I realize my sitch isn't as bad as others. Suffering is still suffering. You know maybe it would be easier if she would have no contact. That is almost impossible with the kids.
You know six year olds are pretty smart. I asked my son. What are we going to do to get mommy home. He said he didn't know but he tells her that he wants her to come home. That he misses her and wants her to come home. He said she says OK in a real mean voice. Sometimes she says Ok in a sad voice. I asked him when he asked her this. He said he usually asks her in the car.
Right and where you went to the bottle I 180'd and quit.
I'm still hoping there isn't an OM involved but gee your imagination just goes crazy. Yes she looked me in the eyes and told me it was over. I still don't believe it. However she proves it everyday when she doesn't want anything to do with me. I have come to expect nothing. It still seems like there is OM, but really in all acutality she hasn't had time for it. However my buddy said, people find time. Really if there was OM I think it would have came out by now. Kids talk. People talk. Even family can't keep their mouth shut.
Well good for her she can go work her a$$ off slinging ice cream cones. (That sounded angry.) I can not worry about her anymore. I am not responsible for her anymore. Is this an anger detacthment.
By the way Mark Twain was an atheist. I wouldn't read his words if they were on toliet paper.
"So you prefer the direct approach I guess. " Duh... Give me the black and white.
"You are not fricken special." You are right, but you are.
"The difference is I came on here to change myself. To better my behaviors and fix what I was doing wrong. At some point I let go of her and was only concerned with myself." Well good for you.
"You on the other hand simply wish to blame her for it all and not have the patience or strength to do what needs to be done." Which is what? Change myself?
"See that is bullshitt." You wouldnt be telling her you love her, trying to kiss her," Dude did you bother to read anything she was the one constantly giving me the cheek wanting me to kiss her. If I didn't then she got mad. If I did I just validated her decision to leave.
" I was wondering what the hell happened to the great and mighty Kreskan. Now I know. " Good I'm glad you solved that mystery. I'll be able to sleep tonight. Kreskan???? Oh Kreskin, he never found the check. Maybe he should look for cheese.
"To be honest with you, in reading your stuff, I wonder what the hell you are doing here." Me too...
"Are you real or just someone who enjoys this sort of thing. If it is real are we getting the whole truth, or only what the dilluted painter wishes us to see." Yes you keep thinking that. I am as real as they come.
"If your done being a smart ass now" I thought you were...
"what is right in front of you is a woman who has left you but continually puts herself in your face. A woman who pushes your limits to see just what she can get you to do whether it be get mad, hostile, loving, or scared. She tests you constantly and constantly you fail." I don't think it is a test. I think it is her just abusing me. You see nothing in her little head came true. I didn't turn into Scott Peterson. I am not stalking her. I don't bother with her. I only interact with her when she interacts with me. I try to make it as positive as possible. Then I have advice given to me and I say why I shouldn't do it. Then I do it, and it blows up in my face.
"People here suggest to you how to behave and you don't listen. You would rather do things your way because you know so damn much. Let me know how to get onto http://www.lostphil.com so I can fix my marriage with your fantastic technique please." Like I said. I know my wife. So I'm going with the flow. She thinks she is controlling the situation. She always controlled the marriage. So go ahead control what you want. Be angry. Be lost. Be alone. I don't really care. I told you guys two weeks ago I felt like putting a dam bullet in my head. Now I don't.
Dude, I'm doing it. I'm journaling it's part of my GAL. I just happen to be journalling with interaction.
Nobody and I mean nobody here has the answers. Only she has the answers.
I have a goal and it was the same goal as before. I don't want to be on these boards with thousands of post under my belt years from now.
Maybe all of this is bullsh|t. Maybe you enjoy it. Because you read it. Maybe you need to find something. Maybe you still need to change. Maybe some of us need to stop making excuses.
You know six year olds are pretty smart. I asked my son. What are we going to do to get mommy home. He said he didn't know but he tells her that he wants her to come home. That he misses her and wants her to come home. He said she says OK in a real mean voice. Sometimes she says Ok in a sad voice. I asked him when he asked her this. He said he usually asks her in the car.
