I was being facetious. Of course no one would wait til old age and then get back with the XW. That was my point. The old people, I assume, have been together for most of their lives. And like a gnarly old oak, there is beauty from the weathering of the trials that they have been through together. But the truth is few young married people today will ever be the old couple sitting together on the bench. They will have run off and be sitting with new partners. Of course, when they are old, and if they sit next to each other, will we know the newly marrieds from the old marrieds?
Sara,
I hope you did not think my comments were directed at you. They were not. I have read here several exWs have said that. To me, it is insanity.
I have no idea how one can tell the newly marrieds from the old marrieds. The only thing I know is as long as Wifey and I are alive, we will be heading toward that old couple-hood on the bench. At 80, we will be married for 40 years..... Not too bad....
Take Care,
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 05/21/0802:48 AM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Let me just MO2C and my wife should write a book. They should title it "Why I am not the bad guy".
I believe we all must do what we must do, I think it is clear to me that she needs not wants, needs to be on her own. She needs to find her herself, her love, her passion, and her mission.
I pity your wife, it is very unfortunate. I am sorry for you and your children. I think the best thing in the world for all would be if she wanted to come home! In truth the MOM would benefit the most if this were the case, but alas for now it is not to be!
I am not surprised given the nature of the sitch that she deceived you, she has not forgiven herself, does not want you to forgive her. She reinforced this by this false pretense! I don't know what else to say except maybe this is why Michelle said to not share!
I have seen this twice, on the board once last year, can't remember the couples names, but kind of the same thing. We watched the posted debate, between I want to say dancing something she was the WAW. Anyway, logic does not apply here, the WAW only works on feelings, not logic! Funny thing is your feelings come from your thoughts.
If you change your perspective and thoughts (which one can do). You will change your feelings, Hang in there brother! Life has a funny way of balancing out in the end!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I've known people who find it exciting to have sex in public. I've never before known anyone who enjoyed telling her husband she is leaving him in public. This is a first for me, maybe not the website.
Hey Sara, Just wanted to let you know that I still have my sense of humor. This post had me laughing out loud.
After dropping this bomb online, she couldn't even come over last night to talk in person. I guess she had something more important to do...
I am really sorry for you and the two children. Perhaps this is all about OM, and when she feels you are finally removed enough from her life she will make him visible again. At least it would explain things.
However, from what she has said, I don't get the sense that she is running off to find her great happiness as Dancer15 portrayed her new perfect lover. She had been married, and fell in love with current husband. Then married him, saw his feet of clay, and was on to the next one. That seemed different to me. She certainly held herself in high esteem thinking she always deserved 2 men, and the husband always had to meet all her "needs" or it was the ax, like Henry the XIII. She didn't pussyfoot around worrying about what everybody else thought. She was clear -- "he doesn't meet my need for constant adulation, I am moving on."
But I don't hear that here. Your wife's emptiness seems to be within herself. She might be able to mask it at times with new love and sex. But as the high fades into the realities of everyday life, this empty feeling will keep returning. She reminds me of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, who is dissatisfied by the mundaneness of her little life, and goes off to see the Wizard, only to find that her true wish is to go home again. I think if your wife wants to find that strong connection with another human being, she needs to come home and work on finding that connection with you. Michele has a couples workshop in Colorado that SallyM was saying one couple raved about. You had a temporary connection through Retrouvaille. I think you need to work deeper. I think you need more than a weekend of focus. And if you do try another workshop, I hope you will continue whatever exercises they teach. I do believe that dropping dialoguing did not help you. The letters you two are writing each other do not fit the form.
But I don't hear that here. Your wife's emptiness seems to be within herself. She might be able to mask it at times with new love and sex. But as the high fades into the realities of everyday life, this empty feeling will keep returning. She reminds me of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, who is dissatisfied by the mundaneness of her little life, and goes off to see the Wizard, only to find that her true wish is to go home again.
