I disagree because I understand the you already HAVE learned how to "be Ian and be by yourself and learn how to live life without a significant other in the picture".
That's what this ordeal makes you do, even if you do it kicking and screaming the whole way. You have done it.
I understand that conflicts that are arising for you with "dating" - the seeming lack of stability from one week to the next...I think this is a feeling you're going to have to work out for yourself though. And I know you will.
So 25 eh?
Not bad.
Not bad at all, old man.
I disagree also that this young woman will end up hurt.
As long as you are honest and proceed slowly and with caution, I see no reason anyone here should be objecting to you having a piece of eye candy.
Or anything else you might want.
JK.
But seriously, I see nothing wrong with it so long as you remain a nice guy.
I am glad you and I are able to have this discussion and I think it is wonderful that we both care so much about Ian that we have his best interests at heart, even if we are on opposite sides of the spectrum.
Quote:
I could be wrong, but I get a sense of "if you are dating then you can't be a good parent and aren't being responsible" vibe here; while that certainly can be true and often is in many cases like this, I don't think it's the case here.
Absolutely not!!!
Going through the ordeal that Ian just survived is absolutely life changing and heartbreaking. Nobody deserves to be treated so cruely by the person they were supposed to spend the rest of their life with.
My only concern is that Ian is in way over his head and I don't feel that I am at liberty to share certain things that he and I spoke about in private.
There has to be a balance, that is my concern.
I do know how it feels to be lonley and at times desperate for some attention from the opposite sex.
I do understand the feelings of low self worth after having been rejected.
I do understand the feelings of being overwhelmed with the daily BS of life and the mundane crap and the kids constant needs.
K-Man, I am no stranger to those same feelings that Ian is dealing with.
But it is what we do with those feelings that helps us to either heal and move forward or makes us become even more "stuck".
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
My only concern is that Ian is in way over his head and I don't feel that I am at liberty to share certain things that he and I spoke about in private.
I don't know how anyone can try to offer Ian any legitimate support if they are missing pieces of his story but it's his prerogative to withhold things he isn't ready to share.
However, he will have to pick his way through what has been said to him and figure out what applies and what doesn't.
Seems kind of a waste of time but it ain't my story.
Well now, I have warm and fuzzy feelings just knowing that so many of you care so much.
Missing information, let me address that because it is not my intent to leave anything out.
I met this girl at work. Not my work, hers. I have employees that do contract labor at her companies facility. SHE DOES NOT WORK FOR ME. I am a "boss" of my employees.
She is also a registered alien resident. She has been in the US for 4 years now and is from El Salvador.
BND and I discussed whether or not she was maybe enamored because of my status, age, etc.....
I actually have taken a good hard look at our dating relationship and do not, from talking with her, get the sense that it is like that. I understand how it could have been the case, but it does not appear to be to me.
Hell, I even joked with another poster the other night because the simplicity of dating her is fantastic. She gets excited when I stop at the store and pick her up a pack of gum while I am there for god's sake. It's actually kind of refreshing that she appreciates the little things.
We have serious talks, mainly about family as she is very far from the people who she truly loves. We also laugh together a lot. I make fun of her horrible english and she teases me about my spanglish.
Bottom line, I am having a great time with her. I had to go away for the weekend a couple of weeks ago and I asked her if she wanted to join me. She did. We had a great weekend. We had FUN.... Nothing serious, just a good time getting to know each other better.
BND, I had a very serious talk with her about all that you and I discussed. I wanted the air clean and to make sure this is not about anything more than enjoying each others company and having fun together.
I agree with whoever made the statement that I have spent my time alone. I have found myself again. I have been seperated for almost 2 years now. It is not mandated that you are only truly alone once the divorce occurs. Reality is that many of us have been alone for a very long time.
And Amy, Hell yeah sista.... this old man still has a little juice in the tank.
Kev, you are aware of everything. Have been with me through this thing and I appreciate how much you care about me. The feeling is overwhelmingly mutual my friend. Golf soon dude........ Just the boys?????
As I said, it was not my intent to withhold any information. I also do not wish to skew anyone's opinion as it is a R, simple as that. The other details IMHO are not that important. The thing that got me about BND and I's convo was the burning question about whether she makes me feel younger and the answer was simply yes. Right now though, I don't think that is such a bad thing. Feathers down Amy, I wasn't playing coy.....
I am happy, by myself, with my kids, and when I am with her. I believe that is what is important at this point.
BND and I discussed whether or not she was maybe enamored because of my status, age, etc.....
I actually have taken a good hard look at our dating relationship and do not, from talking with her, get the sense that it is like that. I understand how it could have been the case, but it does not appear to be to me.
You could probably verify this with her Ian, but in most South American countries, it's very common to have marriages where the Woman is much younger than the Man.
I know this, because I have a friend who owned a small manufacturing enterprise in Columbia. He had his product assembled down there and sold it here in the states. He married a young Woman who worked for him and brought her back here. She's 20 years younger then him and they just had a child. They come across as very compatible and happy together. He told me that's the norm for married couples down there. Her Father was 15 years older than her Mother.
Their culture sees marriage as very different than ours and their divorce rate is substantially lower. They see it in the traditional way as in "forever".
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I mostly lurk, but I wanted to throw a couple of thoughts your way.
Try not to feel guilty about the "feelings" you are having--about your kids, about your desire to focus on you, etc. Feelings are what they are, and they in no way define who you are as a human being. Even as a full time, awesome parent in a committed relationship, great people I have known express a desire to send their kids *somewhere else* for a while so they can have a life, get some sleep, etc. This is normal; it doesn't mean you don't love your kids or won't step up and do what's necessary to be a good parent.
Feelings and actions, as we've learned via DBing, are very different things.
I actually think it's incredibly normal to want to focus on yourself. Being on the piecing end of things, I had the same feelings not so long ago. I'd had to hold my tongue and be the patient one for so long, even though I had issues with my M and wanted to bring to the table. The difference between our sitches, Ian, is that I got my turn. My H has stood in my shoes, heard the hard stuff, and taken action. I got my turn and my say.
I kind of see you as taking your time now as you would if you were in piecing...and actually, you *are* piecing, only it's your life you're piecing back together.
Guilt is a way we torture and second-guess ourselves. Deal with what is, not what *should* be by whatever story you buy into. Do you intend to hurt others? Are you neglecting your children? What is the evidence your actions provide?
Take care of you, keep conscious, and embrace your own happiness.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
SD, we have known each other long enough now that you should never ever hold back from posting to me. I enjoy your insights and take on things.
I agree with you about the time for me stuff as well. My kids leave June 26th for Colorado to be with Carrie's mom and dad. It appears that they will stay until early August so about 6 weeks of bachelor life for me.....I think I can stay out of trouble
ATGO, I am familiar with the cultural norm for south america as well. She has told me that it is ok for a man to be much older but a woman cannot be older than a man. Her older sister was actually a bit upset when we started dating, but since then we have talked and get along quite well. She told me she was afraid I was simply trying to sleep with her sister and then dump her.
Attorney Tom, I do wonder if our lives running parallel is a good thing or not I will relax and enjoy.....as you say......Maybe even eat a pretzel or two.
Ummmm, yeah. You were the one who brought that to my attention when we IMed the other day were you not? I hadn't really even thought about it until we discussed it that night and you probed me as to my role at work. Is that not correct BND?
I will relax and enjoy.....as you say......Maybe even eat a pretzel or two.