Phil, I have an 8 yr old S. I can't imagine putting the pressure of our separation or our upcoming D on him. I really wish you would re-consider asking him questions like that. It's so difficult on these young ones, they don't need that pressure of having to choose their loyalty or being the peace maker. They are not mature enough to process something like this. Their security is threatened and you need to reassure them you will be there for them regardless of what happens between you and their Mom. Don't bad mouth their Mom or recruit them to make her feel guilty. That's just not right!
Please, if you get anything right here, make it your kids welfare and happiness.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
So once again.. full circle.. right back where we started from.
So again.. This question has been asked numerous times..
Let me write it out real clear...
Are you here to journal with no interaction?
You are saying that this is still the way you feel..
"From LostPhil..
I'm fine. My head is super clear. I feel like a huge burden of living up to her standards are over. I'm eating. I'm sleeping. I writing. I'm going to school. I'm focused."
LostPhil is just posting his feelings. He just wants to document his thoughts. He has no issues.. and everything is under control. He has focus and things are going to work themselves out."
All you have to do is write it out with you QWERTY keyboard.. and everyone will leave you alone.
3 little letters or 2. The choice is yours.
Or you can do as I expect and disregard the question.
The message won't change.. no matter how hard you try. Too many people have been where you are.. made the changes.. and come back. Heck even the ones who did not still believe it.
If you think people are doing this for any other reason than they want you to win.. Well.. you would be insulting your own intelligence.
And.. you really don't want me praying for you.. or your wife.. cause it never turns out the way I expect it to.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
There is some sick twisted humor in this saga - kind of like watching a Borat/Ali G segment...
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
My accomplishments that I have told you have only scratched the surface. All of the talent I have comes from God.
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
By the way Mark Twain was an atheist. I wouldn't read his words if they were on toliet paper.
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
I went into a black bar the other day. Scared the Bejesus out of them all.
Originally Posted By: LostPhil
I can go in front of a crowd and do whatever. Play guitar, makes jokes, do a presentation, or act like a goof. I was the life of any party. I make people laugh all the time.
You are right we should shelter our children from this so when something screwed up in their life happens they will lock themselves in a room and eat stale pizza and drink themselves crazy.
The difficult part is over for the kids. When she was still at home the frustration on my part caused a lot of arguements that our children had to be part of. I know my son went through hell with me. I'm not looking for loyalty either. He is wise enough to know what and where he wants to be.
I don't badmouth their mother either, and I certainly didn't plant information in him to tell her to come home.
I think he is saying to her. Mommy if you want to be with me than come home.
Don't put intelligence and maturity in front of the children. If anything it will rob them of their innoncence. That is the sad part. But hey lets not sugar coat this. I asked him a simple probing question. Why don't you want to be with your mother. She is boring. Do you want mommy to come home. Yes, but she just says OK in a mean way. It may not be the proper thing to do with letting the kids process the information, but it's better than confusion. When they get older they would know the answers of the split up. It's like sheltering your kid from death. Don't take them to funeral homes, and don't explain to them what is going on or why such and such isn't around anymore. I know kids that grow up to be adults and can't even step foot into a funeral home. My wife is one of them. Now my mother on the other hand always let me process at funeral homes. I now embrace death. Death is for the living.
We are in a form of purgatory here on earth. This confusion with my spouse is my cross to carry right now. I'm not blaming her, and I'm not taking all the blame. We were both wrong and we both got to this spot. I however was willing to accept that she wasn't and she left.
You know it's just funny because of all the fighting about her leaving and me begging her to stay and work things out. My son said he was going with mommy.
You still didn't say anything. You keep asking yourself the same questions. Why is lostPHil here. Why do you need to know why I am here. Maybe I'm telling you that your ideas of interacting with people that are hurting are not correct. 2x4's... What light do I need to see. Run Forrest Run....
"Are you here to journal with no interaction?" No, I really like the debatting. I think it saved my life. Didn't I freaking say I wanted to put a bullet in my head. I think the journaling with interaction saved my life. Yes I have you to thank. Phoenix, AmyC, Jack, Bworl, Ian, and dam it anybody else that posted. I'm just too lazy to look at all the names.
