I have never posted to you before. I have been following your thread with some interest.
First of all - I admire the way you have maintained a constructive tone throughout a challenging dialogue.
Second, I am happy to see you are balancing being a father and being an adult. Having adult down time makes you a better father.
Third, many of us oldtimers have gone through a rebound R and/or bandaid R. It seems like that first post D R is a rite of passage of sorts. And I have yet to hear about a first post D R that didn't feel like a soothing balm on wounded soul. And yes, the wounded state of our souls color our perspective of that R. I myself hopped into my first post D R w/in a month of my D becoming legal - and it crashed and burned and I hurt - and I got over it.
Hindsight is 20/20, you will learn more about this R and the role it plays in your life as it progresses and/or ends.
Age difference - not a big deal. You are both consenting adults.
You cannot take responsibility for or have any control over another adult's decision to enter into an R. You sound like you have been upfront about your position. She has heard you and made a decision to move forward. At this point in time, you have decided to move forward. It is as simple as that.
As for getting hurt, well any R that does not end in a forever commitment ends at some point and one person gets hurt more than the other. If at some point this R ends and someone gets hurt - that is just a natural part of dating. At that point, either she will lean on her friends and/or you will lean on yours. Regardless of whether it is her or you - you will both survive and move on with your lives. This is not a M - a dating R that does not work out is not fatal.
You cannot avoid living life out of a fear of getting hurt. If this is right for you now - well it is right for you now. You cannot predict with any certainty how you will view this R in the future.
My C told me when I jumped headfirst into my first D R to go out there and have a good time. He also told me that it was statistically unlikely that the first man I met post D would be The One.
Fourth, are you off kilter? Perhaps... We are all off kilter at different phases of our lives. So plod through it as you have been and eventually you will be "on" kilter again.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Go out there and have some fun. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you if this R does not work out. There is nothing wrong with a man that is a father and in an R - as long he has his priorities straight.
Excellent post from AG. Wish I had her mind/brain. Ian it's your life and you must live it. Life is a gamble whatever. Don't know why I thought of this but 33 years ago when I had my first child and I was a besotted mummy, my very wise and far from young midwife told me that baby must fit into my/our life and not the other way round. It took me a while to see the wisdom in her words. Thats not to say I didn't put her needs before mine but I also learnt the value of me time. Happy mummy equals happy baby. It applies still today.
I'm going to admit I didn't even read what started this "off-kilter" type discussion, but I did perk up a bit at "band-aid" and wanted to chime in.
Anyone can feel free to flame me, but I honestly feel that a guy can do everything right to get his life complete and happy on his own, and still need someone that's a little bit of a "band-aid". Being 10+ years out from my 1st divorce, looking back I still think it takes the kick of interest in someone else to completely shed those last little tendrils of "what ifs" that surround the ex-spouse. Maybe it's just me...does any other GUY (sorry ladies, I'm just not sure you are wired the same way) have a similar feeling or am I just weak? Anyway, I'm saying that if you've been up front with this girl that it's fine to date.
Were your worries how your kids would react to that? If so, I can certainly understand that. I didn't want anyone around when I was spending my time with my kids (that won't work for you if you have them most the time) and really felt nervous and bad for them when they had to share my time with a new woman. Anyway, I'm just blabbering.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Well Phoenix.... being of the female persuasion I have to say you are probably right... that kick does help to take your focus off the pain. But that's the key,I think.... if we can get to the point where we are truly okay with life alone then maybe a new R has the possibility of flourishing. If we use it to "get away" from the pain...odds are it probably won't work out. But there has to be that "first one" to let you know where you are in the process huh?
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
I wasn't even sure about the word "pain". What people have for the first months is pain. As you work on yourself, even when you are fairly happy, there is this vague "pining away", that almost seems pathologic, but it's still there. I don't think that a month after your spouse leaves that you find someone else to forget them, but if you've been at this for quite a while, and essentially accepted it's over with your spouse, I do feel like something is different when you have this band-aid of someone else. You finally can say, even if the person you dated isn't right for you, "what was I wanting my spouse back for?", kind of like Ian now realizing that the Scotland or Ireland thing wasn't so bright.
Yeah, I think there is kind of a "first one" that let's you know where you stand. Do you think that's misguided?
Last edited by Phoenixdeux; 06/11/0809:32 PM.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Yeah, I think there is kind of a "first one" that let's you know where you stand. Do you think that's misguided?
Not at all.... what I think is misguided is thinking that the "first one" is "the one".... especially so if we haven't given ourselves the time it takes to work through the confusion of the whole healing process.
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
Being divorced less than 24 hours, I am just wondering how terrible a band-aid is....I mean, don't adults go out and date to have fun? (Now, I am only going on Friends and Sex in the City episodes, since I was with x since I was 16 and haven't really dated...). If it doesn't end up being "the One," well, you weren't married...
Yeah, I think there is kind of a "first one" that let's you know where you stand. Do you think that's misguided?
Phoenixdeux,
Not at all. The first gal I dated post D was a huge boost. She reminded that women find me attractive... She reminded me women can be romantic...... She reminded me there really are good sane women out there.... It was a fun few months..... NO..... There was no ML.... I saved that for Wifey.....
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Well I can tell you that I do not think that she is "the one". As I said I think I have a great time with her, I think she is fun to hang out with, and I am attracted to her.
I don't know where I stand on the band aid issue. As one of you said my vision may be a bit skewed by the fact that it is so new. Truth is it is a little euphoric and I am not going to try and guess anything about what will happen.
This is one that not everyone will see eye to eye on. And that is ok. Am I ready to date, I think so.
One negative byproduct of having been a DBer for any length of time is that we tend to OVER analyze every little situation that we come upon. We can do this to a fault.
Ian, you are a smart man not given to rash decisions. And as well as many of us come to know each other on these boards, we still don't know everything there is to know about one another, nor can we.
Having good judgment doesn't mean you won't ever worry or second guess yourself along the way.
In the end, when you sit down on the edge of your bed every night and are alone with your thoughts, I know you will lead yourself well. I know that because you lead others well. And you can't do that if you can't first lead yourself.
Anyway, I'm saying that if you've been up front with this girl that it's fine to date. 
NO..... There was no ML.... I saved that for Wifey.....