I like the Dorothy comparison. Seems pretty close. I got an email from Mo2C this morning and there was a section in there that was close to what you just described. On one had, she thinks there is something "right" or "better" out there that she may miss out on. On the other hand she is afraid to let go. She is afraid to lose everything that we have. Will she someday be clicking her heels together saying "there's no place like home", only to find out it is too late?
Quote:
You had a temporary connection through Retrouvaille. I think you need to work deeper. I think you need more than a weekend of focus. And if you do try another workshop, I hope you will continue whatever exercises they teach. I do believe that dropping dialoguing did not help you. The letters you two are writing each other do not fit the form.
Yes, yes, yes and yes.
Maybe I should start using the dialoguing form on here.
It would be a useful exercise for everyone if you both used the dialogue form on here. There are a lot of people who are curious about it. Of course, dialoguing also requires the face to face contact after reading to discuss and question. I think the mental discipline of the dialogue format would be very helpful to both of you. Can't you get together and do that at least 2x a week? I thought you were supposed to be working on your marriage.
On one had, she thinks there is something "right" or "better" out there that she may miss out on. On the other hand she is afraid to let go. She is afraid to lose everything that we have. Will she someday be clicking her heels together saying "there's no place like home", only to find out it is too late?
HFF,
There is ALWAYS something "better" out there. No sense in even pondering it. It is simply the truth. However, the HUGE problem is you need to keep jumping from person to person from R to R to keep "finding" something "better." There is never any commitment. All of these Rs/Ms are temporary.
I see it as you love this person and want to be with them or not. It is not some auction where you wait for the highest bidder.
Were there better women out there than my exW? YES! Were there prettier women out there? Heck, YES! Were there woman with more $$$$$$$$$$$$$$? Yes. Did any of this matter to ME? Heck, no.... I was foolish enough to love her with every cell of my body..... I just wanted to be with her...
Does that mean when you think you find someone "better" you can leave your R/M? Is she willing to be up front and honest and tell others this so they can keep an eye out for something "better" than her?
If one wants to keep jumping from R to R or M to M, there is always something "better." The choice one really has to make is are you going to stick to your commitments or not?
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Makes sense to me. We've had this discussion before. I'd be very naive to think that Mo2C is the only 'right' woman out there for me and the reverse is also true. I'm not the most handsome, talented, rich, etc, etc.
She'll say it is not that though. She is not looking for something better. She is missing that 'connection' with me. There is 'something' missing in her feelings for me. To which I counter that the 'something' can be worked on. It can be found again. Honestly, we've been together for 13 yrs and I think it has been pretty good overall. I don't see how we could have gotten this far if there is and never was some connection.
We go round in circles on this. Is it really something that can be fostered and nurtured or does it just need to be there?
That's a rhetorical question.
So she is going to be coming over in a little while to talk. Don't know quite what to expect.
It's over - we're done. I'm comfortable with how things are and want to keep it that way. I'm comfortable with how things are, but would like to start working on us again I hate the current situation and want to come back
Mo2C came by last night around 8. Got the kids ready for be and then the 'talk'.
If you've been reading the posts, you've seen her earlier post which sounded like she had made up her mind and wanted to just get if over with. What you didn't see was an email from her the next day to me that was a complete 180 from that. She has been lonely by herself and missing many of the things that we shared.
So I was quite unsure what the direction would be going into the talk. Unfortunately the end result was somewhere between #1 and #2. Yes, she's confused. Yes, she's missing things. Not so much the material things but the comforts? She still doesn't know if it is me that she is missing or something else. Of course it's only been a month, so...
On the other hand, she is enjoying her independance and doesn't want to come back; so things won't be changing anytime soon. We more clearly defined what the expectations are...
No dates with each other. This includes my reunion that's coming up in June which she was going to go to.
We can date others.
I need to limit my interactions with her family since she needs them to support her.
Personally, I don't see it working unless we are actively trying to fix things. But that's just me. Maybe the 'if you love someone, set them free' can work. After all, isn't this approach at the core of what Michelle preaches?
