I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Unfortuntely, the process can be long especially when we can't let go of our spouse. I agree that it seems that you are angry with your Ex and still love her. I am right with you when it comes to feelings about our Ex's; at least your W isn't living with someone else and had a baby.
From what I can see, there is no OM and yes, she still has feelings for you which is a good start. She would not be calling you if she didn't miss you, care for you and yes still love you. You need to show her what she is missing and what she could've had and maybe still have. Now pick yourself up, dream of how you want your house to look like and putting one foot in front of the other, fulfil your dream. Visualize your kids running in the yard, throwing a football, riding a bike, laying on a blanket at night looking at the stars. You can have it all but you have to dream it first.
I know you know all this and yes it is hard, I'm there right now where I feel it will never get better but I know I've had good days and there will be even better days. It's like Don said, we can't see our future but we can see how far we've come. For some, it takes longer but it will come.
I'm glad I took the time to post to you today. In posting to you, it is motivating me to continue to move forward.
Keep us posted on the renos and I'm sure you will make it your dream home once again.
Your friends are still following along because we care. Gee, you even got the privilege of having Frank play the bagpipes for you.
Hugs, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
Been a while so time for an additional journal entry. Once this thread locks, I will resume a thread I started in surviving. After that, who knows.
All moved. I finally got off my a$$ and packed things and moved. Had to get out by April 1st and I did. Everything fit into eight short bed Ford F150 pickup loads. Not much to show for a life. But that is not all true - my workshop and books were still at the house. The move was smooth but even eight loads is a lot since I was on the second floor at the apartment.
House is a mess and I am living out of boxes for now. I did get the floor repaired in my bedroom and put down new flooring. Went with laminate that really does look like hardwood. Easy to lay but somewhat time consuming. Got a new bedroom set. Nice. I also got a new matress - got talked into a rather expensive one but I don't know if I will like it. Something about it - almost supports too well. Guess I am just used to cheaper bedding.
I hope it grows on me and I also hope some future lady will like it too
The furniture is great, the floor is great, and so is the color I picked for the room. But all together I am a bit disappointed. But the accessories are not in yet so I will reserve judgement.
My utility room is next - new floor and paint. Need to get that done so I can get a washer/dryer in.
Ex had the kids for Spring Break so that allowed me to move without problem. Did not hear from Ex over the break so I thought that maybe she would leave me be. But after the break she did call a few times.
She is trying all so hard to be friends. Frankly folks, I want no part of it right now. I wish I had been paid money for each time I thought I had arrived at "forgiveness". I have backslid once again - anger has returned. Mostly anger at me but also for her destroying how she did.
So I flip-flop between anger and depression. I am glad the house needs the work b/c it allows me to focus on it istead of the past.
But these moods will pass.
Had the kids this past weekend. They thought it fun living out of boxes and the fact my fridge is not in the kitchen as the kitchen is trashed. It turned cold Sat and I started a fire in the woodstove. First fire in two years.
Priceless.
So on with the work.
Thanks all for posting and continuing to follow a rather dull story.
the house sounds like it is coming together. I had a down couple of days too but it was because of me and had nothing to do with the dumbtards that were in my life...only my own dumbtardedness!!!
it's good when it is just you being dumbtarded...which, I suppose sounds dumbtarded but it is true!!!
It sounds like you've got a great start on a nice, new place. And how fun for the kids to get to experience the goofy phases of renovation! You've accomplished more a week within move date than I have in 10 months; nice going.
Originally Posted By: Jeff223
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She is trying all so hard to be friends. Frankly folks, I want no part of it right now. I wish I had been paid money for each time I thought I had arrived at "forgiveness". I have backslid once again - anger has returned. Mostly anger at me but also for her destroying how she did.
So I flip-flop between anger and depression.
I'm sorry...and I so very much know how you feel. It is good of you to post it...sometimes over in surviving everyone is so perky it feels wrong to still have these strong attachments and negative emotions. But we do have them, and it helps I think for others to see and know they aren't alone.
Hang in there, we are truly moving forward, just not so directly all the time.
I wish I had been paid money for each time I thought I had arrived at "forgiveness".
I think you just keep doing it and eventually it sticks. Truth of the matter is that you forgave her the first time you forgave her, if that makes any sense. The rest of it is just you accepting that you forgave her and reminding yourself why.
As for this?
Quote:
Thanks all for posting and continuing to follow a rather dull story.
Don't know about you, but after all the fireworks, dull and boring was just what I was looking forward to for a bit.
Life goes on Jeff. One day we get tired of watching it go by and choose to step in and be a participant. But it's still ok to just watch for awhile. Sometimes it's what we need.
We had another local family here recently who lost a son in Iraq. It dawned on me that their lives are forever changed. They will grieve, get angry, and eventually come to a form of acceptance with what happened, but their lives will never be the same because of this loss. But you know what? They will continue to live, experiencing all life has to offer, the highs, the lows, and all of the time in between. They might have to watch it go by for awhile too, but eventually they'll jump back in again.
You're a father and a kind and generous man. Don't keep your light under the bushel for too long.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Been a while and it is a rainy Sunday morning here, so time for an update.
First, I was reading all the posts on this thread and I want to thank everyone. So much good advice and lifting comments. Yes DonH, I am in that depressed state you mention and thanks for pointing out that is where you were a year ago. That means light at the end of the tunnel and it is up to me to ensure that it is not a train of my own thoughts bearing down - instead real light, a new beginning.