That's two letters Forrest. Now which piece of chocalate are you going to take. This comment was the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life. "And.. you really don't want me praying for you.. or your wife.. cause it never turns out the way I expect it to." Did you ever think that your praying isn't what you want, but what God wants for you? I didn't ask what you expected from your prayer.
I'm asking you to pray for my family. I'm asking you to pray for my reconcilation of marriage. I'm asking you that you pray that my wife grows up.
Forrest, really if I'm so frustrating then why do you keep returning. I'm such a great writer, I'm not. I'm funny, I'm beligerent, I don't take no crap, I'm passive aggressive, I'm a lot like you.
I was just proving that I don't have a self esteem problem. When you put it that way you make me feel like a cheap hooker doing tricks for penny candy.
You are right we should shelter our children from this so when something screwed up in their life happens they will lock themselves in a room and eat stale pizza and drink themselves crazy.
Yes, you face YOUR problem anyway you choose, whether it be Jack Daniels or WWII over the laundry, doesn't matter. There is no rationality for dragging a 6 yr old through it with you.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I'm not dragging him into this. He is in it. He is the one that said, Dad you don't look sad anymore. I'm telling you my son went through hell with me. It was unavoidable. But it taught me something about parenting. Yeslling doesn't work. When he is with me. I only have to tell him something once. I do not get any mouth from him, and we do stuff all the time.
Yeah WWII over stupid laundry. Now she went dark. She isn't talking to me again. That didn't help my sitch by telling her she couldn't do it here. It just pushed her futher away. At least in the evenings with the texting I felt like I was talking to my real wife and not the teenage girl she has become.
Now I'm just not going to do anything. I'm going to just be nice to her. I'm going to interact with her in a positive way.
Sorry if I hit a nerve about the pizza. You parent the way you want I'll parent the way I want. This isn't about parenting.
You didn't hit a nerve Phil. That was a low point in my life and that's what I did to "medicate" the same pain your feeling. I know it wasn't the way to face it, but that's what I did at the time. I felt sorry for myself and I played the victim. That's a common mistake many of us made/make. We just don't realize at the time how harmful that mind set is to restoring our M or surviving it's demise.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
You are definately a word man, and I think you have met your match in Jack and Amy.C.
I am not as quick with the word-game or the profound thoughts, but what I have learned here over the past few years was how to basically save myself, which in some ways was more important to me then saving my Marriage.
I, just like you was also my own worst enemy.
I could not keep my mouth shut, and I refused to listen to reason.
I didn't get it, why was I the one who had to change when it was my Husband who changed the rules of the game and decided to start a new life without me and the children.
I read your blurb about the Prayer Circle, and wanted to explain. God is in total control of this situation and perhaps it was time for a wake up call.
I have found the closer I get to God, the more trials I face, but they help to build my faith in Him. I don't usually understand why God picks on me so much, but once the trial is over, I usually get a clearer understanding.
The things I prayed for, for you were because you do have to change in order to have your Marriage restored. You wife needs to change too. Phil, you are the Head of your household, you are the leader, which also means your get to go first, so you can lead by example.
One of the things My Husband shared with me once, was that he just wanted things to change between us. He didn't really want a Divorce, he just didn't know if they could really get any better. He didn't believe that anybody could really change. I set out to prove him wrong!
Many of the things you are describe about your wife sound just like my Husbands MLC antics.
Full on tantrums, and endless texts and voicemails. He wanted me out of his life, so why keep up the communication?
I guess he was like a naughty boy, who keeps checking back to see if his Mommy is watching, much like your wife.
I think I posted to you about you being the authority figure in her life, and that is why you are the target, or rather the scapegoat.
Honey, she still loves you, but it is burried deep down right now, underneath all of the other baggage she has been carrying around for years.
I went back and re-read your threads, and I was wondering if you have actually read some of the advice you have been given. I know you have responded with many smart arse remarks, but have you actually taken any of the advice here on board?
Gotta get the kids ready for school.......
