my story adventures of a WAW!

[Flipper]

Christa,

Here's the latest...We are going to see an attorney to do the property settlement. I was on the phone with her for over an hour. Some D talk, her opening up and telling me what I did wrong; how my stress affected her...and it DID screw things up. She started crying when telling me of my behavior and got fed up. But later she told me that she forgives me and is beyond it. Hmmm. It clearly still hurts her.

She did make mention of our recent nice visits saying that they are making new good memories. But she places these visits in the friendship category...not at all the beginnings of anything. I told her that I had noticed that, after we have a nice visit, she walls-off and seems to feel threatened by it (I put the cards on the table). I told her that the good calls and visits DO NOT give me hope (I lied). I said that I now expect her to pull back after such a positive visit. She confirmed that. I added that I was painfully aware that these nice visits never leave me feeling that things are turning around. I asked if we could just get a stinking cup of java and not read into it. She welcomed that. It seemed to help put her at ease.

But, man, she sure seems to love her lifestyle and really wants this divorce. I asked her why she kept telling me "let me go..." She got the impression that I was stalling the settlement by not calling her. I told her that I did not believe in this D and would not be calling her, moving this along. She would have to call me and I was letting it go at HER pace.

She said she is very happy being on her own and she is moving on. She says she is not feeling sexual at all and does NOT want a relationship with anyone. Really sounds like she is fried with relationships and wants to truly be alone. She very clearly told me that she does not want to be married to me. When asked how she would feel seeing me with another woman, she said she would welcome it. That freaking hurt but I asked.

We ended up talking about what as going on in her life and actually had a good talk...but maybe I have to go dark for her to see what she is losing. If it were not for the proceedings, I would not even call her. We told each other that we loved each other. I backslid on some issues. I even asked her to put the D on hold so she didn't have to refi the house and raise the mortgage through the roof. Of coarse, "no". I had to try.

I'm really trying to "let go", but I'm afraid I will be "done" with her and this would end things for sure. I don't know what to think, except to take her word of what she says.

[christarn]

flip...give it all some time to settle at least 72 hr then go from there. I was so angry with my H I said and did things just so he would leave me the hell alone. As soon as he backed off and gave me some space to figure things out...it was then I realized what the hell I had done. I don't think you going dark and truly GAL would hurt. Let her have some time to be with her thoughts and see if this is what she wants. I thought it was what I wanted...and look at me now. Would do anything to turn things around!!!

take care
christa

[Flipper]

Christa,

Thanks for that. You're right. Just have to cool my heels and GAL. She also mad mention that she is starting to "hate people" (like I did with PTSD). I am worried that she is suffering from something like that. She has really seemed to isolate herself from people. Funny thing is, I'm the one that understands her the most!

I think I backslid with all the R talk. I'll have to re-boot and go dark...GAL like you said. She does seem to enjoy the lunches and stuff. She mentioned a couple recent meetings and that they give her new good memories. I do hope she is keeping her heart open. I have no one else I want to be around, so it's not like I'm hurting to meet anyone else. I'll just detach and focus on me.

[christarn]

Flipper, yes deffinetly back off the R talks. I know my H when I first left when he would want to talk about us, I would cringe. When I left it was more feelings I was going thru. Now this is me doing lots of introspection and retrospection...so go with that in mind. I realize a lot of my anger was grief over my parents death that I had not dealt with, not truly understanding what I needed to be doing as a newlywed and embracing that time in my life, trying to put myself thru school and work full time...I was way overstressed and took it all out on my H and our R/M...where am I going with this you may be pondering...you were asking about PTSD and your wife...what about something else? Some type of depression, anxiety, hormone changes...I'm just saying looking back I tried putting to much on a full plate...can't help but wonder if your wife felt the same. My other clue is, I felt I just needed some time alone, to find myself and figure out this world for myself; and I like guys and love to flirt around but at the end of the day...there is no desire to have a man in my life...it would just be too overwhelming at this point in time for me.

