Well, not sure why you and BND would be discussing our conversation but the fact of the matter is that we were IMing each other and I brought up the dating thing. She and I discussed how me and my lady friend met and she asked me several questions about it.
She also brought to my attention the epreviously stated discussions Jeanette. Do you believe something is afoot....really? Is that a fairly sinical way of saying that maybe BND and I had different understandings of OUR conversation? Do you have any input that you would like to share that adds value to the conversation?
Bottom line is that I have been addressing this issue and trying to sort through all that is going on with me. My issues as I see them. Some have said to me maybe I am in the midst or beginnings of my own MLC. Some have also said that sometimes the opinions offered on the boards can be skewed by one's own experiences in their own lives. It is all subject to personal inflection wouldn't you say?
I mean all of our personalities do tend to come out in our posting styles don't they?
BND, yours and my conversation is an open book atthis point. You have my permission to share what we discussed and if I do not remember it the same way I will share that. Reality is I don't care about the whole who said what and when crapola, I simply care about keeping on the right track and doing the right things.
Listen, please do not take this the wrong way. I do mean what I'm going to say with sincerity. Ok?
Our personalities DO show, for those of us who have read each others posts for a very long time now, we usually can see when a fellow poster is kinda "Off Kilt" so to speak.
Your posts as of late are very off kilt and are more on the lines of you needing validation for something? What it is, I do not know, but there is something else going on and it's not all about the new young girl.
Whatever it is Ian, it's easy enough to tell that your not ready for a serious relationship with anyone right at this moment. Not at all.
You do need to keep on the right track, but most importantly YOU NEED TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
This experience has been hard on us all, and if you think your above it or over it, I do believe you would be deluding yourself.
We also may try and use a band-aide to help us over the hard parts. You must try to recognize what is a band-aide and what it a true action. You also need to realize that YOUR actions may hurt others.
I'm sure it's no ones intention to hurt another person in anyway. Neither our friends from the board or other friends in the outside life of this board.
Remember everything you've learned Ian. Put it to practice.
Sincerely,
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Your posts as of late are very off kilt and are more on the lines of you needing validation for something? What it is, I do not know, but there is something else going on and it's not all about the new young girl.
I agree that Ian's posts have been a bit different in tone lately, but my impression was always that he's just really tired of the whole situation with STBX, has been bit more overwhelmed by it at times because of this, and is ready to close that chapter once and for all and move forward with the cards he's been dealt.
AND...
Originally Posted By: Jeanette1120
Whatever it is Ian, it's easy enough to tell that your not ready for a serious relationship with anyone right at this moment.
I agree, but haven't gotten the impression that he either is in or wants a serious relationship at this point (again I could be misreading the situaiton) - and he seems to have been VERY upfront about that with this person.
Originally Posted By: Jeanette1120
YOU NEED TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
Remember everything you've learned Ian. Put it to practice.
From what I know both here on the boards and from talking to him in person, I think he's doing both of these things, and pretty well.
Kev
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius
"God alone decides the contest; but we must put our shoulders to the wheel." -Adm. D.G. Farragut
Kevin-38; XW-36 M-2.5, together 4 Bomb-1/6/07; D-6/27/07
That is why I chose to post again. My thoughts have been tough to deal with and I am trying to keep the correct perspective and maintain a balance for myself that does not put me in jeopardy of hurting others, or myself.
No, I am not ready for a serious relationship. That is why I have tried to be very up front with this woman and try and explain to her that I am ready for no more than good company and fun right now. I am not looking to move any further than that.
The other stuff, well it is all surrounded by the emotions that come with the ending of one's marriage. We have all been there and we all know that no matter how prepared we think we are, we react and we have feelings that we can't always deal with.
My biggest concerns have been my kids, my feelings of being overwhelmed by parenthood, and at one point my loneliness. I corresponded with one of the moderators at first because she happened to drop me an email "checking in on me". I chose to open up to her and her response was one of caring and concern. The feelings that I have gone through lately have dictated my "off kilter" attitude.
Believe me, I do not think for one moment I am above or beyond those feelings or failures. In fact contrary to popular belief, I do not have a swelled head. I am very very hard on myself. I am my own harshest critic. I have a hard time believeing that I deserve happiness. I have a hard time accepting that the depletion of my marriage wasn't "my fault". I have a hard time feeling like I am a good father. I have a hard time feeling like any woman will ever truly love me. I have a hard time believing that I am ever going to feel secure enough to trust a woman again.