Have a totally blessed day!!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Yeah WWII over stupid laundry. Now she went dark. She isn't talking to me again. That didn't help my sitch by telling her she couldn't do it here. It just pushed her futher away. At least in the evenings with the texting I felt like I was talking to my real wife and not the teenage girl she has become.
Now I'm just not going to do anything. I'm going to just be nice to her. I'm going to interact with her in a positive way.
Phil,
Good re-evaluation and adjustment in approach. I feel this is such an important part of DBing. To try something and watch and listen. If it has the desired approach then continue down that path, else try a different path. As silly as it may sound it muight even be worth an apology of over the laundry, nothing involved, just a quick one etc. In my sitch I tried the dark thing for about a day or two and then it was made pretty clear to me that my methods were not bringing me any closer to my W.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
This morning was pleasant. I called her to tell her I was droping off son. She was all out of it, so I said ok goodbye.
When I got to the door she answered and looked pretty haggered like she just woke up. I still wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers. She didn't say anything but used the body language that she wanted me to carry him up to the living room and put him on the couch. So I did. I told son to tell momma he had a good night and didn't wet anything. She got in my way as I was trying to leave. I brushed her hair behind her ear. She gave me a hug. I asked her what her plan was with the kids because she starts at four. She said she didn't know who was going to watch them. I kissed her on the cheek and backed off. Then I held her hand and said good bye.
She walked me out and I didn't look back. I only told son to be good for momma as I was walking down the steps.
I almost lost it going down the steps. It only lasted for a couple of minutes. The drive into work was pleasant. Quiet. I said some prayers. I feel pretty good now.
Last night I was watching Pastor Melissa Scott. Now I don't agree with woman pastors and the such because I'm so anal about Catholic dogma and teachings, but Scott message is always about the closeness with God. I guess I watch it for the same reason protestants watch EWTN. The message is about Jesus. I also like how the Scotts examine the language in the bible. Something really rang out. We don't listen to God.
I'm praying to God, and he has given you people as my tool.
In my sitch I would even consider offering to watch the kids for your W if it is possible. It can only win you points and you get to spend time with the kids which is always a good thing. I have done this for my W several times through the Sep, most of the time at her house.....so far it has only yielded possitive results for me. Sometimes, I would even do little acts of love when I was there (load of laundry, fix something etc). I wouldn't make a big deal of it, maybe just mention it. She will notice. It shows you care without having to get into a R talk or put yourself out there.
Quote:
I almost lost it going down the steps. It only lasted for a couple of minutes.
It does get better....I would lose it all the time (big time) in the beginning of the sep, never in front of her but sometimes very publically.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Well I know I'll have the kids tonight, it just the transition part that she doesn't know. She starts at four and I can not get home until after five. I guess some of this is becomming sort of go with the flow. Well that is for her to figure out.
Tomorrow she is going to be off, so this is going to get interesting. She will probally want son to stay with her so that she can sleep in.
TD, I think I'm done with the little acts of love. Fruitless.
I will still do her laundry. I just don't want her to come into the house when I'm not home. Although she is most likely there now. If she comes to the house then at least she can run the vacuum or something like she said she would.
When does it stop becomming about her?
Really I don't even want to talk to her now. She has clearly showed that she isn't looking back. She is clearly showing that she wants nothing to do with me, unless it is to cause drama.
I think I handled the Fathers day thing wrong. I think I handled the laundry thing wrong. I think I handled the come before your shift wrong. Setting boundries, and then I get shut off more. I know she has to suffer loss and I have been making it to easy on her.
She has plenty to deal with. Everyday she has to figure out what to do with the kids. Every week she has to figure out a different schedule because it changes so much. Everyday she has to realize I'm not taking care of her.
Hey maybe what was working was she did show up early before she had to go to work. I know what didn't work, and it took us out of the calm.
This texting thing. This I'm leaving her alone. She can play dark better than I can.
Sounds good......you are in the best position to see what effect actions and changes have made and know what to do to alter your course. Just don't be affraid to evaluate and adjust your approach on a regular basis if need be. I know I have made several course corrections (major and minor) through this whole process.
