Hey cara mia ol' pal. I stumbled unto this discussion the other day. Haven't been on in awhile and just sort of randomly stopped by. I have been trying to add my 2 cents worth, but I can't keep up. Who would've thunk that would ever happen?
Anyway, here it goes. Bethie made some good points, as always. Most especially the fact that some people do not do well alone. Sounds to me like BF is one of those. Personally, I think everyone needs to take enough time alone, post D to be happy as themselves before diving into a new serious relationship, but many people are not about to do that. They see "with someone" as the natural state of affairs and when they are not, they move quickly to rectify the situation. On no evidence whatsoever, my gut tells me BF jumped into marriage number 2 by that process and it fell apart.
Also, I really do believe that as much as we like a rational explanation, sometimes we need to decide a relationship doesn't suit us and that's that. I'm speaking of before marriage of course. I can't see going to the next level with someone when I have nagging doubts. "I am not sure this right, I think I'll marry them and find out." Huh?
But, invoking Bethie again, I really do think we should prepare ourselves for stages in relationships. As she pointed out, these things come up. It may help to have some preliminary plans before hand. I intend to marry again, or not, or I don't know. I would consider living together, or not. I think I'd like to get kid X, Y or Z to point A, B or C (HS graduation, prom, college, whatever) before I decide to seriously change my lifestyle. Discalimer: I myselfy haven't considered a d@mn one of these things, but it looks good on paper.
But anyway, you have already gotten to the right place. Tell him what your position is and leave it to him to decide what he wants to do about it.
Discalimer #2: Number of dates, real or imagined, that BigAl has had post -divorce: 0
This is turning into a GREAT discussion - thanks everyone! Now since ALL is willing to share the wine, we could have a party...
Good points about the kids. I can see how some would sabotage things...and honestly, I can say that my D12 might do this, given the chance. She is most jealous of time I spend away from home because she and I have grown extremely close. She was a daddy's girl...and then daddy was gone, so she became more dependent on me. Or maybe some of that is just the difference between boys and girls - she and I are growing closer as she gets older, where with the boys it is the opposite. They need to pull away as they become men - I just wish they had an example of what a good man is/does. Both grandfather's have died, and the uncles are not close by. It makes it hard, when XH is not a constant or a great example for them.
I spent my time with BF mostly away from my kids. That was my choice. I had him over to the house a few times for dinner, and he stopped by about twice to help me with a few things I was doing outside. He definately was not there on a regular basis - I was not ready to integrate him into my family, and I made that clear. I met his boys, and ran into them sometimes, but never expected to be invited into their family time. Everyone seemed to get along fine, but it wasn't yet the time to see how the two families "mix".
I think I have made my feelings clear to BF. I hope so. I have tried not to send wrong signals, and when I was feeling stressed from too much time away from home, I let him know...it's not like I just suddenly stopped seeing him. A lot of this came about because he has felt neglected if I don't text him several times throughout the day, or find a chance to meet for coffee nearly every afternoon, or whatever. I would say I was going to work out, and he would pout because that was time I could be spending with him! When we are in public, I am very conscious about PDA - I am fine with holding hands, but much more than that and I am uncomfortable. I live in a small town, and I see students everywhere. They know I am single - I don't think they need to see their teacher wrapped around some guy! To me, its not the right thing to do. But BF doesn't understand that. We still talk every day on the phone (until recently) and had seen each other at least twice a week - but that isn't enough for him and I don't have any more to give!
Al - good to hear from you!!! Yes, BF did move very quickly into marriage #2, and it lasted only three years. He had been in a long term R after wife #1, and was engaged to wife #2 within a few months of meeting her. (I'm not sure how much time between relationships) He will say it was a huge lapse in judgement - but when I point out that we can't move too quickly and it has only been 6 months, he will say that "this feels different". That was a flag for me...I'm sure he thought XW2 felt right at the time also.
I agree that sometimes a R just isn't right...and the past few weeks have given me that feeling more than once. I just don't like the way BF is responding to this, and I'm not sure this is something I have the patience to spin my wheels on. I would be fine being alone again.
I have thought about a few of the things you mentioned, Al. I could go either way with marrying again. I wouldn't consider living with someone, especially with my kids living at home. I am beginning to see the wisdom of waiting to get kids through HS before really changing my lifestyle. Some of this, I have the advantage of watching how XH handled things and seeing how our kids responded. They lost a LOT of respect for him when he moved OW in so quickly. They don't respect their dad much when it comes to some of the poor choices he made...and I would bet that someday, he will say it wasn't worth it. So I learn from his mistakes, to an extent.
TC - I went back to college and finished my teaching degree when I got divorced. I got the degree last year (on my 40th birthday - yes my name should now read VJ41! But I just haven't changed it yet...) I spent a year working in the middle school as an AmeriCorp teacher and loved it, although it is very low paying. I enjoyed the middle school kids, and I did enjoy the older elem. grades more than the younger. I've never taught high school...but I think it would be a challenge. The kids are really becoming responsible at that age...some of them, at least. I am trying to get a teaching job, but they are hard to come by in my area, and very competitive. I have no doubts I can teach, but it's getting through the dang interview process that is challenging me! I also have a degree in business from many years ago, and I have sent a few applications out for jobs in that field. Although my heart is with teaching, I need to pay the bills and my alimony is nearly done...so we will see.
Thanks everyone...feel free to keep the conversation going!
VJ, I was cruising around and saw your name--just wanted to say hi! Congrats on your degree. I teach 5th and 6th graders--that's as high as I want to go. Glad to hear that you're doing well overall.
My sentiment exactly! ALL, I don't know about your having enough wine for all of the party animals that you would have to supply here. You had better get cracking because I'm ready for a party! Besides, we have to keep VJ and Spitty from being in a funk over this stuff.