These are the issues that I tangle with sometimes on a daily basis. I am able to see what is right and what is wrong. I am able to post to others with heart fealt conviction and 100% belief that what I am saying is the advice that I would want given to me. Putting those things into practice in my own life has been my struggle. Even as a DBer I feel like I have not done all I could have. I at times do not feel like a success and I question many of the things that I did. Hell, I took her to Scotland in the middle of all of this crap and for the life of me cannot figure out what the hell I was thinking. It was truly 10 days of torture and what is worse is that it was self inflicted.
Anyway, I am simply trying to wade through it all and get my confidence back. Get back to a place where I truly believe in myself and what I am doing. Feel like I am being a good father, friend, and man. Do you understand?? If I was simply wanting to choose the path of least resistance I would not be posting at all.
I don't know all the intricacies of your situation but I've read your posts and sort of been one of the lurkers watching your threads from time to time. So what I say is purely from the suface of things... but it seems that your friends are just very concerned about you and obviously love you to pieces or they wouldn't bother with questioning the wisdom of your new R. From what it seems you, like many others here, have been through hell and are just now on your way back out. The band-aid thing is a very real concern.... it is so freaking easy to get swept up in the "wow" of it all because finally at long last you feel human again... and it feels soooo wonderful to be wanted and important and appreciated. Sometimes it is this wonder we get caught up in and enjoy so much that it is far more desirable than finishing the healing process which still involves that less than pleasant introspect. I guess the big concern would be.... just don't go jumping half-healed.... you'll only end up back in the same place having to finish the process with possibly more work...
Just my 2 cents.... I wish you all the best Ian!
Last edited by lost-n-found; 06/11/0806:53 PM.
Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
That is why I chose to post again. My thoughts have been tough to deal with and I am trying to keep the correct perspective and maintain a balance for myself that does not put me in jeopardy of hurting others, or myself.
Good. Sort out everything that has happened in the last lets say 6 months or so. Remember, even tho we may THINK we are not hurting someone by our actions, we need to put ourself into the shoes of our friends and loved ones.
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The other stuff, well it is all surrounded by the emotions that come with the ending of one's marriage. We have all been there and we all know that no matter how prepared we think we are, we react and we have feelings that we can't always deal with.
No we can't always control those feelings Ian. But we can sure try to be aware of them. We of all people should be acutely aware of OUR feelings and how it's best to deal with them. Even if it means cutting ourself off from others as to not hurt them.
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I corresponded with one of the moderators at first because she happened to drop me an email "checking in on me". I chose to open up to her and her response was one of caring and concern.
WTF? I am not so sure I like that. NO, not that you opened up to the moderator and I'm sure I can guess who it was. But that doesn't sit well with me, what if WE want to open up to another poster and NOT A MODERATOR!!! We cannot just drop them an email. DICTATORSHIP at it's WORST
Quote:
I am very very hard on myself. I am my own harshest critic. I have a hard time believeing that I deserve happiness. I have a hard time accepting that the depletion of my marriage wasn't "my fault". I have a hard time feeling like I am a good father. I have a hard time feeling like any woman will ever truly love me. I have a hard time believing that I am ever going to feel secure enough to trust a woman again.
That is very very true on most of us. Shell shock at it's best. This is why I'm saying to you......no matter who it is, a work friend, a board friend, a unknown new friend, keep in mind that you do need healing time. WE ALL need healing time.
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Anyway, I am simply trying to wade through it all and get my confidence back. Get back to a place where I truly believe in myself and what I am doing. Feel like I am being a good father, friend, and man. Do you understand?? If I was simply wanting to choose the path of least resistance I would not be posting at all.
Then do it. Do it without the interferance of others and a relationship right now. Give YOURSELF time. If you don't do this, some friendships and perhaps a relationship will not have the good chance of becomeing something great.
When we as DB'ers start waffling and going off kilt, we should know that it's time for us to step back, regroup, refocus and start with a new perspective on how we've been conducting ourselves vs how we know we should be conducting ourselves.
Make sense?
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
I have a hard time feeling like any woman will ever truly love me. I have a hard time believing that I am ever going to feel secure enough to trust a woman again.
Ian,
I know how you feel. I have so been there. The REAL kicker is I chose my wife BECAUSE I TRUSTED HER! She betrayed me in the worst way.
How did I recover? I first came to grips with nothing on this Earth is permanent. Marriages can end. People can betray me. That is just the way it is. I got used to it. Second, I realized there are good women out there. They, believe it or not, have trouble finding good guys. Not every women has the lack of morals or values your ex-W had. Many of these gals just want a chance. Many of them have been through similar things you have. Life is all about chances. You need to take them in relationships. My prayer for you, my friend, is that God will continually guide you on this journey.
I wish you all the best.
Take Care,
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 06/11/0807:51 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
