Ya know Tom, my best friend says the exact same thing!
Umm, I meant about CB, not me being a great guy (although I am!!!) Anyway, I just got off the phone with STBX to arrange some after school pickups for D10. She has a school obligation three evenings a week in May and it's kind of unfair to expect D14 to wait around that many evenings a week to walk D10 home. I suggested that on my weeks I will pick her up from school and meet D14 at STBX's but I was not willing to do it on STBX's weeks. I suggested that STBX arrange with D14 to pick up D10 on two of those evenings as I have them Tues nights anyway and will do pick up then therefore D14 is being asked to help out 4 nights in May. STBX started going on about D14 "sure we can ask her but she never remembers anything anyway...blah blah blah" Three times in the convo she tossed in negative digs about D14 and I held my tongue. Instead of saying "I don't like you talking about D14 like this..." which I have done before, I just said nothing...silence until she returned to the topic at hand. My silence certainly indicates that I am not going to join in on the bashing and STBX knows it, let her embarass herself carrying on. Such a negative woman. She also began carrying on about D10's math skills. D10 got a poor math test result and apparently is not so able in division these days, so STBX has to start carrying on about her multiplication skills (the kid got A's in Math last term) and how "we" haven't been making sure she's on top of things blah blah blah. STBX loves to blow things way out of proportion and I would usually argue the opposite opinion because she was so over the top. I also get really bugged when she starts the "we are bad parents" crap. But again, tonight I said nothing...silence and then said "so anyway..." She just irks me so much when she does this stuff but I bit my tongue...I guess that's good rather than creating a blowout. usually when she gets going like this it's because she's tired and worn out from her job, which is practically all the time anyway! So that's it, over and out.
perhaps she likes the sound of her mouth yapping and loves to just yack yack yack, I am learning the art of stop repeating myself and to shut up if what I'm going to say are empty words.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Oh yes, STBX loves to rant especially about D14. Sadly, she knows she does the yapping but just won't stop herself. D even told her recently that she would like her to stop ranting at her. She can't just say "I don't like it when you..." she had to go on for 10 minutes and, of course, at some point gets a snarky reply from the kid and then she goes into full ballistic mode by taking away priveledges etc without thought, just vengeance. Afterwards, of course, she returns the priveledges and says "I was just angry when I said those things" Ooh, problem solved! Give me a break. But, that's her trip and I've coached D on how to deal with these times as best I can. STBX knows her issue but just won't walk away. We had a huge argument one time when she said "If D14 would just stop doing this then I wouldn't have to act this way"! I informed her that we are the adults in this family and "I hope that we hold ourselves to a higher standard of conduct than we would expect of a child her age" Well, that went over real well! Her attitude is "don't tell me to take responsibility for my own actions" Hey, I think that's one of the reasons we aren't together anymore! Well, enough of my rant, thanks for checking in Cat.
Thanks OT, I think it is good when I begin to recognize old patterns and just refrain from taking part. STBX also may think that because I vented earlier in the week to her that it's open season on D14, which it most definately is not! In future, I will vent elsewhere, I will still discuss the issues involved but will not express my frustrations to a woman who may use this as justification to continue her own negativity towards D. No way.
Hey, did anybody notice the part where I told W that I was able to pickup D10 on MY week but was not willing to do so on HERS. That was actually quite a 180 for me. I almost caved (and she wasn't even pressuring me!) but held on. I suggested instead a way that D14 could help out but I said "it's not fair for me to have to spend every night picking up kids, I have things to do too" W had said that she found it very difficult to leave work at a time that would make picking up D possible and I suggested D14 help out. I think I did good! Bottom line is I finally didn't take on more than my fair share.
It soesn't sound like she is a person that would ever back down. Sometimes it can be more frustrating to someone who acts like that for the other person to just not engage. Whenever that happens to me, and it has, I refuse to play their game. Let her wallow in her misery without dragging you down with her!
Beth, sometimes we just have to give up trying to fix the person and their behaviour. My STBX knows her issues but, for whatever reason, refuses to do anything about them. So it is rather pointless to try and change her, it's all up to her (as it rightfully should be!). Big hands, I too suffer from do-too-much-itis! For years I got into the habit of automatically doing whatever was needed to "support" W in whatever she was taking on, and often that meant giving up my own needs...bad bad bad! I saw it as being a selfless, loving H who was willing to go the extra mile for someone he loved. Unfortunately, I think it gave W the idea that I wasn't important, my needs were secondary. I constantly gave in ways that reduced stress for her by not forcing her to deal with tons of day to day crap, I took care of it. Too busy with work to come home and cook? I'll do it! Can't pick up the kids? I'll do it. Too busy to grocery shop? No prob, I'm there for it. Finances too confusing and taxing? I'm your guy! I did it all but I think part of my selflessness was also making me feel secure. Hey, if I do everything then she NEEDS me. Well, it created alot of resentment in her, she realized she wasn't pulling her part of the load and had no energy to repay me (her culture is real big on repayment). Sure she got lots of work done but resented me in return. I remember one time she came home and carried on about how sick she was of hearing her co-workers go on about what a wonderful H she had, she said "nobody ever notices the things I do" Wow, you've got a H that other women would kill for and all you can do is complain. I also fell for the "I'm so fragile" act, she always seemed to be just one task away from a breakdown, so I worked my butt off to make sure that one task never arose. Yet, despite all this, I discovered that losing yourself in the romantic notion of love being sacrifice is a losing proposition. Sacrifice must go both ways to be benefical to a R. That's my take anyway! Hmm, I haven't seen Muslim lady the last few days, too bad cuz I had my prayer mattress ready to go. Damn.
Bad news, guys. I think I'll have to put my prayer mat-tress away, my Pastor says me and Muslim lady is just not Kosher. Well, I'd sure like to know who died and made him Buddha! I hope he comes back as a snail in his next life. Holy reincarnation, Batman! I think I'd better stop now...for all our sakes
(although I am!!!)