Don't look at it as her isolating herself from people. I find solstace in spending time alone. Learning more about myself. I read a lot, spend a lot of time online...trying to learn more about my faith, things I can do to prepare myself for when(stay positive) my R/M works out. My family gets wierded out that I spend too much time alone, but it's just me doing my thing. I spent the first part of the seperation drunk, the second part, depressed and now, I'm just trying to figure out all of this craziness! I keep busy just keeping to myself. I also wonder if she doesn't want a bunch of people up in her bussiness?? I know at first when I went out a lot, everyone was asking 50bazillion questions....not so much fun when your trying to relax and figure things out.

Don't get frustrated. Keep your faith. Read the good stuff charlyne and Bob spend you. Have you checked into the joel osteen website? OMG, I get really inspired when I watch him...there are times he even says...don't give up on that marriage, don't give up, you're a child of God...be a victor not a victim...and i just feel like he's talking to me! And I get really motivated and remember what it is I'm really fighting for! Stay busy, find a new hobby. One of my friends has reccommended paint by numbers backwards or upside down...it stimulates the left side of your brain...I'm going to buy stock in the company that makes them!!! LOL

SO just a funny update on my sitch!! My H is working across the street at the medical building...and I saw him in my rear view mirror, we left work at same time today. I accidently planned that!!!! Anyways, He past me twice...I was jabbering on the phone and smoking so pretended to not pay attention...even though you and I both know I hadn't taken my eyes off of him since leaving(thank God for sunglasses)...finally the third time he pulled right up next to me laid on the horn and waived!!!! I don't think he likes being ignored!! It made me feel pretty darn good! And when I didn't waive right at first he turned around and looked back at me!! that's when I waived! score!

hope my rambles help some flipper
Christa

[Flipper]

Wow, Christa- You have so much in common with my W. This is a compliment-you two could really get along. When she's not cold with me, she is pretty funny and cool. She's warped too! I dig her.

She has maintained throughout, "I just want to be alone." When asked about relationships, she says that she just wants to be alone. And yes, since you mention it, one of her biggest complaints was/is that people are so shocked about us and she wants to avoid them.

But the other day when we were on the phone, I asked if she would be interested in going to a one or two day intensive with Michele. I set it up by asking her to help me get "closure" and so I could fully understand what happened to us, so we could remain friends. She wasn't up for it. She said she was willing to do something over the phone, but she didn't sound thrilled.
I felt I had to try and the risk of pressuring. I played it off and said it was okay. No anger.

But she did open up to me about what it was like for her to deal with my PTSD. Man, I remember. I was messed up! This is how messed up:

I would get in my mind that she might have had an affair. One night I woke her up and asked her if she had an affair...10 years earlier! I woke her up to ask this crap! BTW, did I mention there as really no basis for my "suspicion"?. That was just one incident. I would have nightmares, night sweats, insomnia, paranoia, crying, I weighed 320 (now 260), I snored, had sleep apnea (sp), I was pissed at the world, loved her dearly but I bitched all the time about stuff, etc. Almost had a couple road rage situations with her in the truck. I was a different dude in December '07.

When she moved out, she took my guns. That made me feel weird. I told her to keep them if it made her feel better. But I guess that goes to show you how she felt about me. I have never even cussed at her, but she thought I was gonna go loopy or something.

She went to my shrink a few times and finally bottomed out. Wonder why. Now she is fried. I finally got on medication around February, but she already filed. Took the medication a couple months to kick-in...let's say, March. So I've been "sane" for only a couple/few months. I feel great, except for the sitch.

She sees the difference but, today, we went to a lawyer for the property settlement. That sucks. She told me the other day to let her go. But she acknowledged that the last few visits we had were very nice and said that they created new memories. She wants to "be friends" and says she loves me and wants me in her life, but not married to me. She admitted to seeing the differences and said that she didn't think I would relapse, but still wants the D. I just think it's too soon for this thing to end.

She has a game face and attitude. But the other week, when we were in the bookstore, I saw her guard come down. Her face and voice softened. I miss that side of her. Hope to see more of that. Come to think of it, she's not so tough, probably just scared.

I forgot to mention, she gave me a fathers' day card "from the dog". I got it today and it was nice to get. She's making sure I get dog-visitation. Are we pathetic or what.

