yup...WA and LB have been hurt...time, patience, and consistency. DB will help us get there. And the Lord will direct us. He is in charge. He will save us all.
HiC, don't worry about the slow pace...try to enjoy where you are at. I know it is hard. I sure wish I could watch a movie with mine. But I have to be content with the very slow progress. At least the progress that I hope I am measuring correctly. I will say their confusion does complicate our thoughts of progress. But once again, we cannot control that. We must be strong. I tell myself sometimes we must be stronger than them. Meaning, we cannot become weak and slide back but be stronger. Like to not pursue or be needy blah blah...
that could be almost anything. Even simple stuff, like how did you cook that meal with the ... just anything. You have to find a solution that does not involve them. Or something bad happens at work or other family members. Until one gets into Stage 2, cannot call to lean on their shoulder. It's needy and they don't want it. Fix sink, blah blah, on your plate...wonder if it's a progression of pursuing, needing, wanting, would like and then...each of those has a very distinct meaning to me...just my thoughts.
HiC, thanks for your post on my current thread...really just think she is pulling back a bit...we will see I suppose...
HIC~ Thanks for the help/advice. I'm just kind of at a loss/lull right now. Today is 4 weeks no contact. I have heard from several people that our friends who are now D'd, the guy is living with my H. so I'm sure it is quite the bachelor pad. So, I have a feeling, it's going to be a while before I hear anything out of him. Two guys, seperated, living the single life, riding motorcycles, girl I need to stop, or I'm going to puke, or go crazy thinking of what else is going on at what used to be my home. Sorry needed to vent....
I pray sooooo hard that God is guiding my H and sending the Holy Spirit to show him the way. I think for now that is all I can do, pray for him. I know when it's time, God will bring us together, in His perfect time. He knows when we will both be ready. Have you checked out the sight rejoiceministries.org? They send out a daily devotional which is nice, it helps to keep me focused. It's Christian based, and it just helps me to remember what I am fighting for and why. I am a Catholic, so some of the things are new to me, but overall it's some good stuff!
Thanks for your help, support, and listening ears HIC, you get what I'm going thru. hugs to you Christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
I had a physical affair with my wife's best friend 3 years ago. After 6 months, we got back together and started working on our marriage. Most recently, 7 months ago the same woman I had an affair with contacted me and we started talking on the phone back and forth. The talks were just about each other's lives and where we were at now. They were completely platonic. After a few months, my wife and her ran into each other and started their friendship back up. Two months after that, my wife found out that we had been talking and said she wanted a divorce. That was the end of December. February 13th she presented me with divorce papers.
Current Events:
We have had one court date to determine custody and living arrangements until the D is final. She is currently living with friends and will be moving into her own place April 9th.
She told me a couple days ago that it is IMPOSSIBLE that we will get back together and that I was never focused on her in this marriage. She said that the woman I had an affair with told her that I said I was only still married because of the kids. I told her that I said no such thing. What I did say was that we would probably have been divorced by now if we didn't have kids.
Well, just last night my son told me in front of my wife that they went to a woman's house and he had fun. I said who's house? He said he didn't know. So, I asked my wife and she said it was this same woman that I had an affair with. She went over there with the kids, our kids played with her kids, they all hung out, had sandwiches, and talked. I asked what for. She said she wanted to know what me and this other woman had talked about. So I asked, what did you find out? My W then said that the other woman confirmed everything I said.
So, here are my questions:
1. Isn't it obvious my W's friendship with this other woman is more important to her than her marriage to me?
2. My W was supposed to come over to hang out tonight, watch Survivor, and look at my vacation pics. Should I cancel?
3. I want to tell her, "I need to stop hanging around you. I need to remove my feelings for you and get on with my life." Should I do that?
I am so DAMN confused. Seriously, WTF is she thinking?
JAW~ One thing I have learned throughout all of this(over a year into it) 48 hour rule! If you are thinking of any decision making, wait a minimum of 48 hours to let any anger or other emotion have time to settle.
