my story adventures of a WAW!

[christarn]

Flipper...breath into a paper bag!! have you talked to a DB coach? mine has really helped me. tremendously!!

Watch the joelosteen stuff...it will totally make you feel good!!

then breath more into a paper bag!!

You have plenty of time...August is a LONG LONG way away....breath flipper breath...time is on your side patience....look at me...been at this since april/may of last year...still here!! time is your friend!! breath in thru your nose out thru your mouth...calm, slow, relax!! aaaaaaahhhhh

hugs 2 you flipper
christa

[jandn]

Yes sorry to hijack thread. Having deja vu for some reason right now as I post and texting a friend about my W. But have a couple of comments that came to mind as I read these posts from last few hours.

Well I thought the no-no was not to contact with WAW family and cant find it on here again, but an apology is different I guess and christarn said her coach said to,so like many other times, I might be wrong.

I read when W first filed (2-14-08) to a friend "its not something I want to do, its something that has to been done". But then a few weeks later tells counselor "yeah I probably shouldnt have filed" so I dont know if that was another lie or what.

I know the feelings. I go to court Monday, and that sets up the final date 77-106 days after that so yea, we will be right around the same time. Lucky you dont have kids involved, just a dog. Just hang in there and take it one day at a time. You have been through this before so you know the feelings you have had before are repairable.

[jandn]

Back to the apology. Since fathers day is Sunday, I wonder if that would be a good time to send a card to FIL apologizing for all the hurt I have put him and his daughter threw not only this year but ever since. I dont know how it would be looked upon and I dont even know what to say really. I know I shouldnt point out things W has done wrong but my own wrong doings. I wouldnt say we were that close, but has told me how proud of me he is/was. I dont know how to explain everything, just wish I knew what I could do to make this right.

[Flipper]

Christa,

You crack me up! I almost lost a lung. But actually I DO feel better! I have always liked RN's cuz their sooo twisted like me. Do you take Blue Shield?

I will make another appt. with my coach. For whatever reason, I get anxious hearing through the grapevine, the things that she tells ME. It's like if they say it to someone else, it's in stone.

Hey Jandn,

I'm still holding onto my letter for some reason. Only you would know the likelyhood the card/letter would be received well. It's a crapshoot I'll admit. What I have done is write a letter and SAVE it on my computer, then sleep on it and read it the next day or so. When in doubt, don't send it. If you must do it, only do it when it feels totally right to you (after emotions have subsided, pondered it awhile, etc.). Don't let fathers' day rush your descion either way.

Has he recently told you how proud he is?...since the separation and all? If so, that would make a difference. My FIL is not happy with me and has never been totally supportive of W and I.

[jandn]

He told me back in Sept after we had a falling out, then turned to him to get advice. Seemed like we were going to be recommited after that day, but took a couple of weeks, and W was back to same ole her again. So, the day after we had a talk with him, I emailed him a thank you saying that is what I had been looking for all summer to turn this around for us. That is what he wrote back about loving me like is own son.

I dont think he is mad at me, cause on that same day, he told us if you guys cant work it out, none of us are going to be mad at either of you. But since then stuff has happened, and can only blame ourselves not each other.

So yea, I think I am going to not do anything. Some things just better left alone. Thanks for the input.

[christarn]

Flipper...yes, I have ben told a time or two nurses have a twisted train of thought!! I will add it to your bill!! HAHA!!

I have learned one thing thru my year and 2 months of rollar coaster riding...believe nothing you hear and only 50 percent of what you see! It is hard to do...but think about when you played telephone as a kid....things were always blown out of proportion....just as the gossip train blows things out of proportion!!

Well I survived the hometown festival days with no run ins with the H. I saw his sister and his niece. His niece was so awesome to me. Sister was nice, but short...which was ok. At least she spoke, could have been worse! I was kind of surprised the H wasn't there...I'm wondering if he got word I was there and stayed away??

Anywho...still unsure about the whole apology thing...think I will hold off a little while longer...and see where it goes with H over next week or so.

hugs to all
christa

[Flipper]

Christa,

Glad your weekend was uneventful and somewhat positive. I just got an e-mail from W asking about the property settlement. She had to end-off with, "Please just let me go."

What is up with that? Why is she so concerned about what I do or whether I am holding on? I haven't even contacted her, except for the friendship/anniversary card. She makes it sound like I am still begging and pleading. Could it be she wants me to give her some sort of green light, so she will feel exonerated?

All I know is I am being true to myself, trying to keep my mouth shut and am validating her. It just bums me out, especially when my house is being refinanced, etc. But she keeps saying stuff like this. I can't even go completely dark because of the paperwork and property settlement.

What does she want? Does she want me to get pissed and "break it off"? I have been friendly and upbeat, so do I have to do a 180 and act unfriendly some how? What kind of prick would I be then?It's not my style.

I refused to give into her and say everything she is doing is great. I simply respond by saying that I cannot stop her and that "my feelings haven't changed". Opinions?