You know what, Christa? This may be pretty ballsy to say, but if we make this thing right, I would love to have kids with her. Before, I was too depressed to think I would be a good father. But now, I know people can change for the better. I feel happier than in a long time. I know...one step at a time. It's a nice thought though.

But you just echoed what she has been saying about being alone, no men, staying away from people, etc. She's been reading a lot, doing gardening and working extra hours to pay the bills. Doesn't seem to me she would have much time for another dude...at least not to me.

Yes, I love that Joel Osteen guy. Very cool. I get my dailys from rejoice and I listen to the Stop Divorce Radio every day. Reading lots of scripture, etc. Thanks for all the resources!

Very cool move on your part, getting in front of your H. You're too slick! That's pretty funny...but STOP smoking!! Okay, you need stress relief. Maybe later, when you guys reconcile. Carry on. Very glad to see your H feels comfortable enough to approach you and wave, etc. Keep luuuring him back to you...you spicy girl, you! You seem to have "The Kavorka"..."the lure of the animal" (phrase used for Cosmo Kramer when his animal magnetism caused a Greek Orthodox nun to leave the order to pursue him). Yes, you have "Kavorka", Christa. No man can resist you!!

[christarn]

hello all!! hope all is well with everyone out there! Just wanted to update/get some feedback on something that happend over the weekend.

H's bday was over the weekend...i was going to ask him if I could buy him a drink sometime, but wanted to feel out the sitch first..so here's how it went down. His bday was sat, so friday, i sent him a text saying, happy b-day early. thinking if the response was positve I would see what he was doing fri night. When I sent the text he was at work, so a few hours later, he sent back a response, just said "thanks". So I just tested the water a little and asked, what's new with you...he never responded. This is a new behavior??? He had been very corgial and anytime he text me, things had been going good. This was the first time in months I had initiated communication...so I don't know if that had something to do with it. I don't know if he is upset because when he past me a few weeks ago I didn't wave or give him the response he wanted. Or if the OW is back in the picture, and something is going on there??

My mind has just been racing a little over this new behavior. not sure what he's up to?? I don't know if him working next to the hospital where I work is factored into this as well. I know he has seen me when I go out to break...could he think that is some type of "chasing" behavior??

Any input would be great!! Just not sure what is going on with him! Not that I ever am/or have been!!

thanks
Christa

[Forrest Gump]

"My mind has just been racing a little over this new behavior. not sure what he's up to?? I don't know if him working next to the hospital where I work is factored into this as well. I know he has seen me when I go out to break...could he think that is some type of "chasing" behavior??"

You both have been doing this little dance for a while. If I was a guessing man.. I would guess you two are stuck in a little circle.

You both "chase" a little.. then back off.

I have shy'd away from telling people to push it a little.. mainly because I post to newcomers. But.. you are not really new to this. So.. Why not step it up a little.. You have to decide for yourself.. when to stir the pot a little. If things seem flat.. you need to start looking for things that will work and things that won't.

[christarn]

Thanks FG....Still looking for a bumper sticker to say i've been gumped!!!

thanks for the input. I agree totally that he and I do this crazy dance...i'm just not sure on how to remedy the problem. When i first realized that i wanted to work things out, i chased...it worked for a while. then, he started backing off....made excuses for not wanting to do things. so i backed off. i'm not sure where i need to be, or how to get there. i just know i'm getting frustrated!!! I get the fact totally that time is on my side...but how long do you run from each other and the problems??

I'm afraid if I become to aggressive and start chasing him again, it will backfire in my face. If I do nothing, i will accomplish nothing and continue to be here stuck in my rut. I'm between a rock and a hard place....and i don't like it!!!

Just curious if you can get a read on what my H is thinking....he's a rather tough nut to crack. Just when I think I'm understanding him...he backs off or pulls something out of his hat.

thanks again FG!! as always great to hear from you and your input is appreciated!!

hugs 2 you!
christa

[Forrest Gump]

9 times out of 10.. I go off the poster. You are there.. I am here. You are my eyes and my ears. All I ask.. is post what you feel. I don't want the sunshine.. I want the high points.

Simply think like a man.. and write it out.. LOL.

No.. really just write what you feel. Let me sort thru it.

I got a little from you on that last post.. so here goes.

