I know what you mean!!! I've had a very hard time this whole weekend staying positive!!!! It's a holiday & I know he is on vacation with OW & does he miss me at all???? After all these years together how can he just forget???
I'm so sorry you are having a bad day also!!!! I layed out in the sun today (we always did that together), I grilled chicken (we always did that together). It's been so hard. I still have my dogs & they have been so good for me but it's really lonely sitting here doing the things we used to do all by myself. I don't have that many friends here & the ones I do have are married & I really don't want to go anywhere. So, I'm with you girl!!!!
Your H filed quickly also. Is your D final yet? Everyone keeps saying that they will feel the guilt & eventully come back. Have you read "yellowrose" she is an inspiration, her H came back & she is being very helpful & lots of good imput on what happened with her sitch.
You hang in there & I'm thinking & praying for you!!!!
My D isn't final yet because we don't have a settlement in place yet. There was a hearing a month ago which ordered him to pay temporary support, and I'm sure that he hates me for that. H also thinks I am dragging my feet just to cling to him.
Does anyone think that I should just give in and hand him his D on a silver platter? Would that keep him from hating me? Or should I just keep stalling? I know H wants to marry OW as soon as possible and he sees me as standing in their way.
I have read some of yellowrose but I can't find the threads now. And I don't think it's quite the same. Her H wasn't running headlong into D, was he?
These posters who are in limbo have a far better chance than those of us who are being rushed into D.
I didn't have a choice either. My H rushed me & expected it to be over by the end of last year. He thought I would just go along with him, he wanted to sell the house & split everything down the middle. H didn't expect me to find out about OW b/c she was in another state he never thought I would discover her.
My H had to keep paying the household expenses but he was staying here too (in guest room) from Sept.2007 until Feb.2nd 2008. Like I said he thought I would be a pushover & wouldn't cause any problems. He also accused me of dragging my feet & got very angry with me & wouldn't even talk to me. One night he even cussed me out & that is so unlike him, I got it on tape & turned it over to my lawyer. I hated to do it but I had to protect myself. H kept threatening me, that if I didn't hurry up & go along with what he wanted that he would get more that 50/50, he would also get one of the dogs (he thought that would get to me) which it did. I called my lawyer in tears, he said there would be no way he would get the dogs. H also said he would fight me to the very last penny, I would not get the house & he would not give me alimony. Well, it didn't go his way. I got both dogs, I got the house, 3 years of alimony & he had to pay both lawyers & the mediator (over 9,000.00). Money was a big issue with him b/c I think he told OW that he had money(he doesn't) but he also thinks she has money. I think she did at one time but she was on vacation for 2 years & has had to go back to work so I don't think she does. Anyway H was very mad!!!! He said I drained him. Our D was final on April 8th. I'm still crushed. He was in a hurry so he could move to another state with OW. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side. I think he will find out it is not & I think he will find out what she really is. I can't remember if I've posted this on this thread of not but after he got his things out of the house the OW emailed me this:
I just want so say thank you.....for the most beautiful, amazing, kind, caring, and loving man I've ever known in my life. I am truly blessed beyond my dreams.
(And of course, for not suing me - that was so generous of you!)
Life goes on...I wish you all of the good stuff...love and happiness and freedom from anything that does not lead you there.
I am happy it is all over and I am sure you are too.
Finally we call all B-R-E-A-T-H-E.!
Take care,
Debbie
I just copied this from the email she sent me! The nerve of that WOMAN!!! I don't believe he would have condoned this & I don't believe he knew she did this until I called & left him a voice mail on his cell phone.
I believe this OW is a profession! She has been married at least 3 times if not more & for anyone to run after a MM, she has done it before & I'm sure she will do it again. She is way out of my H league, he has said that to her before. But she is smooth! I just hope soon he will see what she really is.
You are right, I do thing those have a better chance where their H's have not pushed for a D. Yellowrose never did get a D.
I don't know what to tell you about giving in with the D. I pretty much had no choice, once we went to mediation that was pretty much it unless we had not settled. Then it would have gone to court & cost so much more & taken a lot more time which I don't think he wanted to do.
Have you ever read Charlene Cares? Do a search on the internet for her. Her H left & they divorced but she still stood for her marriage & they are back together. I guess that's what I keep hoping for me. I don't think my H will marry OW b/c I don't think she wants to marry again. He did say in a email to her early on that one day he wanted to call her his wife, but he knew how she felt about that & would not push that issue. So I hope he will see her for her true colors before that happens.
I'm like you, I'm so heart broken I can't stand it! I just keep hoping he will come back & to be married as long as we were it's hard to believe that he has just forgotten me. When he was here he did take some pictures of us together on the beach, so maybe he hasn't let go yet. I sure hope not.
Sorry this was so long, but I wanted you to know what I've been through. It has not been easy & is still the hardest thing I've ever been through. I keep praying & hoping.
Sometimes you have to repeat it - just to get yourself to believe it b/c it seems so unreal. . .
You have to wonder if OW thought she was being a class act with that crazy little thank you note or if she was being mean. Either way - you can see that a big part of what is going on here is the excitement - the rush of hooking up w/ someone new and not seeing all the warts yet. It's really too bad th the divorce laws allow people to move so fast. It shld take longer than 6 mos to dissolve a lifetime commitment and in my state that's all you need - 6 mo separation. When people get married, we think they are moving fast if they only know ea other 6 mos, why shld it take less time to D.
