Start of the long and bumpy road........

[Diehard]

Twindad, you've got a lot of positives going on keeep it up!

[TwinDad]

Diehard,

Thanks!

The last coupe of days have been pretty decent. I went out with my W and her friends Monday night and had a good time. Tuesday morning she talked about going on a vacation soon to get away and celabrate our 11 anniversary. Normally we have gone on a trip, this year we didn't though probably should have. She pulled back a little bit last night, but instead of pursuiting I just back off again and changed the subject. I remain cautiously optimistic

[JCJ]

Hi TwinDad

I just wanted to ask you a few questions if you don't mind. I think we sound pretty similar in that we are both the givers/ supporters/ fixers in our respective relationships.

How did you balance supporting her and keeping your distance, if you did both?

Did your wife say that she didn't want your support anymore and if so, what steps did you take then?

Hope you don't mind answering, if you do don't worry! I just feel like even though my h has said he can't carry on he is still looking for me to fix things. On the one hand I am loath to but on the other it could be his way of reaching out - or I could be delusional :-) that is always a possibility!

Julia

[TwinDad]

Julia,

I don't mind. When we spearated we just sold our house and we were moving into two separate places, both of which were significantly smaller than the first. I offered to help her move in but she declined saying I was just trying to work my way back in the house. I said no problem.

I don't think I need to tell anyone that unpacking and downsizing in house size with the "help" of a pair of two year olds is an interesting adventure.

Basically, I would ask her how th emoving was going and just listen and watch. I would give her enough space where she would have trouble treading water but I wouldn't let her drown. When I would see that she was having difficulty, then I would lend a hand. Sometimes I would ask "what can I do if I was over there" sometimes I would just do it. I also never did too much where she felt like I was taking over but always did enough that it was noticed. I always tried to respect her boudaries and that this was her house (i.e. I didn't try to redecorate or alter the appearance of things, just pick things up). At the end of the day if she asked me to go back to my place I did cheerfully. At one point she asked me if I was going back to my place or staying there....I stayed there.

There were a few times where she said she didn't want my help at which point I tried to figure out what she was really wanting or needing without invading her space. One time I went to empty the dishwasher (which had been that way for a couple of days) and she said she could do that. I responded , I know, but you are in the middle of something right now and I am over here so I might as well do something and help out.

There were a couple of times where she was off at a social event and I was at her house taking care of our kids (it was her week with them) that I really kicked butt and made a very noticeable difference.

Basically I think you just need to do what is in your heart and watch the results. If your H is getting irate at your help then stop. If he doesn't say anything or seems happy then continue while respecting his boundaries.

I just decided to be her best friend (after reading one of the posts here). It does require you to hold in a little of your pride...afterall you are helping out the person that has "told" you that he doesn't want you to be part of his life. I just chalk that up to not belieiving anythiing you hear and only half of what you see. Don't expect any praise or thankyous though in time you may start to see some differences in his body language demeanor, his desire to have contact with you. Just do it out of love. AT the end of the day you may not get the result you want, but at least you know you did things from your heart.

This just seems to work in my case. There are many that have benefited from going completely dark and letting their spouses drown in their own space until they decide they want them back. In my case, I feel this would have been a mistake because my W is very determined and this would have just made her say "see...he doesn't love me afterall, I made the right decision". Sometimes she would rather be right than happy.

Hope this rambling helps

[JCJ]

Hiya,

This is SO helpful thank you. I hope that I get the opportunity to use some of this stuff. I just feel like when we were seeing each other regularly I seemed to keep pushing things too far and he would always back off. It is really good to hear what you did, thank you.

This week has been so hard for me, trying to work out what to do for the best is exhausting and at the same time going dark and not doing anything is just as exhausting.

I hope that things are still looking fairly positive at the moment and that you have a good weekend.

[TwinDad]

Thanks Julia,

It is all very exhausting. Just pay attention to any signs he shows. You know him better than anyone. If he seems to be getting crowded then back off else continue. Also expect to get different reactions for similar "things" from one day to the next....i.e. don't assuem since it was ok yesterday that it will be ok today

Things are still looking good...she is booking us a trip for Fathers Day sometime today...which should be a nice get away

Hope you have a great weekend!

[ms ladybug]

TwinDad,
Thanks for relplying on my threads. I always appreciate any advice. I think I really GOT the advice you gave about, "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" That made a lot of sense to me.

I know I haven't relpied on your threads, but I have been following you since you got here. You really are doing fantastic.

[Neilh23]

twindad-
It seems that we have similar circumstances...if you could offer any advice, that would be great... please check out my thread..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1467735&page=4#Post1467735

my problem is that i thought i was giving her the space, but in her eyes i wasn't. not entirely sure what that means. She's called me for a couple of favors since we separated, but not really sure why....she moved out yesterday (i'm already in my apartment). If you read the whole thread, you'll see...

any thoughts would be great!

[TwinDad]

Well a good week and weekend for me! I have spent every night with my W since Wednesday. Saturday was my daughters dance recital and it went well. After that we went to lunch with my MIL and SIL and our neice. My W and MIL had an interesting exchange at lunch. My W was talking about startig a new business and the conversation went something like this

W - Momma we have saved a lot of money by moving here
MIL - I don't see how, you are not savin any money by maintaing two households
W - Well that is not going to be that way much longer

I wanted to jump up and down but just kept my cool. So Saturday evening, I asked her what she wanted to do about the kids arrangement for next week (we had been swapping them every week) and then said do you want me to just stay here. She said don't you think you should. We also had some friends over Sat night and she talked to them about buying some of the furniture in my place.

So yesterday I just moved a few things back in "our" house (just a nice TV for our room and and my kids "Cars" and "princess" bedding sets). I didn't want to move too much and have her pull back. She did seem to pull back alittle bit Sunday evening but it was very minor and I paid it no attention, just went about my business.

I guess the next step will be when she asks me to give up the house I am renting.......slow and steady


Of course this could be just be some giant ploy to get me to be homeless without any furniture.....just kidding (errr....I hope)

[ms ladybug]

Wow! Great comment to the MIL. I don't know how you didn't jump up and down. Stay cool as a cucumber...She testing the waters, making sure this is what she wants before asking you to move back home.
Happy for you!!

You're 2 yr old dances??