hey bridgestone, in case you miss it on my thread, I'm just curious - are you doing something similar to science and public policy? I'm looking at the problems predictive sciences face in policy formation.
I want my turn instead of just giving up my place in line so someone else.. him, my parents, my in-laws, my kids can have another piece of the resources- my time, energy, or support- I have to give in any given day. I want my resources for me for a change. I know I am the only one who can choose where they go & who gets them and I am choosing me & my kids.
I completely 100% agree with you doing this. This was exactly how I "saved myself first". I felt rather guilty at first, but I was in survival mode. I also found out that when I stopped doing "everything" H started doing more. I enabled him & I didn't even realize it.
I talk about having the bone dry empty love bucket. I'm sure yours is bone dry as well. If you don't start filling it up yourself, nobody else will. Besides that, the best thing you can do for your kids, is to take really good care of their mom.
Can I hang with you guys since I'm a student now ?
Hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Can I hang with you guys since I'm a student now ?
Hugs.
Anytime! Shall we have group study sessions? That is one thing I miss from the Undergraduate days is the roundtable of everyone studying something, not necessarily the same things, just the ease of knowing that others next to you, are understanding of the effort being put into trying to reach a goal, and the struggle & rollercoaster ride that goes into that.
mmm... sounds familiar!
I'm onto organizing & updating a literature review of "Inquiry in science laboratories" tonight.
et tu?
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I'm getting ready to work on my powerpoint (although I use keynote) for my conference presentation. I'm excited because I found some really nice visuals that I had no idea existed! Now for the talk part ... Although I'm excited there as well because in a seminar today we had a really good speaker and I was able to pay attention to what she did and how she did it - clever little speaking tricks. They'll all fly out of my brain the minute I take the stage, but I can pretend I'll remember them!
I'm learning "symptoms of gastrointestinal illnesses". I need to be able to hear words like this;
esophagogastroduodenoscopy.
& then spell them correctly in a medical report.
LOL That's a good one huh.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Lodo, no joke, that a bonafide word that I'll be listening to & transcribing. (**cookie wonders who's idea it was to become a certified medical transcriber**) lol
Seriously though, it's really interesting & very challenging & I'm loving every minute of it. Although, last night I couldn't eat dinner because I had been studying gastrointestinal illnesses. Ugh ! Not good for a healthy appetite.
How's your talk going ?
I'm headed to C in a few minutes, will see you later.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I'm learning "symptoms of gastrointestinal illnesses". I need to be able to hear words like this;
esophagogastroduodenoscopy.
& then spell them correctly in a medical report.
LOL That's a good one huh.
Hi SC I was a medical transciptionist during summers when I was in college... I remember the first time I heard oophrectomy.(procedure that removes the ovaries).
I think I re-wound the tape (yes it was a cassette) and replayed that word about a hundred times before I finally went & found the patients chart & looked it up.
Not fun!
Sort of like my day today.. It started with a 5:45 am call from H. He's doing some things that work for me, (he is- empathetically listening, just letting me vent, quit fixing my problems)
he wants to know when am I going to start doing things that he needs (sex, move back home, sleep in his bed,bring his family back, etc.).. he understands that I can not do them RIGHT now. but when can he expect me to be able to??
How do I explain the allocation of resource issue to him? I have tried. What I hear back is.. I'm doing what you need, now you have to do what I need. His idea of the golden rule. give as good as you get. I heard this as part of his defense of his anger issues. Your mad at me so I get to be this mad at you.
He is giving me what I need, now I need to give him what he needs.
I suppose it's a matter of priority.
Giving him what he needs will take resources that I'm just not ready to give him yet. Without jeopardizing things for me & my kids that I'm not going to jeopardize. It will require emotional risks that I'm just not ready to take yet. When will that be? When I'm ready. And for him, that is not good enough.
So It has been a day of letting myself feel 'not enough', insufficient, and basically a bad person for H. Am I a good person to me, yes I was. To my kids, yep. To a friend who I will celebrate her birthday tonight.. yes again.
So why do I let his negative defining words impact my mental attitude and tear at my self-esteem so much more than my own positively defining words? As the tootsie pop owl, wisely said.. the world may never know!
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Does H always call that early in the AM? I don't think I'd like that.
So I'm going to play devil's advocate just so you have another viewpoint.
First off, the adage "we always hurt the one we love" is true in that we often go out of our way to do nice things for acquaintances but wouldn't do the same for those closest to us. I say that because there's an underlying current of that in what I read in your post.
Could he feel that he's done everything you've asked and yet nothing has changed? I would guess that he's feeling discouraged and lead on at this point.
You should determine what you ARE willing to do for the good of the relationship, communicate that to him, and then be willing to take one step further. Coming out from behind the wall is no fun and it's risky and fraught with jeopardy. That's what being human means, though. If you stay behind the wall, you can't be reached.
Maybe you should just tell him that this isn't a game of tit for tat - that you've been damaged by the experience of the last xx years and recapturing the emotions needed will take time, but you aren't rushing out of the situation. And you're trying. And you appreciate his patience and understanding but he needs to keep trying and also be willing to take additional steps. Tell him that the rule of thumb is 1 month of relationship work for every year of marriage - that should put things in perspective.
And I don't mean this to be a 2x4, but I'd guess you're letting yourself feel insufficient because you feel guilty. You're now in his position prior to the bomb, where you're caught up in work and you don't want the relationship to intrude. Could there be a little of that? If you were him and he were you right now and you heard your words and were saying the things he's been saying, would you be comfortable with the sitch? Would you feel there was progress?
Just asking ... I'm sure you've heard all this and thought about it a hundred times. I'm only reminding you to think of it again and try to determine what's really going on here. You're here on this board for a reason, so what's the next baby step?