On the issue of not having kids - I was discussing th w/ my C the other day - that at least I wld have a deep commitment to someone else if I had kids. But, she assured me it's dif. I know th parental relationships aren't always loving - it's a human relationship th can go wrong like any other, but I had a brief fantasy th it wld be nice to have a kid around to care for. Someone to depend on me. But th really wldn't take the place of a partner, wh is what I wanted and what I thought I had.
You seem to be doing pretty well under the circumstances. I have to say th I'm not sure I wld have the energy to plant things and to grill. You are going on w/ your life, your way and that's excellent.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
Thank you for responding! I don't know if I'm going on or not. I've done nothing today except cry! I planted things to make the place look really good when he came to get his things. He did make the comment that it looked good. His SIL told me that he expected the place to look bad & the grass would need mowing & all that stuff, but it didn't it looked good.
Most everytime I get out to mow, I cry. When I grilled it was so sad, it was just me & the dogs.
I was my H's 2nd M & he was my first too. He has a son, 21 now & I have the dogs. They have helped me so much but it sure doesn't take the place of a partner. I just miss him so bad & keep thinking that surely he will see what this OW really is. She had a lot of nerve to send me that email, I thought. I'm not sure what she was trying to say, I think both, a class act & just being mean. She also could be territoral & maybe she thinks he still cares & trying to keep me away. I just don't know. It was mean anyway, just like pouring salt into a wound.
OW is a nutjob. No sane person would have thought it appropriate to send that email.
I think she felt oh-so powerful at that moment, but that won't last. The excitement of the struggle is now over and she and your H will be facing the boring reality.
I did better for a while, but I'm back to crying quite a bit, too. Nothing as intense and wrenching as in the beginning, but a hard way to live, nevertheless. Honestly, if my sitch moved to D as fast as yours did, I'd be a wreck. At least you are doing the mowing and grilling, even if you don't feel cheerful - you are doing it and that is something to give yourself credit for and build on. Next step is to enjoy what you are doing.
I know what you mean abt the dogs - I have 2 and a cat. We had 2 cats, but one died after H moved out. I need my pets - my mother was suggesting the other day that I share dogs w/ H so th I wld have some free time after work to do things instead of having to drive home and let dogs out and feed them. No way! I'd rather have my time constricted than be w/o the dogs.
Originally Posted By: nlt
I don't have that many friends here & the ones I do have are married & I really don't want to go anywhere.
As great as pets are, they aren't a substitute for friends. I know what you mean abt not wanting to go out, but I think getting involved with other people is what of the main keys to finding happiness and meaning in life. Do you do any socializing? What do you do for GAL?
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
Kimmie, Thank you so much for thinking that I'm the class act! I'm not so sure, but I appreciate you saying it. You are right, no sane person would even think about sending an email like that, it's like she was using him or something. I sure hope he will see soon what she really is!
Seekpeace: Boy, I was a wreck at first but then I got very nosy & that kept me busy. I found all kinds of ways to look & find out things, I became a pretty good PI, not that I would recommend it but you know if the shoe was on the other foot, my H would have done the same if not worse. I did loose about 25 lbs, not that I minded that, now I'm back to the weight I was when we got married. He made the comment in Oct. 2007 that I had gotten my azz back, he has always said that is what attracted him to me was that I had a nice one.
I've become a real home body! I guess since my oldest dog is having the kidney failure & some other problems that has made me want to be with her & the other dog too. I have been taking her to a holistic vet (never thought I would believe) but she is doing better so I hope he is on the right track. I've got to get a job, I interviewed the same day as I went to court for the divorce, what an emotional day. I walked out of court crying then a couple of hours later I had to be all smiles for this interview. So far I haven't gotten the job yet but I've heard the company may be for sale so that would hold them back. I really thought I had it b/c they told me all about the company & the benefits. I do have some clients that I work on at home but I haven't been much in the mood to do that either. I'm starting tomorrow & getting back to working on their stuff so that will get my mind off H for a couple of hours anyway.
I don't do much socializing, I go to church but yesterday I just didn't feel like it. They have all been so supportive but I just couldn't do it yesterday. I guess I'm going to have those. A friend of mine is working on getting a ladies night out for about 4 or 5 of us, so that will be nice. My socializing was with H, my life was with him, this has been so hard.
I still do a lot of crying myself, like you it's not as bad as it was at the beginning. I just keep hoping & praying for him to contact me. I haven't heard from him since he left on April 12th, we use to have to talk several times a day when we were not together. Of course at the beginning of this year, he cussed me out & was so mean to me that we didn't talk much but it doesn't mean I don't miss that man I married, that wasn't him earlier this year.
I'm so sorry to hear about your cat! And at the worst time!!! I was so worried about my dog, I was afraid I was going to loose her too. The holistic vet told me that she had been staying strong for me b/c she knows what I've been going thru & that I couldn't loose her right now, she is the smartest dog I've ever had but I didn't think about that, I guess a lot are like that. My youngest dog still looks for my H, that is sad when you can't explain to them so they understand what is going on.
or if she was being mean. Either way - you can see that a big part of what is going on here is the excitement - the rush of hooking up w/ someone new and not seeing all the warts yet. It's really too bad th the divorce laws allow people to move so fast. It shld take longer than 6 mos to dissolve a lifetime commitment and in my state that's all you need - 6 mo separation. When people get married, we think they are moving fast if they only know ea other 6 mos, why shld it take less time to D.