Quoting Soupman: You're right. We are social creatues and it does make us feel could when we look for acknowledgement. And yes, we're programmed (by historical habit) from birth to behave this way. But what has it gotten us. Most people in this world seek happiness from external sources never to find it.
Perhaps, Soup. But without getting too philosophical, is life a destination? You ask where it’s gotten us. I think you’ve kinda answered your own question (albeit with another question)
Quoting Soupman: Giving and taking. How can we learn to love with no one to love? How can we practise giving with no one to give to, or patience with no one to irritate us?
I know I’m not really answering your question, but how do we learn to accept love with no one to give it to us? Or accept gifts with no one to give it to us? Or grace with no one to forgive us?
My W has, at one time or another taught me all of these things.
And how do we experience our uniqueness without it being reflected back at us by someone who knows us intimately?
It may be true that we’re “programmed” to certain feelings. The debate still rages amongst behavioralists and geneticists. I really don’t much care how I got the way I am. To be honest, I believe there’s a bit of both.
I loved being loved and loving in return. It lasted for over 20 years, and that symbiosis may be coming to an end. I have to accept that, but it takes time to get over, and I don’t think I’ll ever embrace it.
‘Course, I’ve been wrong before.
Don’t worry about hijacking my thread, KAW. I’m not using it much anyway
Hi..Andy..hope you are hanging in there and finding some kind of peace in your life. How is your daughter doing? I have included you in my long list of prayers...good things come to those who wait..and wait!!!!
My daughter seems to be doing OK. She still sleeps on the couch. I'm not quite sure why, but it's definately a sign that everything isn't OK yet. On the other hand, I haven't seen her acting glum in quite awhile, so there are positive signs too.
As for me personally, I'm just hangin' in. I don't have my underwear all in a knot about things. At least not most of the time.
Maybe I'd characterize it as a sad kind of peace.
Guess I'm still working on accepting my fate. I can't just wait..and wait. No use in pining my life away. But I can't bring myself to move on either.
There's "what you want", there's "what should be", there's "what was" and there's "what is."
They aren't always the same thing. Maybe I've lived a charmed life, and want "what was" back. I know that's unrealistic but I still have a hard time reconciling these things.
But without getting too philosophical, is life a destination? You ask where it’s gotten us. I think you’ve kinda answered your own question (albeit with another question)
Well, since I believe that our mind is reincarnated after life... I also have learned that happiness is a state of mind that we can control. I also believe that our happiness does not come from external sources.
I know I’m not really answering your question, but how do we learn to accept love with no one to give it to us? Or accept gifts with no one to give it to us? Or grace with no one to forgive us?
What is love Andy? Not sure I understand what your point is to the above. Help me out here?
I loved being loved and loving in return.
Again, how does one tell if they are being loved? Is it the same as a mother or father loving a child? How does one recognize love?
Woah, Soup. You’re getting way over my head here. To me, it’s not something that can be described with words.
Is there only one kind of love? Mother, father, wife, friend, … all the same?
Not to my mind. Like I said, I can’t analyze it, take it apart, dissect it, parse it. But it’s all different. Maybe there’s as many kinds of love as there are people in your life. I really don’t know.
How does one recognize love?
You feel it. Call it the warm fuzzy feeling you get when you’re near someone you love and/or who loves you. It’s an intellectual exercise beyond my capabilities to describe.
D#1 won an award as the “Student of the Year” for her graduating class. I was proud. I was happy for her. And as she received the award, I felt a surge of fatherly love.
Doesn’t mean I don’t love her at other times, but sometimes it just floods over you.
I don't there is such a thing as romantic love. If we can't describe it how can label it love?
I think "happiness" is what it's all about. I don't think happiness comes from external sources. It comes from within.
When we experience sufferings from a failed relationship we should generate the wish to escape from that relationship. I'm not suggesting that we leave it in the sense that we might think, but rather leave that R behind in our mind. Rather we should focus on enlightenment since that leads to happiness. And when our spouses see our happiness they will want some of the same.
There are lots of things in this universe that I can’t explain, Soup.
There are probably dozens of them
You’re probably right that we’re talking about happiness. I was never happier than when I was in the arms of my loving W.
Does that mean I can’t be happy when I’m not? Well, you’re right. If I was only happy under those circumstances then I haven’t tapped my internal resources.
In the long term, one of two things will have to happen for me to be happy. Either my W will learn to love me again, or I will have to learn to stop loving her.
In this context, I’m not talking about fraternal love. I’m talking about the intangible “romantic” love.
Hey Andy, I do think about you from time to time, from a lot of time to a lot of time.
Interesting question: what is love? Has a unique answer for each and every one of us, me thinks. IMHO. For me, sometimes it's infatuation, sometimes it's sex, but most of the the time it's probably hindsight.. why didn't I take it when it was offered? or that Romeo/Juliet thing... can't have it. You realize however, this is so anti-DBing. I'll let you go there for a bit, and myself as well, but we are taught here that it's a CHOICE, a decision, and that's when I think the love is fed and grows. It is a living thing. It requires food and water and smiles and fog. My 2 cents.
Also, welcome to limbo land. What you gonna do about it? You can 1)wait, and wait and wait and wait and watch your life go by 2)give up and D 3)whatever, I don't know. The point I'm trying to make here is we do have a choice too. You and I have chosen to wait. So live with it. We won't wait forever, I guarantee you that. So when's the breaking point? Mine is getting pretty close. All I have left is my faith now that I'm ok, I will be ok and that things ALWAYS work out.
In the long term, one of two things will have to happen for me to be happy. Either my W will learn to love me again, or I will have to learn to stop loving her
Wow, that implies you still have delusions of attachment Andy. But they're good goals nontheless my friend.
So, in the context of DBing, what things do you think you need to do to achieve either of the above choices? And what's keeping you from doing them?
