custody hearing on friday -- so scared

[smith18]

I think you should consider having your L file a restraining order.

The parenting evaluator is going to see right through all the antics that are going on. Your H talking about custody issues in front of your D is not right.

Look at this list of the worst parenting mistakes a divorcing parent can make and determine which ones your H is doing. Likewise, make sure you are not making any of these mistakes...

1 - Leaning on your child for support during this time of pain in your life is unhealthy and inappropriate. Children can not help their parents through the adult task of mourning the loss of a marriage! And loyalty issues will leave a child feeling guilty for siding against a parent or possibly disproportionately angry at a parent for leaving him with this burden. This is the time to lean on family and friends so you are strong enough to allow your child to lean on you.

2- You should never speak badly about your ex to or in front of the children. Although it may be difficult, it is not healthy for the children to take on your adult issues, even if they directly relate to the child. As a common example, a parent should not share with a child whether or not the other parent is paying child support, how much child support or when the child support doesn't come in no matter how tempting it may be. Because your child shares flesh and bone with your ex, any criticism of your ex will also feel like a criticism of the child and will erode his or her self esteem. This is never healthy and is certainly not productive.

3 - Treating your child like a buddy and relating to him or her as a peer is a common change that occurs after some divorces. While it may be tempting to commiserate with your child since you have both lost something important in your lives, your losses are different. Your child is not a mini-adult!

4 - Mothers of sons and fathers of daughters should be particularly careful that they do not put their oldest child into the position of "replacement spouse", "man of the house", "woman of the house", etc. Children need to feel like children and feel the security of knowing their parent can and will take care of all adult responsibilities.

5- Spoiling your child in order to divert his grief or pain is not a healthy way of dealing with his pain or yours. If you are the parent who has moved away from your child, you may have an even larger temptation to fight off since your time together will be so limited now. It feels important to make that time memorable to your child and what child doesn't love new toys? But more than toys, a child needs to feel stable and safe. This can be obtained through parenting "as usual", despite the changing life around you all. No child wants a toy to replace a parent.

6 - Transferring your hostile feelings about the divorce or your ex onto your child is unhealthy, at best. Many children already feel like divorce is their fault when, of course, it never is. Although your child shares blood and genes with your ex, whom you may resent and despise, the child did not choose for any of this to happen.

7 - Never discuss parenting time, custody or child support issues in front of the kids. This means no discussions during routine transfers of the children from one home to the other. It means no cell phone conversations with your children sitting in the back seating listening in. It means waiting until they go to bed or are out of the area before making phone calls to discuss adult issues. You probably felt it was important not to argue in front of your children when you were still married with your ex. This is just as important now that you are divorced! Even if you can discuss issues civilly, children should not be privy to them. It is far too common for children to overhear these discussions and feel as if they are the cause of the issue or they are a burden to one parent or the other. Children do not like to feel like a business transaction!

8 - Alienating a child from the other parent is an all-too-common, often subconscious tactic that parents may use during or after a divorce. Alienating is a form of brainwashing where one repeatedly insists, to the child, that facts and feelings exist between the other parent and the child until the child begins to agree, whether true or not. When alienated long enough, children may resist any bond with the other parent and that parent may, out of frustration and hopelessness, sever ties with the child. This is the worst no-no any divorcing parent can commit and it has a name: Parental Alienation Syndrome.

9 - Putting your child in the middle is one of the most common divorce no-no's. Asking your child questions about the other parent or time spent with the other parent, or asking your child to relay questions and information between parents are all harmful methods of putting the child in the middle. Parents should always communicate all issues privately between themselves and any questions or concerns about the other parent's home or situation should be directed at the parent, not the child.

10 - Never put your child in the position of choosing. Most states have statues that require a child to be almost an adult before being capable of choosing where they want to live. Some states never allow the child this choice. This is because a child has natural healthy loyalty toward both parents. Being asked to make any choice between parents - whether the choice is who has custody or whose house the child wants to spend Christmas at - puts the child in the awkward position of shifting their loyalty away from one parent in favor of the other. This can leave them feeling guilty, resentful, angry and sad.