[christarn]

Flipper...your wife baffles me a bit....I'm not sure about the whole let me go thing. Although my H made remarks like that...lets get D'd and if it's meant to be down the road it will happen. I think he wanted me to fight, whine and cry over him. Beg for him. My coach says he feeds on negative attention...it's the only attention he had during his childhood...Was your W's childhood similiar? by negative attention I mean was she in trouble a lot? Did she make trouble to get attention from her parents? There is a reason she saying to you "just let me go?" she feels as if she has done something to not deserve you anymore...the question is what...or what she is feeling.

I think you are doing good by remaining true to yourself...it's the one thing we all must do in this whole crazy process. Once we find our "true self" again...it's really where the journey begins.

On a side note, I heard some gossip of my own...it's hard to not let it upset me...but I will follow my own adivce "believe nothing I hear and only 50% of what I see"...but anyways, here goes. So I had a freaking great time at the festival days last night, lots of old friends I never see since I moved away, well I called my sister this morning to chat a little about last night with her (she went with me). And brought up how I thought it was strange H wasn't there...she's like well I was told not to tell you this last night because you were having such a good time and nobody wanted to ruin your fun, but H is dating chick again. As in the chick he dated prior to our moving in together, as in the same chick who he called/text and got a ride with to a party (drunk) during our M which put icing on the cake to me walking out, as in the same chick, who immediatly started calling/texting him when she found out I left, not such good news....I was not the happiest of campers. She is not in my top ten favorite people index either. If the gossip train is true, she has proven several times she can make her bed very well...as I will prove here in this scenario: she got pissed off at him one night and decided to put a lit cigarette out on his hand...can anyone say nut job?? so my first prayer is that it is only a rumor, second prayer...she will show her true colors sooner rather than later this go round!!

sorry needed to vent a little!
christa

[Flipper]

Christa, no apologies necessary. Besides, didn't you start this thread? I think I hijacked it Right now take that as gossip until you know otherwise.

Sounds like you had a great time. That's what's important right now. I spoke to my W's friend and ran the "let me go" thing by her. She only speculated. They haven't talked in awhile. W's friend still has a glimmer of hope for us but feels W is trying to "find herself" (Gag!). Basically, it feels like, no matter what, the W wants this D and will stop at nothing to gain her "freedom". Sounds like she doesn't know WHAT she wants and the grass might be greener.

W has admitted to me, in the past, and recently to others that she cries but must do this. She feels she has no other choice and "This is what I have to do."

Christa, I think you may have said that she was trying to get my attention. But it seems like, no matter what, this D means something to her. I speculate that it represents independence to her. If it weren't for my PTSD, I would say she's MLC.

Some other reliable intel...a certain counselor (a few months ago) had her to where she almost would sit down with me in a couples session...but she backed out. She had issues to iron out with me but got cold feet.

Answer to your question: No she was never in trouble and she's a sweety. I do not suspect a EA/PA at all. She's the type of person who cannot tell you what she wants and needs from you. Has a real hard time "criticizing" or speaking out. From what she told me, her therapist WAS helping her with that. Low self esteem. Never thinks she's pretty enough (she's HOT, BTW), doesn't think she's smart. Her friend was just telling me all of this tonight.

Damn, Christa. I love her so much. I'm sworn to secrecy I know but I should be the one praising her. But it sounds like that part is not about me, but about her. Hope she gets help with that. But this new insight might help me with a 180. Sounds slimy to exploit. Yessssss. Exxxxcellent!

Help me with my evil plan, Christa. Seriously, I have no imagination here or even know if I should entertain a 180 on this issue. Ideas?

[christarn]

Ok, flipper first no plans are evil!!! It just helps us to get our S's back...that is not evil, that is us working against the enemy for plotting against us!!!

Second, I am all for having an attack plan. I'm an OCD control freak!! My friend who is totally down with the whole DB thing...is like girl you have got to let go...like big time. When I heard H could possibly be dating the crazy chick again, I was ready to stir up the pot a little...I have calmed my crazy little self down, and will let God work on the other side of that mountain for me so we will work on some 180's for you!

First off, what have you done? What were complaints about you during your R/M. A true 180 has to be changing the things she complained about the most. My best example is one I am currently doing...I used to chase chase chase, text text text, ask to cook dinner, want to do everything for my H. I have stopped it all cold turkey. He's not knowing what to think. When he does text, I don't feed into the things he wants me to feed into...like asking him to do something...he asked me at least 5 times last week what I was doing, kept givin him crazy answers...I know he wanted me to ask him back what he was doing, or if he wanted to do something...can't give him that little piece of satisifaction...cause then it's game over! And I would be bak to square one for at least a month, totally not worth it. Yes it's one big game, and I'm along for the crazy train ride along!!

So now, we have to figure out what is going to make her tick, and get you to do it! Then we will have some success! Get a coaching session scheduled...that will give you a base as well!

good luck
christa