I do have control over, the rest will sort itself out.

[BeingMe]

Perhaps if I just keep working on what I do have control over, the rest will sort itself out.

Precisely, Phoenix! I think when we let go, things do work out for the best.

Thinking of ya!

[Aud31]

I think you're 100% right Phoenix. Everything WILL work out. Perhaps one day W will come to see her foolishness. Perhaps she won't.

Just keep setting a good example for the kids. They're already smart enough to know one when they see it.

[Phoenix_spark]

It's the in between that's "killing" me right now. Thanks for all the positive posts. Looking forward to a few days off with S15. I will be looking on here to keep up the PMA.

[Phoenix_spark]

Just a quick update. Ks are very concerned when I go out of town, very worried I won't come back. Not so when W does, she travels more than I do. Sure it tough convincing them though. It will be hard in the future explaining to them that this WAS NOT my idea. Had some good days off alone, S15 did not stay, but did a lot with a few of my friends.

Not sure how this will all play out, but I'm not ashamed of my effort either.

[BeingMe]

Oh, I doubt the kids think it was your idea ... them small people are very astute. And, you sure are right about not being ashamed of your effort in trying to restore your M. My goodness, Phoenix, you and I have been at this since 2004 (I think I'm right, 'eh?)!!! You have been the wiser DBer, and I don't know what I would've done without your good counsel, especially in the beginning when I was totally freaking out.

Once you come back a few times, your children will get the message that dad always will come back to them. It will be tough on them in the beginning, but you just have to be very consistent, and they will feel secure in your word.

I am glad you had some good day on your own, and with friends. It's good to do things for yourself. It helps to re-energize your spirit for the days ahead.

Thinking of you.

[BeingMe]

Hey, Phoenix! How was the 4th of July? Hope you had a good weekend!

Take care!