11 - Don't make your child's special occasion an opportunity to focus on your marital resentment or hostility. Let your child's birthdays, holidays, school performances, dance recitals and sports events all be opportunities to focus on your child and how proud you are of your child. This is not the time to discuss parenting time issues, child support issues or to berate each other or ex-relatives. If you question your ability to be polite or civil, consider taking turns at special events or limiting your attendance. Often times, though, events will be large enough for parents to both attend at opposite ends of the room, leaving the child to interact freely with both sides of the family without fear of disruption or drama.

12 - Although going through a divorce can make a parent feel emotionally needy, this should not be shared with your child through action or word. A child who feels a parent's neediness too much will begin feeling guilty or fearful of leaving the parent when it is time to spend time with the other parent. In some situations, children can feel so guilty that they no longer feel good about leaving the parent at all, even to go to school or to play at a friend's house. This is a huge burden to cast on a child.

[Sara]

Mary,

If he were sure that he could get custody, he would not be standing in your house giving you the finger. He is baiting you. He is trying to get you to act out, or put you in the hospital. Standing up to him just means going along through life like a good mother. It means not reacting to his pushing. He was up there messing around just to get you angry. He wanted to get a reaction from you. Unfortunately for him, it was not strong enough. He wants to throw you into a panic attack and send you to the hospital. Just write down everything that he does and give it to your attorney. The attorney is your protection. He will do your fighting for you.

Let D5 go back with him until Friday. The agreement will be worked out soon. Then things will be in writing. And yes, he is trying to get custody to save money. He could even try to get you to commit suicide if he thinks you could be suicidal. He is not a good person. If you ever get the chance, you should thank OW for taking him away from you. You will have a better life when this is over.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I know you guys, but the last time I "stood up for myself", a week ago friday and told him not to come into the house, he TOOK MY CAR KEYS, THEN TOOK MY CAR AND IS NOW TRYING TO TAKE D5!!!! Don't you guys get it??? He plays mean and he plays dirty. I can't win.

That's why you will win, in the end. you just have to be patient, and let it play out. That stuff is going to bite him in the rear! He is scaring you, but he can't scare the judge!

I know, 2z4's but look where "sticking up for myself" got me last time?

It got you to where he is losing the power he thinks he has over you, that's where it has gotten you. He is getting desperate, all you have to do is be quiet!

now I have a "visitation with d". (not really, it's not an order, just something our lawyers agreed on until the hearing. In reality I could legally keep her here. He said, "do it, then I'll get custody for sure".

Based on what? If that was the case, you'd get custody, since he didn't bring her back last week! He is all bluster, and talk. Just wait. His bubble will be burst.

He scaring the [censored] out of me. I can't beat him. He's got too much on me. the anxiety/depression crap, my journal entries, some a** at d's school said she wore the same outfit a couple days in a row (not true).

He's got NOTHING on you! The fact that you have been treated for depression and anxiety isn't going to hurt you. you got the help you needed! The journal (if he can even use it) isn't going to count against you. And plenty of kids wear the same clothes to school day after day! And it didn't happen!

He is being a bully. Listen, just because he says something doesn't make it true! Not even close! He is trying to scare you, and you are letting him. You can control your reaction. Look at it like an outsider would, the judge is going to struggle not to laugh at him! Make sure your lawyer knows everything, and keep quiet yourself!

((((((maryangela)))))

I'm realizing that he wants custody also so that he won't have to pay child support and just cut me out of his and d's life. done. [/quote]

[NikB]

Alright Mary first a hug... (((Mary)))

Now, 2x4 time.

Do you enjoy this panic and drama? It sure seems like it. You do a LOT to keep yourself spinning totally out of control, and not a whole lot to stop yourself. (step #1 stop listening to your H, and when you do have to listen, don't believe a word of what he says).

Cut it out.

Don't you guys get it??? He plays mean and he plays dirty. I can't win.

YOU are the one who is not "getting it" right now Mary. He is not "the law," he does not get to make these decisions. You are taking every single thing he says as "THE TRUTH" and "THE WAY IT'S GOING TO BE."

Unless he's going to do something COMPLETELY stupid and illegal and truly kidnap her - but assuming he will follow the law, he is not the one who makes custody / legal decisions.

