this is maryangela Third thread -- he's gone

[spark]

I'm finding for right now the less contact with h, the better. that's where I am right now. unless it has to do with our daughter, I have to go "mini-dark" for my own sanity. not forever, just for now. I'm still too angry and hurt and I can see that. Every time I see or talk to him, it just comes right out.

[LL44]

Mini dark for me is the only thing that keeps me above water. It hurts more to see him, even though we are at a point where its peaceful.

mary, I foolishly didn't write your email down before you got your 'time out'. I am sorry. I can answer any questions you have on here. Please list them out, and I will try to help as much as I can.

[spark]

got in HUGE fight with h today. it's freezing here today and tongight it will be 28 degrees. about 6 months ago (long before bomb), h (who is super-cheap), put a "lock box" on the thermostat because I TWICE put it up to 70 degrees. Well, he has the keys ot the f'ing thing and I called him at work and told him he needed to come over and unlock it as it's freezing in here and we have a daughter 5 years old. he refused. HOW COULD YOU REFUSE THIS??? he told me to "break" the box open with a hammer. my friend came over and we both tried to do it and the ENTIRE thing broke along with thermostat meter. I called h and he emailed me f**ck you. I called local hardware store and they came and replaced it. I gave them the number to his work so he'll have to put it on his credit card. I know this is going to make him super-mad and is this a db slide? But this is about HEAT IN THE HOUSE!!! he told me "I'm not driving there for this". that is an exact quote.

I'm at a loss. I don't even know who this man is anymore. clearly spending time with ow is more important. did I just majorly inflame an already bad situation??

[BobbiJo]

Wanting heat in the house is a necessity, not an irritating request. I hope you document the conversations you had today (incl. the email) in case you ever need them or can use them. For him to deny his daughter heat is inexcusable.

My H did something similar once. When my S was only 2 months old the house got to 53 degrees b/c H was too busy going "out" to clean out the furnace and I couldn't run it until it was cleaned. I wound up going to a hotel and putting it to our joint account.

[john210]

Maryangela,
I just read the post regarding thermostat....usually I am not very judgemental (or at least I do not express it) but your H is not good people. Heat in a house with kids involved? Surely there has to be someone out there who can treat you with the respect you deserve. I am sorry I draw the line at the well being of children. Anyone who puts a lock on a thermostat is not playing with a full deck.
My apologies if i am being too harsh or if i misunderstood something here. I will now read the rest of your sitch.

[NikB]

((Mary))

Catching up after getting back from vaca this weekend.

I understand why you're mad, but I think you could have handled the whole thermostat thing MUCH better. Yes, you probably very seriously inflamed the situation. Remember my walking/running analogy?? I think you sent him into a full on sprint in the opposite direction - increasing both the distance between you, and the odds he'll stop to take a breath and look back, and see someone he may not want to run away from.

You looked needy, desparate, mean and nasty, and definitely NOT like someone he would want to be with. It's in the past now so not much you can do about it, but please do learn from it for the future.

The whole call "sounded" to me like an excuse to call and be nasty to your H. If it came across that way to me I can only imagine it came across that way or worse to your H.

He was just there a couple days ago right? I have a hard time believing you didn't know that colder weather was coming - you could easily have asked for the keys while he was there. But even though you didn't - you still could have handled it SO much better.

Well, he has the keys ot the f'ing thing and I called him at work and told him he needed to come over and unlock it as it's freezing in here and we have a daughter 5 years old.

Demanding that he do XYZ is extremely controlling and OF COURSE he refused. I'm not even surprised. While it's totally reasonable that you wanted the keys to turn the thermostat up, the way you approached it was really bad. Honestly if anyone (even my family!) approached me that way my gut reaction would be exactly what your H's was - F you. I might bite my tongue in the interests of keeping the R with that person good, but it would sure be the first thing that popped into my head.

If you had said instead "H it's supposed to get very cold tonight and we need the keys so we can turn the heater on." Hopefully he'd have offered to bring them.. if not you could follow it up with "Can I meet you at XYZ place to get the keys?"

He knows how old your daughter is, and using her as part of the guilt trip probably pissed him off even further. It's implying he's a bad father because he has the keys with him at work. You didn't even give him the CHANCE to do the right thing.

I called h and...

I actually think THIS is where you made your first mistake. Stop relying on him for ANYTHING other than what he's legally obligated to provide. If there's something you truly do need from him, calm down, and find a way to politely and civilly ASK for it. Think of how you'd ask for a favor from a friend or family member and talk to him THAT way.

I called the local hardware store and they came and replaced it.

Good!! Next time, start here. Take care of it yourself or at least try to. For example maybe you could have called and found out the cost - if it was cheap, just get it taken care of (both the thermostat replacement and the payment). If it was too much, politely call H and ask for the keys - or maybe even say "I called the hardware store and they can come out and replace it for $X. Would you rather I do that, or figure out a way to get the keys here?"

Be a strong, independent woman.

I gave them the number to his work so he'll have to put it on his credit card. I know this is going to make him super-mad and is this a db slide?

Yes, probably will, and I think the minute you picked up the phone was the start to a massaive DB slide. Again I feel like the whole entire thing is an excuse to be nasty to him because you're mad (understandably so, but you need to vent that somewhere other than at your H!).

Do you have a credit card or a joint card? It should have probably gone on that, if you didn't have the cash to pay for it.

Sounds like you need to get a legal financial agreement in place, too. Legally agree to an amount you get, and get it in writing how repairs/necessary work on the house will be paid for.

But this is about HEAT IN THE HOUSE!!! he told me "I'm not driving there for this". that is an exact quote.

Because you were nasty, controlling, and demanding. Had you politely asked he might have driven out. Or, you KNOW it's a long drive, you could have offered to meet him halfway.

I'm at a loss. I don't even know who this man is anymore.

You're right - so back off and leave him alone as much as possible.

Again though, I don't think I'd expect much of a different reaction from MOST people because of your approach. Even if you don't know "him" I think most people would react that way.

That said... I'm glad you DID get things taken care of, and you'll have heat tonight.

[NikB]

John and BJ - I really think it had a lot more to do with Mary's approach than with him being a bad guy.

Wanting heat in the house is a necessity, not an irritating request.

Absolutely! Doesn't even sound like she made a request, though. Sounds like she demanded it.

For him to deny his daughter heat is inexcusable.

Agreed, totally!! I wouldn't even doubt that when he calms down he may just find a way to get the keys there.

Heat in a house with kids involved? Surely there has to be someone out there who can treat you with the respect you deserve.

Had she been respectful when she called, I imagine she'd have gotten a much more respectful response.

I am sorry I draw the line at the well being of children. Anyone who puts a lock on a thermostat is not playing with a full deck.

This, I would agree with. The fact that he did this rather than discuss it calmly and work out an agreement on the heat tells me there was a MAJOR communication breakdown somewhere along the line.

[spark]

nik -- I know you are right and what you don't know and what I didn't post is that I DID start off VERY nice and asked him about the keys, if there was an extra set in the house, etc. then all Igot were nasty emails.

but yes, I have to keep my cool. I just hate him right now.

[NikB]

Ahh Mary that does make a big difference. I still stand by the "try to fix it yourself first" advice, but if you called and asked nicely first that's a whole different thing than the initial impression that I got. In that case... what a jerk.

Definitely keep your cool and stop any contact with him if you're losing it, though.

[Phoenixdeux]

did I just majorly inflame an already bad situation??

Who cares? The guys an a$$. Why would you want him as he is right now anyway? I'd say the OW got the raw end of the deal getting him. He doesn't deserve you right now...keep reminding yourself, "I'm too good for a jerk like that."