Thanks Addie and Dar-- I have been following both your threads-- you guys are really doing great!
I am pretty disgusted with myself right now (although more so with H). His health problems continue (he had a cystoscopy last Wed. because he'd been passing blood, and the doctor found and removed a tumor-- we're still waiting on the results, but the doc's pretty sure it's not cancer, knock on wood), and I have been looking after him (he stayed over Saturday) whene he's not felt well enough to be by himself.
I have tried repeatedly to go dark, but that just pissed him off, so I wasnever able to stick with it more than a week. I continued to sleep with him. Last night I finally emailed him (stupid, I know) asking what he wanted from me. He replied,
Friendship. Companionship. Help if I'm sick or need cancer treatment, etc.
I emailed back that those things are part of being married. Argument ensued.
So, it pisses him off that you go dark and that matters why? He's the one that wants to "move on", as it suits him of course. I truly do get not wanting to make him so angry he runs and never looks back. Do you know that not making him angry will ultimately get you where you want to go? Not making any suggestions or judgements here, just want you to think about it.
You are right that friendship, compannionship and help when he's sick is part of a M. That he disagrees is fine. Don't argue with him. You said your piece when he escalates it into an agrument, just say you won't argue about it and then don't respond (or tell him you're going to hang up if you're on the phone).
I can onlyimagine how exhausting it all is for you.
I think I have finally reached the point where I don't care if my going dark pisses him off or not. He would like to keep me on as his nurse and f-buddy indefinitely (his vision of our post-D relationship), but I just can't do it anymore. I need time to myself to think. I can't remember the last time i had a decent night's sleep.
I am really angry with him right now. He withheld affection from me for YEARS, but NOW that he wants to divorce me (is adamant about it), suddenly he becomes sweet and demonstrative (so long as I don't make any demands on him)-- he's finally the husband I always wanted, only now I can't have him, at least not on any terms I would find acceptable. I feel he is purposely teasing me (he denies it).
It's probably best that you are setting boundaries with H. It's difficult not to develop expectations when you are still maintaining a physical R. You have to proceed in a way that is acceptable for you. Going dark for a while may be something to try.
HUGS!!!!!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Saw the name of your thread and had to stop by. The book of which you spoke earlier is one I browsed. Who knows if it is effective or not, or perhaps a better way of putting it is for whom is it effective. I wish I knew because then I would be the richest person on earth. But one thing I do know is that the title is very close on of the DB strategies, i.e. detach. I would say though that most books do have things that are worthy of a try and DB says when something isn't working, try something different.
Also, I saw you making mention of how much time. I remember reading one book which said for each 4 years of marriage, it takes 1 years to repair. For you that would be 6 years. The point is that no two situations are alike.
Going dark. If you need to do that for you. Do it. But in the long-run, the best thing to do is always to be the best you can be and everything else will fall into place no matter what happens.
Have been dark-ish on H for a week now (still have to interact w/him about S, but have kept communications brief and via email only), and am feeling MUCH better. Before I was pretty much allowing him to treat me like a doormat, now I'm starting to get a little of my self-respect back (not that I had much to begin with). At this point I don't much care what he does. I need this time and space to work on and heal myself.
Hey, Addie. Been staying away from H, but not been completely dark email-wise (no phone convos, though). I feel better staying away from him for now. I don't see any movement from him, and I change my mind several times a day re: whether or not to continue standing. Sick of this.
You're doing well, though! I know you are anxious about what will happen after you move back home. I wish I had your patience.