Let your lawyer deal with it. It's his job. He's good at it.

CALM DOWN, be kind and loving to your daughter.

Make your H leave so you can enjoy your time with her.

Everyone else has said everything I wanted to say and much more eloquently.

((((Mary))))

[spark]

ok, ok, I totally get what you guys are saying. what is scaring me though is that d5 has always been "daddy's girl", adores her father. it's always been this way. and NOW that he has basically had her for the past week and a half (along with his parents) she was really distant from me when he first came and said, "she doesn't want to be here' and of course, she warmed up to me when he left, but kept asking me when he was coming home. we actually had a loving time together. drawing and singing, etc.

I'm just afraid that when the advocate speaks to her, she will do the 'daddy, daddy" thing and of course, when the advocate interviews h, he will emphasise that -- "my daughter always asks for me, doesn't want to go home last time I took her there",etc. how do I compete against that????

[Virtually_Handsome]

I'm just afraid that when the advocate speaks to her, she will do the 'daddy, daddy" thing and of course, when the advocate interviews h, he will emphasise that -- "my daughter always asks for me, doesn't want to go home last time I took her there",etc. how do I compete against that????

You don't have to. That kind of thing isn't going to have a thing to do with it. If that's all it took, all the Disney Dads would have custody, and that's not the case! She's five, her opinion on parenting isn't going to carry a lot of weight!

You are borrowing a lot of trouble, he's got nothing!

[spark]

dry-heat -- thank you for the response. what do you mean I am "borrowing alot of trouble"? just want to understand what you are saying.

[Virtually_Handsome]

You are looking for trouble where there isn't any! You are worried that because your D like your H (a good thing) that the judge is going to give her to him. It just doesn't work like that, especially at 5! Take care of yourself, and D5 this week, let your lawyer worry about lawyering, and you'll be ok! Try to let go of the stress, it doesn't help you!

[NikB]

Again - YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT.

Your H has been acting like a controlling, obsessive lunatic for awhile now, and very dramatically the last few weeks. YOU may choose to believe everything he tells you if you want. I think it's a horrible idea but whatever... your choice.

But the COURTS will not believe everything he says, and they sure as heck won't let him dictate everything.

Your lawyer is telling them all the crazy stuff he has done right? Let it go - let them deal with it.

what is scaring me though is that d5 has always been "daddy's girl", adores her father.

And you want her to, what, hate her Dad????

when he first came and said "she doesn't want to be here"

I sincerely doubt the child advocate is going to assume your H has any magical mind reading powers.

and of course, she warmed up to me when he left, but kept asking me when he was coming home. we actually had a loving time together. drawing and singing, etc.

Great!!! I'm glad to hear this. It's something good she'll have in mind when she talks to the advocate.

She has got to be completely freaked out. Her whole world is falling apart and then to top it off her Dad took her away from her Mom with no warning. Don't you think maybe she's feeling really insecure about BOTH of you abandoning her?? I'm sure she's probably really scared. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that when she's with your H she's asking when she's going home to Mommy, or when she'll see Mommy.

She has no security right now. Makes total sense to me that she'd ask for him (and, most likely, vice versa.)

I'm just afraid that when the advocate speaks to her, she will do the 'daddy, daddy" thing

So?? Do you really think they are that stupid?

and of course, when the advocate interviews h, he will emphasise that -- "my daughter always asks for me, doesn't want to go home last time I took her there",etc. how do I compete against that????

Your H wasn't there hearing her ask when he was coming home, so the first part doesn't even make any sense unless you're TELLING him that. In which case, stop it. Don't talk to him any more than absolutely necessary.

As for how to compete:

By not acting like a controlling obsessive psycho, the way your H is.

By being a good Mom, remaining calm and happy and loving during your time with your D.

By doing what you need to do to get stable, and in control of those things that you CAN control.

By not believing a single word that comes out of your H's mouth. When you don't believe it, it should have much less impact on you.

(((Mary)))

[sgctxok]

Maryangela,

Do you subscribe to a faith? What do you do for self care?

sg

There is no wrong answer, just trying to help guide you to an inner peace and calm.