R2C - man, you sound great tonight. What a great list! All so positive and great DBing going on. I am soooo jealous right now.
I like what Ping said the other day about walking on egg shells. I quit doing that today, I go where I want, I don't "hover" which she accused me of and am just trying to feel comfortable in my own house again.
You da man - look forward to your day tomorrow.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
OK R2C, I just read your whole thread and I am going to give you some advice from what I see.
First off, yesterday was a good day for you, glad to see this.
While reading through your thread the one thing that stands out to me is this: you are doing everything in hopes that your W is going to notice, in other words, you have put forth expectations on your W that you are needing to see. I know you are working hard on detaching, but the one thing that really makes you detach is the "as if" attitude. Do it for yourself, your W will not let you know if she notices these things or not. Over time, I assure you that she will and she will bring this up to you when the time is right. It just appears to me that you are working so hard on your marriage and she can feel it, you don't want that.
As stated earlier, some of your actions appeared like you were having an A, you don't want this either.
You must be able to take ALL expectations off your shoulders, do things for you and the kids, I assure you, everytime you are expecting your W to act or say something, she sees it in you that you did not hear or see what you wanted to. Detach from her, have no expectations, trust me, I know it's easier said than done but I assure you this is where you need to be right now. I have been in your shoes for quite a while and have just now realized how to detach and have no expectations, it makes life much easier on our end in this battle we are facing.
You are doing good with the kids at the ball parks, keep that up, your W will notice these things as I feel my W has noticed these things in me, she has not said anything but I can tell in her demeanor.
You are in for a long road, the sooner you stop the backsliding, lower your expectations to really not even have any and to do these things for yourself, not your W, the better off you will be. Each backslide sets you back with all of the ground you have made up since your last backslide.
I would recommend something else here if it pertains, your W has her huge wall up right now, when this is the case, no one, not even Michelle can bring these walls down. My W went to one MC session with me early on in our sitch, it did no good, looking back now, it was a waste, her walls were so high she was not going to here what anyone had to say. As these walls begin to come down, and they will over time, that is when you make another effort in possibly seeking a 2nd visit to Michelle. That may be viable, may not, but your W must be in a state that she is willing to listen, reading your thread, she has not been in that state. I see my W's walls coming down some, not to the point that I would recommend MC as I am not going to backslide but I can see she is much more at ease around me, we have great conversations, we don't talk R, I can see some glare back in her eye that I have not seen in quite some time and it all started with ME changing.
I will continue to watch your thread and give you advice, hand in there, you can get through this, you just have to make your mind up if you really want to or not and if you do, you must do what will work and stay away from what has not been working. PING
W and I now have seperate bank accounts. It feels good to gain control of my money again.
W has always handeled all the bills.
I have told W I need to understand our bills. She is reluctant to discuss them. I believe she wants to keep paying bills from her account. I believe she wants me to save and move out. I need to address this and find out how to keep paying my part of the bills.
Here is my plan: I found out how to access our joint account online. I can review the monthly bills to get an idea of the cash flow and monthly bills.
I can either pay some of the bills from my account, or deposit cash into joint.
If I pay some of the bills this gives me some control back.
ANY OTHER IDEAS???
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
R2C, You received some excellent advice from Ping.
Try to make changes for yourself not just to draw W back and make changes you know will stick. Also try not to do too many 180's at once otherwise it may seem fake to W and she may think you're making these changes just to get her back.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
W and I now have seperate bank accounts. It feels good to gain control of my money again.
W has always handeled all the bills.
I have told W I need to understand our bills. She is reluctant to discuss them. I believe she wants to keep paying bills from her account. I believe she wants me to save and move out. I need to address this and find out how to keep paying my part of the bills.
Here is my plan: I found out how to access our joint account online. I can review the monthly bills to get an idea of the cash flow and monthly bills.
I can either pay some of the bills from my account, or deposit cash into joint.
If I pay some of the bills this gives me some control back.
ANY OTHER IDEAS???
I just want to warn you of one thing, if your W is paying all of the bills, the grocery's, child care and such, this can come back to bite you. Don't let this happen, she can make it appear that you have not been providing for the family. Just take note of this, it may or may not be the case in your sitch.