Ex has been contacting me less which is good. She did get a scare about her father - he went into the hospital with heart problems. He has a long history and the docs were concerned. Ex left for home and her girlfriend dropped me the kids. GF and I were also friends before the D - she was happy to see me again, hugged me and all. She said Ex was concerned about her dad since her dad was so lonely after MIL passed on last November. Sort of lost will to live.
I can relate.
Thankfully the docs got it under control and he was released after a few days. Ex was on the phone with me each day with questions but more for support I think. Her daily calls stopped when former FIL was released and Ex came home.
She did email me on her return that Tuesday and offered to keep the kids that weekend (my weekend starts on Thursday). I declined but she went on about how she missed the kids. Then this past Thursday was "bring your kids to work day". She took them and spent the day with them. At about 4:00 I got a call from my daughter asking if she and my son could stay with mom that night.
Imagine, Ex gave her cell phone to my seven year old so that D7 could ask not to stay with me!!!
WTF?
I told D7 that daddy wants to see her and she said okay. I went about an hour later to fetch the kids. Ex did not even talk to me. She did not look angry, just very depressed. I have not seen her in a while and she looked bad. Depressed, sad, overweight.
I did not mention the cell phone call. I will let it pass this one time.
No, I really don't believe that there is or was another man. Ex is totally wrapped up with the kids and she really thought a divorce meant I would just disappear or something. The kids are her whole life.
But I will not stop being a good dad. If she wanted the kids every day she should have stayed and worked on the marriage, not quit. Now her reality is that she is alone and even more so when the kids are with me.
And a good dad is there for his kids. Plus, I can raise the kids as I see fit when they're with me - no competition or standing back with the wife/mom breathing down my neck. Just me as I want to be with them.
And that rocks.
I gave her the divorce; it is what she wanted after all. She should be happy. So very happy.
Instead she is in lah, lah land acting the brat as Jen said.
Progress on the house is at a standstill. I did get the washer/dryer in but then I said screw it. Easier to sit around and feel sorry for myself. Too easy to blame myself and see depression and booze as my crutches and excuses for not moving forward.
The advice above from ISLH is spot on:
Quote:
Now pick yourself up, dream of how you want your house to look like and putting one foot in front of the other, fulfil your dream. Visualize your kids running in the yard, throwing a football, riding a bike, laying on a blanket at night looking at the stars. You can have it all but you have to dream it first.
That's the ticket. Thanks.
I may stay in this forum for my next thread. I thought I was done but I will not be done until I take care of me. Those feelings are still there. I am not ready for "surviving" yet. I thought I had let go but I have not.
Too easy to blame myself and see depression and booze as my crutches and excuses for not moving forward.
Hope the booze isn't feeding the depression and blame.
You know we all have to be our own best friend. Friends don't put down friends or do things to hurt their friends, do they.
If you have done everything you can do, then what is there to beat yourself up for?
Hold your head up high, you are a honorable man. Where many others would have given up you have stood for what you believed in.
Things that happened in the past are gone, done, it's what you do right now that matters. Your thoughts and actions make your future so really it's all up to you.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
In the funk lately but slowly, slowly coming out of it. I do feel better but the anger and fear of the future are still there.
Divorce is very hard to take.
I have stopped work on the house. After the washer/dryer was in I lost interest.
Pig-pen city here. Uckk.
I do feel differently than I did but nothing has changed really. I am more aware now and I know what needs to be improved but I just am not morphing into that new, wonderful man. I really doubt I will ever change really.
I have read the books. But putting it into practice? Well..............
I hold back when it comes to women. I tell myself I am not ready but I wonder if that is just fear talking. No need to wonder - I know the answer. So do not want to be hurt again, to the point I look down on women in general. Even today, one tried to talk to me in the elevator, smiled and all - I just wanted to escape.
Notice my words: "one tried...". Sounds like I was describing something not human.
Maybe that is why work on the house has stopped. Can't romance anyone here since the place is such a mess.
Yea, makes no sense.
Don't scold me.
June is my time with the kids. Ex cannot stand it, her whole life is the kids. She called a few days ago wanting to bring something over that was unnecessary. Just to see them. I said no (nicely). Today she emailed and wanted to take the kids to a ballgame tonight; her friend's kids were playing (those kids and mine are friends). Guilt trip. I said no. I wonder if my inner little boy said no or I said it b/c she takes and takes and runs these guilt trips on me (kids would have wanted to go) and offers nothing in return.
Nothing.
She so misses the kids but cannot understand that I do too. Just as much. The kids deserve a father too so I plan not to give up time with them. She never does even though she gets 60% time with them.
Ex needs to get laid.
So do I.
Should have listened when others talked about equal placement for the kids. Should have listened.
But kids and I had fun this evening: we ate some great pasta and watched NCIS.
That rocks.
Vacation this month - kids want to go back to Tenn. They really like it there and there is so much for kids to do. I could try something new like Disney or Six Flags but those places are far and more demanding (cost, crowds, etc). Something new sounds good but so does the known. May consider renting a cabin in Tenn this year to be somewhat different. I will decide next week.
Hope you all are doing well.
We just saw the Indiana Jones movie. Good and not so, but overall worth the ticket. At the end one character says: we waste so much of our lives waiting.
