Jackie..sounds like things are good....keep expectations small on losing weight..a pound at a time. I have been doing alot of "need or want"...works shopping too!!.Do I really need the ice cream..some days I do and I have a smaller portion..to deny completly will only make you want it more.
Your h sounds like he wants to work on your m..that is great..but don't forget to keep all the changes you have made going...I think m and especially piecing a m back, is like maintaining your weight..you have to keep the healthy eating up or you will slip back to the bad food..keep up all the positive things you've learned, so as not to slip back to the bad habits..
Thanks all, for keeping me on the straight and narrow. Lee, there is so much patience needed here, you are right. I just want to plow through this process, but most likely it is the process that will make the M stronger, and me too.
DoRight--I've been thinking about the whole incident, and it really was small, but how my reaction provides what the next step in this scenario will be. I set the tone to this after the initial outburst.
KAW--yes, one statement/reaction can change the whole dynamic. I know have come up with a much better reaction to the whole thing, two days later, but hopefully can put my knowledge to use at the next misunderstanding.
DB--You called me on the feeling sorry for myself, and you were right. And that was the pre-bomb me, working to change that. No one wants to be around a woe is me type of person.
Steve, I agree, the apology spoke huge amounts that his words don't always convey. Actions!
Joyboy--always good to see you, it was about his dissapointment in me not taking the time to do things right. Which is true, I don't feel like taking 10 minutes to roll up a stupid hose when I'm going to just be using it again, but since it is important to him.....
Rob, you are right on the nose, this piecing is in some ways harder than the intital steps. When H would be gone on a business trips it would be easier some weeks as I wouldn't be analyzing every small exchange between us.
Sue, I love the weight analogy. I must not fall back into the unhealthy habits of the M before, and same with eating. I just need to grow up and eat like a grown up.
I got on LL's bandwagon and listed three things that were good yesterday and it kept me going all day, even when I called H and he didn't seem to keen on talking (could have been work issue--isn't all about me, was just calling to tell him I kicked a hole in the wall at karate )
Good things.
1. He apologized 2. He called me at home just to see how I was doing. 3. He responded to an email with a playful nickname I've been using.
Hi Jackie ~ Hope your day is good today. Just a few thoughts after catching up w/you.....
Quoting KAW:
Quote: All it takes is one point in the dynamic to change the total outcome. Before reacting to what he did, take a moment to think what can I do to draw us closer right now? It's a matter of asking that first to find what works rather than getting caught up in the old patterns.
This is incredible. Very well said, KAW. Thank you! You have very concisely stated what is one of the keys, here in most of our sitch's, IMHO. It is so hard to put a wrench in to stop things once they get going, but each time it happens we'll be more aware of the pattern starting, and it sounds like you're already thinking and planning for next time.
I agree with Steve that your H asking that you not fall into the old pattern is a positive. Definitely.
The three things idea is a great one too. Sounds like you are moving through piecing well. Keep up your patience and strength - you are a great example ~ You kicked a hole in the wall? Way to go!
p.s. - what's a Yeungling?
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Hi Will, no, just me and the kids going. H doesn't know of my involvement with this BB, or the extent of it, so need to figure out how to handle that. I don't want to lie to him, so have to work out what to do about it.
M, that is so true, we have to stop the cycles as they spin out of control.
The hole in the wall would be much more impressive if it was something with power to it, instead it was my attempt at a side fall (almost a forward roll, but off your shoulder), that went awry and my pudgy legs flailing into the wall, and hence my heel causing a hole in the very flimsy drywall (okay, probably normal drywall). Yuengling is a type of beer made in Pottsville, PA (America's oldest brewery).
IMHO you should be so proud for starting karate! That's a big deal, Jackie! Hang in there! Never crossed my mind that Yeungling might be a beer ~
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
I drive the ever so sexy and hot mini van! Though H has promised me a mini for my 40th birthday, just need to test drive one and make sure the kids can fit in the back seat.
Pet names are to be mysterious and I'm much to shy to post them on the BB!
Staying with the good things:
1. H has begun to call to just check in everyday and say hi. I'm finding this much better than if I call him at work. This way he picks a time good for him and sometimes I call him, it could be bad time at work, and I'll read too much into a grumpy mood and think something is wrong and thoughts go spiraling out of control.
2. We leave tomorrow for our 5 day mystery vacation to LA that H planned all on his own and is using all his frequent flier miles for the family.
3. I took the evening karate class with the big boys (usually go in the day when it is mostly moms), and for the most part, held my own. Though I did feel like I was going to puke at various times due to heat/exhausation, but I didn't and glad I did the class.
My current dilemma is I would like to go to the Ohio camping get together. H will be out of town. However, H knows nothing of my involvement in this BB. I want to go, but I don't want to lie about where I will be (he'll be in Europe). How do I bring up for the last 8 months I've been making friends with complete strangers who have helped me through the most difficult time in my life, while H turned his back on me? I honestly don't know how he would react: Anger at my revealing our lives on the internet? Defensiveness? Superiority, looking down at me because I needed this help? These are my best guesses. I can avoid the situation and not go, but I would really like to.
DB, Risk unhappiness to achieve happiness--something like that?
Jackie - I would hold off on the camping trip. My H found out about the board relatively early - I had insomnia one night and was up posting and he found me at it. Explained to him that it was this really supportive community of people trying to save their marriages. H was really suspicious that I might be having an internet affair. Anyway, he couldn't resist sneaking onto the board and reading all of my posts. And even though there was nothing bad, some things were taken the wrong way. He's okay with it now, but I'm just saying it can be touchy, and if the first introduction to it was you telling him you were going off on a trip with people you met on the internet (H calls them my "imaginary friends"! ) - well, that might not be good.
)
Way to go!