my story adventures of a WAW!

[sooners7xchamps]

Christarn: These can be tough times, but I would say if your mind starts to wonder about anything remember what you said here "The power of prayer and patience....they are slowly getting me somewhere." Also slow sucks but slow also seems to work.

[Forrest Gump]

"My home town festival days are this weekend...I'm still undecided about going. If I miss it will be the first time in 29 years I will miss. I know I should look my fear in the eyes and go...I guess with that being said...I'm scared of what those eyes may see. I always have an escape plan...always!"

If the fear keeps following you around... turn around and run at it.

Most of the time.. you will find.. that fear... was just you.

"I never thought all of this would put so many things to think about in my head"

Me either.. I am finding.. I have a lot of room for thoughts.

"The tiniest, littlest. mistake could screw up...and how all my work would be down the drain....with that one wrong move..."

You are stuck in the words. I fixed them for you. Wrong moves.. we will always make. They help us learn what not to do! Most of the time.. they don't have the impact we thought they did.

Now

[christarn]

sooners...thanks for stoppn by...yes prayrs and patience...they are getting me somewhere


Thanks for fixing my words FG!! I will run at my fears I think I have too much room and time for my thoughts!!

will do work!!

christa

[Flipper]

Hey Christa,

I was sitting around, thinking about your sitch. You and I have some similar in-law dynamics. I prayed and came up with this answer for my dilemma:

I will send the in-laws my apology letter (I miss them and truly am responsible for a lot of this). It could somehow not be well received, but so what. From what I hear, they are already mad at me. When I send it, I will give W a heads-up about the letter and SINCERELY explain, "I needed to do this even though it might not be received well. But this means a lot to me to do this. It's from the heart. I need to heal and move forward. This is for me and, hopefully for your parents, who fed me and took care of me all those years. They deserve the chance to heal too. I love them. They made you."

That's it, in a nut shell (now I'm thinking of Austin Powers). Thoughts?

[AnonymousJane73]

You know, something doesn't sit right with me about all of this.

When you are sending an apology letter, I believe that you truly should only address the people that you are apologizing too... ie the inlaws. I believe that it's no one else's business, or concern, because honestly, what others think doesn't matter and they won't understand it anyway.

So, what am I saying... people will hold grudges against you for things that they perceive to be wrong, despite the fact that THEY weren't the ones being wronged. It's their impression of the events and no matter what you try to prove to them, they won't get the message because they have this lens over you and are only going to look at you through their lens, and not a wide scope lens.

I think the apology letters are a fabulous and responsible thing to do, but I don't think you should ever feel that you have to explain your actions to anyone else that is not a party to receiving the apology letter. They will think what they want, regardless.

[Flipper]

I can't speak for anyone else, but as I said, I am doing this for me and mainly MY healing. I'm talking about addressing my letter to my MIL and FIL. Maybe it's a man thing or something and I am looking at this thing from the FIL point of view. If I saw my daughter hurting, I would be upset with my SIL and I, personally might appreciate the sentiment.

It's just something I would like to do to be honorable and forthright...because that is the kind of person I am. Someone else might worry about what they might think. If my FIL twists it around, they're going to do that with anything I do. Can't be bothered.

If they take it wrong, that is their problem. I don't particularly worry about that. But the olive branch has been extended, however futile that may seem to some. The fact remains that they entrusted their dear daughter to me and I, to a degree, squandered my duties as a husband. I feel the innate need to set things straight so I can truly face them in the future and feel decent about it..also for my "spiritual" health. Hope that makes sense.

Now if this was a civil litigation situation and I hit a lawyer in a crosswalk? Screw everything I just said. But it's not. We're all just family here. No worries, bruddah!

[jandn]

This is very interesting subject matter. I followed you over her Flipper. I thought I have seen christarn's posts a while back I when she was starting C.

But anyways, I thought getting in touch with the IL's was a rule breaker but understand you must go with what you feel is best for yourself sometimes. My W told me that when she told her family she was filing, the stood behind her. Then W said when put D on hold, that she went against her word to her family. I dont know if that was a lie or not, but W even mentioned how her brother has really never liked me but her dad loves me. I would like very much to have gotten in touch with him during this process and was suppose for an assignment that we never did, but feel its too late unless W is willing to put D on hold again and show me that we still might have a chance.

What I am saying or asking is when is the right time to apologize to them if ever? Cause wont it look like you are begging or pleading? I know you say you are doing it for your own healing Flipper, does that mean no matter which path is choose for you, M or D, you arent necessarily doing it to save your marriage?

I think its way too late for me to be up, probably not making the words tie together real well. Better look at this later today after I get oh, almost 5 hours of sleep. But hey, I am young!

[christarn]

WOW..thanks for all the input!! should have made this topic it's own thread

I feel personally responsible for many things that went wrong in my M...not all...but many. I just know I said some harsh things about my IL's, and no matter how twisted the words became, they once fed me, opened their home to me, and loved me as their own...for this, I owe them an apology. I also need to respect my H enough, to honor where it is he came from and respect those roots as well. I am not or will not beg or plead for forgiveness...or go into great lengths. I just need to get some of this weight off of my chest...and after talking with my coach, I think it's a good idea. I'm a little concerned though, as H has been really text happy the past couple of days.

Speaking of the devil...he text msgd me today and I asked if I could meet him during my break as he had the "credit card" with him. I did...low and behold, it was a real live credit card. I don't know which one of my cards has been bought out by this company, and which card I had not changed to my new address...but it was a live card...not an offer!! So I'm sure my jaw hit the ground when he handed it to me! I guess now I'm wondering what will the next week or so bring as that is all he has really talked about to lead him into any "chatty" stuff...i'm really hoping he won't disappear again. I guess only time will tell. We BS'd for a minute, then he had to get back to work. I'm still uncertain about the festival days. Things right now are good between he and I, and I'm just so nervous about something screwing that up....not sure what I'm going to do yet. Suppose to go with my sister down home to the first night of the festival tomorrow...will make a final decision then!

thanks for all the input!!
hugs 2 all
christa

[Flipper]

Jandn,

Didn't mean to hijack Chista's thread! Anyway, I didn't know apology letters to IL's were no-no's. I just was wanting to mend some fences with them. I really don't think it would fix the M at all...just get some stuff off my chest like Christa said. Everyone's sitch is different and I am not recommending it for everyone. Only you know your heart and sitch. It's a toughy! Sorry I couldn't help more.

[Flipper]

Christa,

I'm discouraged today! Really down. Help. Word is getting back to me that W is telling people she is divorcing me and "It's just something I have to do." This is the same tone that she took since this started in December...she hasn't wavered. It's like she's locked-on. The D is final in August. She hasn't called me in about 2 weeks. Going dark doesn't seem to work. She blew me off, except for that text message, on our anniversary, Saturday. Man, this doesn't look good. Should I breath into a paper bag? I have a bad feeling.