"When i first realized that i wanted to work things out, i chased...it worked for a while. then, he started backing off....made excuses for not wanting to do things."

You left.. so maybe.. I would like to see some more action from you. Dating.. is a push/pull type thing. Maybe he was just seeing where you were.

"i'm not sure where i need to be, or how to get there. i just know i'm getting frustrated!!!"

I am a firm believer in the second you think it.. someone can see it.

"I'm afraid if I become to aggressive and start chasing him again, it will backfire in my face."

Leaving did the same thing.. nothing wrong with it.. you just have to understand his perception.. has changed. Who you are.. What you want to be.. factors into this a lot. Set the bar high.. reach for it.. if you miss.. you may still win.

"I'm between a rock and a hard place....and i don't like it!!!"

So you know you are stuck. No way out.. something needs to change. Question for you.. Who can I talk to? Who will have to change things? If you don't answer you to both of those questions.. I might have to talk some more.

"Just curious if you can get a read on what my H is thinking....he's a rather tough nut to crack. Just when I think I'm understanding him...he backs off or pulls something out of his hat."

Tell you what.. imagine I am him.. and fire it off at me.

Honestly the best way for me too see.. is for you to describe it from your perspective. Let the emotion go.. and just type it out. It has the side effect of feeling really good. It helps me see. I have a little Drama Queen in me.. and when I see it.. I know what to do.

Now...

[christarn]

FG..you're great!

So here we go!!

little back story which will come into play. Started dating I was 19 he was 21. My mom died he was there, but only after me begging him to come be there...when the aftermath blew threw he picked me up when I fell. time passes. I go thru school to become an RN, he is my cheerleader and my rock. then my dad gets sick. had rocky points through out relationship; went on a canoe trip found him in a tent with my friend. Eventually worked thru that down fall. my dad diagnosed terminal, i decided i needed a break from him, my cousin and one of my closest friends dies in auto accident, he comes and picks up the pieces, i told him i needed space...time to be with my dad and not think about he and i. a good friend who is male comes into the picture. nothing happened between me and OM, just somebody to talk to during a hard period in my life...during MC, this incident was repeatedly brought up. I realize H looking from outside in was hurt....but this OM, no more than a friend....H on the other hand dated a chick(from here on we will refer to her as PIA...pain in the as#!!...which she has been to me since then!!) PIA is H's SIL best friend...oh joy! Moving forward...my dad passes, H comes to services...i released all of my tears on his shoulders....held up the line for over 15 minutes crying, couldn't handle it...again he picked me up when I fell. A few days later, I stopped at his house, we talked agreed to start seeing each other again. He moved in with me at my dads house. a month or so later he purchased our house...sold dad's house...we moved into our farm...PIA thinks it's funny to call at all hours of the night, and play games for the first few months...she finally GAL...christmas we get engaged...life is good.

OCT 23 04...finally happiness in my life...i am in a church for the first time for something great...my wedding, not a funeral...like so many times before. the first year of our M, had it's moments...but it was goooood for the most part...we were happy little campers. We had our little farmstead, we were building on...i used some of my inheritance to add a pool and deck, then our next addition was a huge pole barn....H built everything.

