Yes it is the core of the approach as I understand it! When a person is confused they usually steer clear of the tough road! That person can't handle it, sounds like she wants to date others to see if she has a "the connection" she is missing.
Doesn't matter what others think, what matters is what she thinks, I would say her missing "connection" is she has forgotten how to be happy with herself and not have every day be a fairy tale happiness.
I am sure you will keep yourself open for as long as you can, I have a lot of pity and sympthay for folks that loose their way. It happened to me so I understand how it can and what it feels like. Sad thing is one just doesn't know what it feels like and the conflict that is constantly going on in the brain during this period. Sad really! Then the guilt for being so selfish, oh I won't ever go that way again! It is horrible!!!!
I have to say IMO being the LBS is less painful than being the one that faces what they threw away!!!! Trust me both are not fun, but the regret will eat you alive!!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I have to say IMO being the LBS is less painful than being the one that faces what they threw away!!!! Trust me both are not fun, but the regret will eat you alive!!
Hi, thanks for the update. My turn to chime in. I am dealing with a similar situation. It seems like you are doing well at communicating with your W. Sure, what you are getting from her is a bummer, to put it very lightly, but the open communication is key. I only read your most recent thread so forgive me for not knowing it all. I think her confusion is great. You are half way there. If we are to believe in DBing, (it has not yet yielded complete results for me) then yes, set her free. No pressure. You are good with this time apart, even if you are not. One other source that I have found says, love her back to you. I would like to address your bullet points: No dates. That must seem like the wrong move but give her time. I am in the same boat, however, when a family reunion came along she changed her mind that day and came along. When xmas came along, she changed her mind that day as well. So, try not to throw your hands in the air and try to predict where she will be in June. Just be cool, or at least look like it. Dating others. Oh boy. Your DB friends won't like that. Other save-your-marriage approaches suggest dating others second only to acting happy. One web book guarantees you will get her back if you date someone else. I am choosing the DB method for now. Sure, I haven't "been" with a woman for six months and am freaking out, but, I want her to come back because I am the right choice, not because she felt threatened. Now you already have had some action and she didn't like it but she didn't come back either. I'm waiting. I'll let other DBers back me up on this. I think they will. Her saying she wants to date is awful, but I would go with the concept that she is not going to do better than you and one day she will realize that. That is awful, but you might have to wait. Work on yourself, for yourself and she might wake up. I'm not sure I was helpful on this one. Remember, I am in your boat, so my ideas are not proven. Limit interactions with her family. Yea, my W's family adores me, but they are hers. I'm hoping they will put in a good word for me whenever they can. Maybe let them know you are backing off of them for her sake and they will work for you. Teaming up with them is bad. Let them go for now. They will always be there for you whatever happens. These are just my observations. You seem like Mr Right to me. Try your best to hold on, chin up. Be with the kids when you can.
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
I forgot that your W is in on all of this. If you would like me to edit any of that let me know. Strange that she is here.
Hi, W of hopeforthefuture. I hope that you can find yourself sooner than later. Create a better M and stop the damage to your family. I probably shouldn't have said that, but it is much easier to be mad at you than my own W. That is probably what I would say to my own W if I didn't feel like it would be destructive. Oops, I don't want to be destructive to you guys either.
And if my W is reading this, hi sweets.
Me 41 W 39 d7, s4 M 13 Bomb ILYBNILWY November 28th, 2007
These are just my observations. You seem like Mr Right to me. Try your best to hold on, chin up. Be with the kids when you can.
The observations seem pretty reasonable to me. I was thinking along the same lines.
We switch the kids each week, so I do get to seem them and we stay quite active. Karate, baseball, scouts, homework. Doesn't seem to be much time for anything else during the week.
This weekend should be good with the kids. Planning on going to see a movie (Prince Caspian) on Saturday and I'm going to try to get together with a former colleague that has some horses. My daughter will love that.
Just wanted both of you to know I am thinking about ya both. My Retro is in 40 days. I feel like I have a little of both of ya in me. I understand what Hff is saying about looking / working in each other to find what is missing. But I also understand Mom of 2 Cherubs not being able to put your finger on it. This is where I feel I am at. I thought I was happy a year ago. Then the affair happened and turned my world upside down. Like HFF I felt like why couldn't W look for what is missing with me? Why if she wanted to meet someone in a hotel and play dress up to liven up her sex life why didn't she look to me for that? But as time has gone by I went from hurt and despair to. There has to be something better than this. I can not work alone in this. I know I have tried. I am tired of trying. At first I wanted to go to metro to see is it would help my Wife. But now I need to for ME. I am to the point that I think I want out. Anyway I hope you find what you were looking for is back where you started on this crazy trip Mom of 2 Cherubs. we started e-mailing each other but you stopped. Hope ya still have my e-mail. I have yours but I figured if you have not replied no don’t want to talk anymore.. Just like me. I too am looking. Hopefully Retro will help me see where I need to be... Take care both of you...
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Hey Husband, Thanks for the post. Good to hear from you and I'm happy that you will be going to Retro.
I'm not sure if Mo2C will get the message. I don't think she's really looking at the boards anymore. I think she has made up her mind which direction she wants to go and this doesn't provide any support for that decision.
Should be a good week. I have tickets for me and the kids to a minor league baseball game for tomorrow night. Hoping the weather stays nice and we don't get rain.
Sorry to hear Mom is continuing to move away from her own family. It is a curse, not a blessing, when people get what they wish for. I think in this case she will end up very sorry for her choice later. But it may be too late for her to fix all the damage she has caused.
It is a path that she needs to pursue because she will always wonder "what if".
I do wonder though if someday she will find herself very alone and wondering "what if I walked away from all the best things in my life?"
Life is a gamble isn't it? No, wait, I don't really believe that. I truly believe that life is what you make of it. I know the grass isn't greener. I know that if you have problems in a marriage, you will probably carry those same problems along with you to the next relationship.
Maybe she'll get lucky and find herself with the true love that she is looking for. Or maybe she'll realize that she had that true love fourteen years ago and just didn't hang onto it.
Yes, that is the real what if. What if I hadn't veered off the path and gotten lost in the woods. What if....I had been there to raise my kids together with my husband.....what if I had a love that stuck with me through sickness and health and good times and bad, not just someone to party with.
