custody hearing on friday -- so scared

[phbear316]

And thank you inmyplace!

I hope I am helping maryangela

I really do

hugs
bear

[inmyplace]

You're welcome, bear.

Good words always help. Keep it up.

IMP

[spark]

slept ok, woke up with that same feeling, "gotta get d ready for school". then it hits me. she's not here. my god this hurts. so much worse than bomb or affair.

I've been reading a lot from my 12-step material (al-anon) and it's helping. I have no control over h's actions but I have control over mine. detach, love d, stop putting the focus on h, etc.

[LL44]

Thinking of you, so sorry about your mornings dosed with too much reality. Are you ok being away from her 5 days in a row, like you are about to agree with? I think that is way too long for a 4 yr old and her Mommy....

[spark]

I haven't agreed to that yet. h and I last week had an agreement that she would go to day summer camp for July and part of august during the week and I would have her on weekends. then she would come home in august to start school and h would have her on weekends.

we both agreed to this, but since just wants advocate to interview d5, this has been put on hold.

god, Ihate this.

[NikB]

You're sounding a lot stronger Mary - so glad!!!

I can't imagine how much you must miss your D right now. I must say that even though I am CONFIDENT you will have her back soon, I think this is the worst thing your H has done, by far. They say time flies but I bet this week is dragging for you.

(((Mary)))

Keep that focus on you, and your new job. Friday will come soon.

[spark]

when I called d at h's place last night, you should have heard how smug he sounded. "oh, she's playing right now, she LOVES the daycare here". I didn't even go there. I just asked if I could say goodnight to d.

he it literally acting like he's won. game over. I AM stronger, but it's still scary.

I feel like he just wants to destroy me totally. he's got ow (and her kid), now he "thinks" he has d (no child support to pay, hurt me more, etc) and he's got the divorce papers my dad payed for. I'm in anger right now so please forgive me when I say I f'ing hate him. but I'm proud of myself that I've been on my best behavior. I feel like every move I make in his presence in being monitered and wil be used against me.

but why is it all about ME?? what about HIM???? breaking up the family, having affair, LEAVING us!!!

so, if "lose" her during the week (school week), should I just go back to nyc? I can't stay in the huge house here upstate if she's not here. I was staying here because we own it and because we chose to put her in school here last sept. instead of dealing with the whole nyc school hell.

my life is really still in the city. my friends, al-anon meetings, my job is actually based out of the city, I don't know. I know I'm speaking negatively, but the "not knowing" is killing me and I have to figure out a way at least for the next few days to feel that life "could" go on if I do lose her during the week.

again, the one thing this has done for me is literally close any and all feelings (in the romantic sense) for h. yes, he is the father of my d, and I will always love him for that and he's been a good dad, for sure, but I can't be in a marriage with someone who is capable of what he has put me through, forget the past 4 months, just the past 2 weeks!!

[NikB]

I didn't even go there. I just asked if I could say goodnight to d.

Good job not taking the bait.

You did for sure hear her in the background right?

he it literally acting like he's won. game over.

So what? The way he's acting doesn't matter (well it does, but not in the way you think - it's going to bite him in the a$$, I'm pretty sure).

I feel like he just wants to destroy me totally.

It's probably more about him - he wants what he envisions as the perfect life and you're a bump in the road (not that you ARE, but that seems to be his feeling). I don't think it's about destroying your life so much as getting everything and everyone out of his way.

I feel like every move I make in his presence in being monitered and wil be used against me.

Good job, because you're probably right. If that's what it takes to keep you acting calm cool and collected, go with it.

but why is it all about ME?? what about HIM???? breaking up the family, having affair, LEAVING us!!!

You lost me here... what do you mean it's all about you?

As I've said before, I doubt they much care about the A and who left when deciding custody. But I don't understand what you mean on the "all about you" thing.

so, if "lose" her during the week (school week), should I just go back to nyc?

Don't even think this way, OK? Be confident that you're a good Mom and will have her back very soon. Wait until after Friday to make your next decisions. It's not a terrible idea to "fantasize" about your future without your H, but don't "wish" your D out of it just yet. It's good to be confident that your life will go on - keep your focus on that as much as you can.

again, the one thing this has done for me is literally close any and all feelings (in the romantic sense) for h. yes, he is the father of my d, and I will always love him for that and he's been a good dad, for sure,

Glad to hear this first part. It tells me you care about yourself enough to protect yourself from him.

Good Dad? Good dads don't kidnap their child, keep her from their mother, then make Mom out to be a monster, all to avoid child support. I hope that he is taking good care of her while she is with him, but I really have to question that good dad thing. Not worth dwelling on it but I just wanted to mention it.

[spark]

I just spoke to social services (remember h called them using the mental health card). their concern is that I'm still using my psyciatrist from nyc and having my scripts called in here. the REASON is I CAN'T FIND A PSYCHIATRIST UP HERE!! there are very few and they have no openings!!!

Anyway, it looks like that is their last "concern". my therapist (not psychiatrist) will back up this fact.

god, i hate h. I feel like my world is spinning out of control.

[NikB]

I just spoke to social services (remember h called them using the mental health card). their concern is that I'm still using my psyciatrist from nyc and having my scripts called in here. the REASON is I CAN'T FIND A PSYCHIATRIST UP HERE!! there are very few and they have no openings!!!

Yet another reason that it's stupid of H to steal your car. Prevents you from getting to your necessary appointments. Point that out to your L OK? You ARE getting the care you need and he tried to prevent that.

Anyway, it looks like that is their last "concern". my therapist (not psychiatrist) will back up this fact.

Good deal.

one other thought - can your psychiatrist call your scrip in to one of those mail order pharmacies (i.e. Caremark) instead? It should be easy if it's a regular, ongoing prescription.

god, i hate h. I feel like my world is spinning out of control.

Focus on what you can control. What can you do today that you DO have control over, that would be positive for you? (an accomplishment at your job maybe? Some sort of pampering or taking care of yourself, or your home?)