Then 06 came, the year of hell. I started back to school full time, worked full time. H was laid off from his union job, but worked for his parents company. He was on the road constantly. He would leave on sunday or monday and would come home friday. my sis's b-day was in feb, i threw her a huge party and it was the beginning of the end so to say. H kept running off to "smoke" with other party goers...which I knew he did, he's had the habit since we first started dating....but we had friends at this party who were state troopers, and i just thought/felt every half hour...running to do that was slightly excessive...so i called him out on it...and we had a huge blow up...he walked from the party hall where the party was..to the nearest main road...at least 2 miles, where one of my cousins picked him up. It was crazy, to say the least. During this same time H's sister and BIL were going thru D, his family thought I was having A with BIL....don't think so. H's sis just emotionally cut off the whole family...BIL just needed somebody to talk to...at the time I thought I was being a friend...retrospect...shouldn't have been answering his texts or been so chatty catty with him...if it made the H uncomfortable, it probably wasn't such a good idea. Next upsetting moment is when H and our best friends were going on guy snowmobile trip...H's brother wanted smoke...knowing our friend is a trooper, he knowingly hid smoke on one of the sleds....our friend could have lost his job...it just didn't set right with me. Like I said before, I'm good with smoking a j, but time and place...it makes all the difference. On with the story....so i told you about the big pole barn, well our friend who's a trooper also paints cars for fun...spring of 06, he needed to paint a dump truck and needed somewhere big to paint it. so he used our barn. his wife and I our super close, went to school together, work together, love her like she's my sister...so she came over while he was painting, and we were drinking some beers in the shed...and some of his friends show up...well, then H calls, here's all the commotion, and I'm like yeah we're having the first party in the pole barn. Next thing I know, he hangs up on me....I'm like wtf?? So whatever, everyone goes home, 4am...here vehicle pull in the driveway and come squealing down the lane....it's H....he comes in the house...turns on every light, checks every room...wants to know who i'm screwing and where they are hiding...then he gets a hold of my cell phone...and hides it. He sees some of the texts between me and his BIL...and like i said in retrospect...wrong, wrong, wrong. There was one where I said "little dick(h's nickname...no joke) home from work gotta go" H saw that and went off the deep end....and i didn't mean anything by it. BIL sent some that yes were inappropriate...and I think I responded because I was not getting any type of attention from H...he was gone all of the time...and when he was home, I was either at work or school.

So summer came and went, with many more fights, about stupid stuff. He wanted to buy a boiler, and I didn't. He ended up using all of our savings to buy it...we fought about vacations, I wanted to go to nashville to see some friends...he didn't. So I went without him, he wanted to go up north...so he did. It just became so tiring and old. I finally finished my BSN in sept of 06, and to celebrate I went and spent a week with my aunt in TX just to think and clear my head. I knew then I needed some space from H, but wasn't set on D. I got home after driving 22 hours, at 6am on a saturday, that night, SIL was having cookout and of course PIA was going to be there....well go figure H and I get in a fight, because he was ready to go...and I was working from home, and needed to finish up some stuff, so he left without me. Needless to say, he didn't get home until 4am, I was waiting on the couch, he came in whistling and in a good mood....i just knew something was up. Sure enough, being the super snooper that I am, checked his cell phone, and PIA and him had been calling and texting each-other all night. Come to find out, she even drove him to another party. From then on, I knew we needed some time apart.

that brings me to when I left. I packed and left...done deal. He called, begged, borrowed, pleaded...the typical stuff...and it annoyed me more than anything. We went to MC, it was a jab fest...let's so who can get in the lowest blow against the other one...he still blames me for "leaving him" for OM when my dad was sick....that was huge to him. I kind of get it...but also feel that, we got married and when we decided to walk down the aisle, things from our past shouldn't haunt us anymore. So we set up another MC session...phone bill came...he had been texting/calling PIA...I went to atty...and you know where that lead.

So now that is all the back story, dirty laundry. Time to work. I was a mean angry monster. I know that my expectations of our M were out of line...I expected H to treat me as my father treated me. I wanted him to spoil me, and give me all the things I wanted...and I didn't want to give back in return. We constantly fought about money/finances and my unwillingness to see things any other way but my own. We fought over the dogs, I wanted them inside, he wanted them outside.

FG, I know/realize..what I have to do. Believe me a year and a half on my own, it's made me wake up and see some serious light!! I'm just not sure where H is, in his journey. I know PIA floats in and out of the picture and I'm not sure how that reflects on our sitch, if at all. I know/feel if he really wanted D...he still has atty on retainer...why not move forward? He said in one of our talks last year multiple things...a) i've left him before i will do it again b) he's never been good enough for me c) i've changed and think i'm better than everyone else d) his family thinks/encourages him to not work on M e) brother fell off roof in the fall(07) H wished it would have been him...he had nothing to really live for.."no wife, no kids...it should have been me"

Like I said my mean angry monster days are long gone. I know it would/it will take time for him to see that...but how can he see when he won't give me the chance? We both made mistakes, i'm well aware of mine, and am more than willing to admit them, and change where change needs to be made.

I'm ready to "do work" FG...just need to figure out what H needs/wants/is looking for???

there's my story...?'s...just ask!