nik -- I know you're right, but this is completely scary. have you ever had social services up your a8**?? it's terrifying!! I'm being made to be this terrible mom and you're right,I DO buy into h's smugness and arrogant demeanor. like it's gospel. I DO have to remain calm, ESP. in front of the judge. lesson learned, for sure.
Some positives you have going for you in your 'fight':
When you have anxiety, you lean on a doctor who has given you tools (like your journal) which leaves you BETTER equipped than someone who just picks up the daughter and takes off.
You use these tools and see they work. You are better equipped, therefore to help your daughter in times of stress.
You weren't afraid to go to the hospital, you knew when you needed a time out.
You are honest and straightforward.
YOU have built relationships with teachers to help your daughter. They inform you when there is an issue and you work with them to resolve or minimize it.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
you guys have all been wonderful to me today. I can't even walk past d's room without crying. this actually hurts WAY more than when he dropped bomb and I found out about affair. I wouldn't take him back if the world depended on it. I know, not a db thing to say, but I see something evil in this person now and it's actually frightening.
I wouldn't take him back if the world depended on it.
After all he's done - I think you would receive the mother of all 2x4's from every single one of us if you DID say you were taking him back.
Most important DB principle is take care of yourself.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I want you go to the top of this page, and your post from 5:25pm today.
I want you to take a few deep breaths, clear your mind and re-read that post.
Honey, In your mind you are being made out to be this terrible person. Yes your h is pushing your buttons, trying to make you out to be this horrible person. Which you are not.
YOU need to believe you are not. You are allowing h to control you, He is putting you into a panic mode over the social workers.
Look the professionals who will deal with your case do not take one side and one side only, so your 5 year old loves her daddy. Good they should love their daddys.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT SHE LOVES HER MOMMY TOO. You are not there when she with him, you don't know she is not asking for your even crying for you.
The child advocate who will work the case does not just listen to what a 5 year old has to say. Let the professionals do their work, you are doing nothing wrong.
Stop listening to him. NOW! shut him out humm a tune in your head. Pretend he sounds like the teacher from charlie brown, wah wahh wa wahh.
Keep control of yourself and your emotions. He is pushing your buttons he wants you to freak out and cry and carry on. Push you over the edge. But you know what you are not budging anymore. Your are a wall of concrete. You won't cry in front of him anymore. You will not cry in front of your D anymore. You will keep it together. Cry in private, in your shower in the am, or in your car. When no one can see you.
I cried every day when my h told me he was having an affair, and wants to divorce me to spend the rest of his life with the woman he now loves and her children. I have not cried in a long time, over him. Other things yes, over h no more.
Take him back, are you kidding I agree with NicB, we would all be standing here with 4x8's.
He is a bully and he is verbally abusing you. let your lawyer do the work, Your job is to love you D, and keep you head up high.
SHOW HIM AND ALL OF US HOW STRONG YOU ARE.
YOU CAN DO THIS
Believe in your heart, you are a good person, with a good sole. You will come thru this stronger than you will ever believe.
For that is happening to me now. I am stronger than i ever thought I could ever be. One step at a time. for this is my now.
Do you do any kind of exercise or relaxation techniques, they will help more than you would ever believe.
Hugs bear
Last edited by phbear316; 06/09/0801:02 AM.
Me 42-Him 40 T20yrs Married 16yrs 2/06 H- "not sure if i want to be married anymore" 6/07 H-"I'm not happy" 9/07 Admits affair & OW 12/08 I moved out 12/09 still waiting for divorce
I am reading the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is a good book that a lot of people are reading now. I just came upon a quote that made me think of you. The author is trying to do something that is difficult for her, and she is very frustrated with her inability to suceed at this task, when she can look around and see everyone around her doing it with no problem. She says:
"I was full of a hot, powerful sadness and would have loved to burst into the comfort of tears, but tried hard not to, remembering something my Guru once said - that you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead."
This is what your husband is counting on from you. He counts on you falling apart. You must not do it. Your victory will come from having patience, straightening your spine and standing tall, and trusting in the system. You will succeed if you do this. But if you fall apart, like he thinks you will, then you will have trouble achieving your goals.
Me 42-Him 40 T20yrs Married 16yrs 2/06 H- "not sure if i want to be married anymore" 6/07 H-"I'm not happy" 9/07 Admits affair & OW 12/08 I moved out 12/09 still waiting for divorce
thanks guys today for all your support. I'm going to really try hard this week to remain CALM and not give in to h's fear tactics. this will be hard, I know.
as my lawyer says when I tell him something h says to me, "Mary, are you green?" at first I didn't get the joke, but when I say, "no", he laughs. "so if your husband tells you you are the color green, would you believe him?" lol
h has a way of pushing just the right buttons. and I DO think his latest actics are due to his own fears of the consequences of his actions (affair, leaving d and me). I think he literally believed he could walk away from here with minimal impact. I can remember when he first dropped the bomb, 15 minutes later telling me that he assumed I would go back to the city and basically what he would do is give me first and last months rent on an apt. as if he didn't have any other responsibilties to the marriage ending.
the motion lawyer gave him on friday MUST have put him over the edge. he told me today that he won't be complying with most of it. I calmly said, tell it to your lawyer and have your lawyer call mine. that was it.
he ALSO said, "see the car out there?" (he "gave" me our 4 year old suburu and bought a new one a month ago), "that's not a gift, you will have to owe me for half of it".
I said, "really? my dad just spent 5 grand in legal fees so you can have your divorce. I think we're even". after that he said nothing.