VJ & Spitty,
I have been thinking about you both lately. You know, it's hard enough 5 years out to not have the feelings that your feeling, but it's been much less time than that for either of you. So this most likely is exactly how you're supposed to feel. Truth is I think there will always be some sort of hesitance until we make peace with what we've been through, and that's probably different in every case. Sometimes I even think we go through this and have these feelings because to a certain extent we want proof that the person we find ourselves in a new relationship with is not only on the same page, but won't cause us or our children to relive our pain. Besides that, the fear of the unknown causes us to not want to venture out of our comfort that we have now made for ourselves. It's really hard figuring out how someone is supposed to fit into our new found family dynamic. Sometimes I wonder if this is fair to anyone, and how can they live up to what we want when sometimes we don't even know what that is? The onething I do know is that we have to ask for what we want, and if we aren't comfortable doing that or if the person that we are with doesn't want to hear it, we need to think long and hard about why that is.
We'll all be ok and we'll all get through this. Heck, we've been through worse, right?
Your BF sounds VERY NEEDY. I don't think that is going to change. I couldn't handle someone "pouting" because I am working out and trying to be healthy. Does your BF have any hobbies/friends/other things he likes to do with his free time...other than to be with YOU? If not, that is a huge red flag. That means he is holding YOU responsible for his happiness, rather than realizing ( what we here have all learned through DBing) that only WE OURSELVES are responsible for OUR OWN happiness. Well, at least you are venting it all out here and hopefully working things through in your mind. You don't have to make any decisions right now, just take it a day at a time.
As for teaching, it is a wonderful job for also being a Mom! I love it! ( My kids love it, too, as all their friends have to go to camp, and they are home with me, sleeping in every day, and enjoying "camp Mom" as we do something fun together each day ). Of course, your kids are older than mine, but I still think it's so important for us to be around and cognizant of what is going on in their daily lives...esp. when they are teenagers!
I wish you luck in finding a teaching job....or, if not, any job for now!
That was a really good point. Pouting about feeling neglected doesn't seem normal especially after just 6 months into the relationship.
VJ, Originally I thought your lives were more intertwined than what you describe as far as how much time you spend together. I know that I wouldn't like someone being so all consuming after such a short time. Maybe this is a snapshot of what would be.
I have to agree with Bethie and TC on the needy assesment.
As far as kids I think it's important to keep an open line of communication with them about where a dating relatioship is at and where it might lead and how it might affect them. I think it's also important to ask how they feel about the situation and encourage them to feel comfortable with voicing their concerns. Kids are often much smarter than we give them credit for, sometimes their comments might supprise you if you give them a chance to express their feelings. Oftentimes they just need some reassurance that everything will be ok.
Ok Bethie, I will have another 35 gallons brewing by the end of this weekend. I hope that plus the 150+ bottles I already have in the rack will be enough.
ALL
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
Thanks friends...yes, BF is needy. He likes to say he isn't but yes, he is, and I don't need another person to take care of.
He has asked for time to "process" what I've been telling him for the past two weeks, so we haven't talked now in three days - unusual for us. For me, and this is telling me something, it has felt like a break.
So we'll see. I hate hurting him, but especially after the way he's handled this, I just have too many doubts.
And I got to talk to XH today about some finances. That always goes SO well. He just inherited a bunch of money from his mother's estate.
Anyhow, I asked XH if he planned to put any of that money away for S17's college for next year. I had asked him when we divorced that we both agree to use money we might inherit from either parent to put the kids through college - and I did it specifically to eliminate hard feelings that might come up. It is very hard for me to know that OW and her kids are going to benefit from my MIL's inheritance and my kids will not. XH replied that we never put that in writing and that he had a bunch of debt he had to pay off (I know...I am paying the other half of that debt!), that OW had huge debt from her divorce and the travel for her kids visitation, and that since he had to pay gas and travel expenses now every time he sees our kids he won't be able to put any away for college. (Whose choice was it to divorce and be away from your kids??? Whose choice was it to get married to OW and support her and her two kids???) Oh, and he is going to see a lawyer to find out if the divorce decree stating that he would continue to pay support to our kids while they were in college could be enforced, because he thinks it should be just what he decides to give them once they are over 18, instead of a mandatory amount.
Ugh. The man makes five times what I make. He would not agree to pay for college, but finally agreed to pay support while they were in college so the kids would have spending money, car insurance, clothing, etc. Now he is going back on that. I don't think he can, but it just means another battle to fight.
In good news, S17 got his drivers license today!!! In bad news, S17 got his driver's license today!!! No, really he is a good driver but I am a worrier when it comes to my kids...and I just got the quote for the insurance. XH, of course, declined to pay anything toward it, saying he thinks it should come from child support. S17 has been trying to get a summer job so he can pay 1/2, but so far few people are hiring teenagers. He may have to go back to lawn mowing, which he HATES!!!
Sorry to read this. It makes me so mad when I read this stuff! They make this mess and then they not only expect us to accept all of the responsibilities but do it with a smile on our face and a grateful attitude for the crumbs they give us. I see all of these Dad's who still realize that they are pretty much 2nd in line until their kids are raised and I wonder how can our ex's ever reason with themselves that it's ok to shirk their responsibilities? Monetarily I can't complain. Ex tells himself that this makes him a GREAT DAD, but that's all my kids get. Not exactly leaving them with warm fuzzy feelings.
About guy friend, I think that you have listened to your gut and your really smart for doing so. Better to cut it off now while you can still get out of it gracefully. Just remember, these issues will with the kids will probably present themselves in any relationship. We are Moms first and foremost.........
I think you're going to be just fine. You are 1 smart cookie!
He just inherited a bunch of money from his mother's estate. 
In bad news, S17 got his driver's license today!!!