Sounds like your W does have a full plate.....figuring out the logistics like that can be a challenge. In my sitch I would let my W have difficulty "treading water" in these situations, but I would never let her drown. It was a difficult and often thankless balance between respecting the boundaries and showing that I cared but I think it has yeilded positive results.
Don't second guess yourself too much, but learn from these reactions and adjust.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
At this point in time Phil, I find you ridiculous and hard to believe.
We occasionally get trolls here.
I mean I know that there are people out there like you; but you're almost a caricature of all the worst possible attitudes and and personalities at accepting advice or help.
It almost seems like you post things just to antagonize and get arguments started.
If this is really you, I can see why you and your wife interact this way.
: ) Still stand by my self esteem statement, saying your an over achiever does nothing but further validate it.
Posting to you, might have some good effect, but really at the end of the day, while you are not a waste, I stand by that as well, what you choose to do has no impact on me, at the end of the day, I go home to my wife and family, which is whole, and sleep with my wife.
You tell me in a few months if your rigid inflexible plan allows you the same comfort.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Once again Jack, whatever you just said wasn't helpful. How is she suppose to see changes if she doesn't want anything to do with me or doesn't talk to me.
Then when she does try to talk to me, you guys tell me not to talk to her.
Jack, how do you know what I need.
By the way I don't care what definition you use for debate. Calling someone a bitch was not part of the debate. It was a direct comment. Its the same comment I wish someone would tell my wife. (B|tch go home, stop making excuses and stop making things worse).
Plus she was screwing with me. She said she was just around to take my temp. So I think her and I are on a mutual understanding. Then she comes back and slams me.
Nice try, Jack, I may be crashing a little now but you still didn't say anything.
Yeah maybe she was testing me again to see how much I would text back. Put my nuts right back in a jar. I mean I already told her at 1 that I would pick up the kids. Why did she text back at 2 and ask if I would pick them up at five.
Asking for a booty call. I'm a damn idiot. I just validated her leaving again. It's alright I'm gone he still loves me and wants me.
I think you are really being a dick. Your right I have a self esteem issue. Yeah I'm a troll.
It's because everytime I use your advice I go ten steps backwards with her.
"but you're almost a caricature of all the worst possible attitudes and and personalities at accepting advice or help"
Thanks. Did you ever think your advice sucks.
Here it is in summary. Her words.
I never felt like you loved me. You never showed me affection. I didn't think you would care if I wanted a divorce. I don't know why you are taking this so hard. I wish you would have showed me how much you adored me before this. This is hurting me too, I don't want to hurt you. You are a better father. You were being so nice what happened.
I STARTED TAKING ADVICE FROM PEOPLE ON DIVORCE BUSTERS.
Go dark... I turn it into ignore. When she is already dark on me. All I want is for her to talk to me. I got three sentences out of her. It was like we were roomates. Then she would walk around naked or half naked. Talk on the phone with her girlfriends and act like she was having a party.
I kicked her out of the house. I told her to go down her parents. I thought her parents would be able to talk some sense into her. NO they said they tried. She moved out after that weekend.
Now I'm being alienated by her family. Her sister, man don't even get me started about her sister.
Her sister, Her friend, and all the other a-holes out there killed her self esteem. She said she bought stuff for the house and wanted things all the time because she thought it was making her happy.
She focused on the house, and she focused on my drinking.
I quit drinking after the bomb. She told people, but not me, that even if I quit drinking and went to AA she was still divorcing me.
She didn't drink and I like to social drink. Yes at times I got out of control with it because little wife wasn't going to tell daddy what to do. I wasn't a 15 year old locked up in her compound. I would go out one night a week to go shooting. She would tell me to be home at 10. What am I 10.
However when she went out with her girlfriends she would stay out until whenever. After the bomb she wouldn't even come home into early morning. But she justified it because she wanted a divorce.
I constantly got accused of cheating on her. She said I was constantly MIA. Where is she now...
It's always been a double standard and never play by the same rules.
She is a little spoiled brat and I made her that way. She never went with out. She never had to work. She wanted to be a stay at home mom, and I worked my a$$ off for her to do it.
What the hell am I going to do now... Go with the flow she says.