Most of the time, I believe, our S's are looking for a reaction from us. When put in a specific situation the best reaction, is no reaction....then watch their reaction!!! They will be like...WTF!!!! Like her being BFF with the chick you had an afair with...and all of them hanging out, like nothing happened...she's doing it to P#ss you off. So the best thing, IMHO, for you to do, would be do nothing. Take the high road, be the better person, and say something along the lines of " I'm really glad our kids and so n so's get along so great, that's awesome! I bet that would make her jaw drop to the floor! I know that is extremely hard to do. But don't let her fuel your emotions, which she is doing.
As for hanging out with her tonight, if you need some time away, after recent events, simply say, something has come up and I need to reschedule....totally your call. But I would deffinetly use reschedule....you don't want to loose your opprotunity!
I don't think she is putting the friendship ahead of your R/M. I think she is acting/reacting out of hurt/anger/resentment, and she probably doesn't know what to do. She regained her trust in you and even though the two of you were simply talking...that trust was violated. It hurt her. I must say though, I am surprised she isn't mad at the OW too....I am a woman, and if it were me, I'd be kickin you and the OW and both of your arses!!! She's emotionally devistated, it's going to take a ton of time and a ton of patience.
Hope it gets better for you Stay strong! hugs, Christarn
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
a question that I have before work starts hammering me...how is talking to someone you know any different than talking to a new friend about something about your R...In my sitch, I find that answer to be zero. It sounded as if you knowing this woman really makes you feel differently than if it were someone else you did not know. My W pushed everyone away b/c of her anger. Now, she is not angry at me, so my DB coach says that is a great positive for me. Yet, she is now talking to some woman that I have not met. How is that different? My point is that talking to someone that you know where you do not know all of the conversation yet make decisions based on this unknown is not a good idea. It hurts yes b/c you think that you feel that this person restated everything you told W. But that is not the basis to make changes in YOUR ACTIONS. If she wants to watch the show with you, then do it. It's kind of like spying in a way, did it help you to know she talked to this person you know? Do you feel better? Would you make these decisions if you did not know what you know now? I think not. Also, has anything really changed? If nothing else, it should be thought as a positive because this person reinforced what you already told W.
Quote:
"I need to stop hanging around you. I need to remove my feelings for you and get on with my life."
this sounds like me in the past. meaning, something she does creates a feeling of happiness or hurt. You have to detach in order for her actions to not create a mood change in you. You must not allow these mood changes...you have to create the happiness for yourself. Only in this way will you react with a positive frame of mind. Furthermore, you do not want the "get on with my life" part or you wouldn't be here. What you can do, is create your own space while she may be angry. Like me last night, I didn't respond to a simple text. She asked about it when I saw her 30 minutes later. Which I felt was a positive. Mini-pursuing perhaps. You just don't have to react to everything they do...and the 48 hour rule is very good advice. Wait awhile. You will find that your sentiment or initial pains and confusions will subside in a bit and you can think clearly. Additionally, your kids were there. Did occur to you that she wanted you to find out? Don't react. Be indifferent. Don't react...just continue what you are doing. Like I said about spying...do like you have been doing, as if you did not know...your frame of mind was better before.
sorry if this is jumbled, but work calls and I can't revise now...
Thanks for all of the advice. It has helped with me taking no action and letting my feelings subside.
jmw -
I need to restate that this other woman my wife talked and hung out with was the woman I had an affair with and the reason my W gave for leaving me and getting a D.
RECAP:
Hung out last night with W, watched a TV show, looked at my vacation pictures, visited a little bit, and then she went home. Positives: she agreed to hang out and things were friendly; but not at all romantic. I will keep on keeping on.
JAW3149~ have you seen the stages HIC and I have talked about on here the coaches are now talking about in reconciling a R/M? If not let us know!! This all sounds positive!! Good job
Christarn
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
