Sweetie, I am so sorry about this new turn of events. But, I hopt it's part of a new chapter in life - healthier in every way.
I'm glad your mother is there. And, you're NOT a charity case - your mother would come to be with you for this no matter where you were. That's family - you're never alone with them in your life.
You told H because it was what you needed to do - don't regret it. If anything, it gives you ANOTHER opportunity to see for yourself how self-absorbed he is. Don't let it make you feel badly, let it make you realize, again, how he just isn't the man you need in your life.
I know it's natural to feel that maybe he's suddenly this wonderful person for someone else - the man you wanted him to become. There are a few points with this.....
First, simply "popping out of the MLC tunnel" doesn't mean he's what you've been expecting. You've changed, too. You need more in terms of compatibility, especially after a rough time. So, he may be out, but without a lot of work, he's still not what you wanted, or expected, or what you need.
Second....I'll admit that (thankfully) I have never been through such a hellish life crisis where I destroyed everything and hurt so many so deeply. I hope I never do. So, I don't know what it feels like to come out of that. But, I can make a basic, and probably accurate, guess that "popping out of the tunnel" requires a LOT of soul-searching, analysis of causal factors, therapy, prayer, and honesty. A real life turn, a real coming to reality and facing everything. Really staying on track to what really happened, and making amends of some sort - even if it doesn't involve reconciliation.
In short, it doesn't involve a handful of emails, and then an attempt to sweep everything under the rug as you lie to a new person to "move forward." When you meet people who went through something like this, they are open about the transformation in their lives, it's a part of them.
If not, it just keeps coming back. It's bound to...how can it not?
Hope, I am just catching up so sorry if I am quoting something from a few days ago.
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It's kind of scary; I've never had surgery like this before. My mom is going to come stay a night or two at my apt. with me so I'm not alone. I feel like a charity case. I have no one to help me when I am sick.
My parent's were also the ones who helped me out when I had surgery so I know how you feel when you say you feel like a charity case. BUT they help us out because they want to and love us and want to be there for us. Just take it and embrace it. I hope your surgery goes well.
Also, I agree with Lissie, he doesn't want to be responsible for your feelings. They don't even like to be responsible for their own!
Hi Hope,as a mum of 3(grown ups) your statement that "My mom is going to come stay a night or two at my apt. with me so I'm not alone. I feel like a charity case." made me feel really sad. I am sure your mum like me likes nothing better than to feel needed and useful. Now my children have gone and I am alone I so need to feel useful and needed. Not that I wish them any accidents were they need me to go, it gives me great pleasure to be asked to help out when I visit-usually its the mountain of ironing or just cleaning through. So enjoy your mum coming to help cos I bet she will love helping you out. I hope the op goes well.
Thanks to all. Naej, your message made me realize I should just let Mom take care of me (I'm going to need her to!) and not feel like I'm putting her or anyone out. I have always been very independent and can do a lot by myself. Not this time, but thankfully I am not 5 hours away from family and trying to get through this alone, or with crazy H around. It's going to be a couple more weeks before I have it done. I just hope it goes well with no complications. I sure don't need any more complications (lol).
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
prayers for your surgery love, and milk mom's love for all it's worth! anytime I have my mom over from my country I have her cook my fav meals and it's so nice to have someone worried that I'll catch a cold without my coat, lol
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Sorry your H is so lost, but it is not because you steered him the wrong way. He just chose to sit in the driver's seat backwards. Sometimes they just do. It makes the road ahead less scary since he only sees where he's been, not where he's going. His poor new GF. She has a golden opportunity right now to see him how he has become, too unwilling to mend his fences. Yet she has put blinders on and prefers to believe she won't be the next victim. He is who he is. He did not get that way overnight.
This is something that grew in him for years and found its way out. He won't know how to put the genie back in the bottle. When he slips and does her wrong, he likely find himself to be a creature of habit as he slinks away once again, tail between his legs. I hope that in time you will determine it is best he not be relieving himself on your rug any longer.
Look at your mom coming to help as the blessing that it is, you have a loving supportive family, no matter how far away they are. Think how many no longer have that. Let your mom show you her love the best way she can, by being there. She wouldn't have it any other way. When the roles are reversed, you will surely choose to return the favor.
Just wanted to send a post out to thank everyone for the well-wishes. My surgery was a few days ago and things went pretty well. I should be just fine; I'm recuperating at home now. I'll admit I was quite nervous but I had my family with me, so that helped a great deal.
H has been concerned about all of this and in the past couple of weeks, he has been calling me daily; first, leading up to the surgery and now after to check on me. He will call or text a few times during the day, to see how I'm feeling. The day after I was operated on, he sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers to my home with a nice card (which he forgot to sign) saying he was thinking about me and was glad everything worked out ok. Later when he called to see if I had gotten them he asked if he'd signed the card and I told him he had not, and at first I wasn't sure who they were from. He made a joking comment about some other lucky guy getting all the credit for his nice gesture; I don't think it ever occured to him I might not know who could have sent me flowers.
He talks of work and a hectic schedule; I don't see him ever changing that or slowing himself down. I sit back and I hear/see someone who's struggling to figure out how to live his life on his own; even the most mundane, routine things cause him disorganization.
If he is still seeing that new gf, I don't know about it. But he's been calling so often and asking about my family, etc. that I tend to think that might be over. It doesn't make a difference though, as he's still not coming to me asking to make a solid effort. So, I am receptive to his calls and texts and I respond in kind, but I don't read into any of this as it is just his guilt reaching out again; his regret speaking.
I can't wait to feel entirely better. My b-day is next week; so hard to believe I was only 36 when I first started posting here! Thanks again for the kind thoughts. Hugs to all.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
