My own opinion is that "seeing other people" has no place in M and would not be permitted during sabbatical either. For me, personally, that would be a deal breaker. I know that some couples try the "open marriage" route, but I don't know how often those Ms turn out to be healthy and successful. Even if D, the "expert" recommendation is to allow yourself 1 year on your own for every 4-5 years of M before you get involved with someone else.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
So, the night before last was my first night 'alone' in the house. No Mo2C, no kids. The house is too big for just me and it was lonely. That night was tough, but I plan on staying busy and looking to try new things.
I'm definitely trying to get out of my comfort zone. I've been doing karate since the beginning of the year and last night I took part in a full contact, kick-boxing match. Our dojo was helping some guys train for a tournament. The guy I fought is a couple of belts above me, but a little smaller. I went for a two minute round. It is EXHAUSTING!! and my ribs are killing me today. I think he may have cracked one, but I'm glad I did it.
Mo2C came to the house yesterday afternoon to pick up a few more things. The night before, I had bought a DVD player for her as a house warming gift and so that she would have it available for us to do occasional movie nights at her house. She thanked me for it and she initiated a couple of kisses before leaving.
It's hard to make the adjustment to alone - but sometimes a relief when there has been so much tension in the house. Missing the kids has got to be tough, though. Sounds like you are being supportive to W - much better than fighting!
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
It's hard to make the adjustment to alone - but sometimes a relief when there has been so much tension in the house. Missing the kids has got to be tough, though. Sounds like you are being supportive to W - much better than fighting!
If there had been tension in the house, I agree it would be a welcome break, but unfortunately / fortunately, the past few months were mostly tension free. W and I really had been getting along well.
A few interactions with W yesterday. I called her cell at lunch time and D picked up the phone. They were in the car getting back to the apt. after picking up a new mattress. Talked to D a bit and then had her pass the phone to S. They had just pulled into parking spot and W was working on getting mattress off of truck, so the conversation with S got choppy and confusing. Hello? Hello? It's hard trying to have a conversation with a 6 year old, but even more frustrating when he's running around a parking lot. I told him to tell mom I'd call back at a better time and said goodbye.
W called back a minute later and wanted to know if I needed to talk to her. Told her that the call had been confusing and frustrating and that I figured it would be better to let her unload the mattress and I would call back at a better time. We talked for a minute and then I went back to work.
W called later and left a message to give me her new house phone #.
Got home from work. Made dinner for myself (steak and broccoli rabe). Went to Home Depot and picked up some discount wood to make a table for the breakfast nook (cost for wood to make table top about $8 - bargain). Also bought some shelves for W's laundry room. Got home and gave dog a bath, watched some TV and then bed.
My ribs are feeling better this morning, so I don't think I cracked anything - just bruised.
I got tonight and started working on making a big pot of tomato sauce so I'll have it around for future meals.
As I'm cooking, W pulls up with the kids and rings the doorbell. I meet her at the door and she asks if she can come in to grab a few things. She asks what my plans are for the evening and tells me that the cooking smells good. She wondered why I hadn't called her all day.
We just got a case of wine from our wine club, so she took her share of the bottles. I helped get the box into her car and then we said good bye. I initiated a couple of kisses and a hug before she left and then said goodbye to the kids.
I did notice that she isn't wearing her wedding ring band and wasn't the last few times I saw her. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. We're separated yes, but we are still married and supposed to be working on the R. The ring thing just really bothers me. To me, I see it as a conscious decision to not wear it... to not have that symbolism of committment... to look available.
no i here ya on the ring. my W says we are working on the M but she hasent had her ring on since Jan. the sad part it in any sepaqration one part wants it to work more then the other one does. I dont know about your sitch enough but my W likes to say since she dosent feel all the way comitied she feels that she shouldn't have to wear her ring. this of course makes us commited partners feel like they are putting themselves out there. and in a way they are.
This really is the question, isn't it? Is she available to other men? You are going to have to discuss it. I would recommend dialoguing on it, to get full answers, not just conversation. What drives spouses apart is living a married-singles lifestyle. What holds a marriage together is doing things together, and working together toward goals. For a while there I was sort of believing that although you were separating, you were doing it together, and therefore, somehow, maybe, it wouldn't push you further apart. But if the separation is to have a singles lifestyle, then there really isn't much question as to where it will lead. A good first question is, "How do I feel about wearing my wedding ring?" When that has been fully explored you will probably have other deeper questions that need to be explored.
This really is the question, isn't it? Is she available to other men? You are going to have to discuss it. I would recommend dialoguing on it, to get full answers, not just conversation. What drives spouses apart is living a married-singles lifestyle. What holds a marriage together is doing things together, and working together toward goals. For a while there I was sort of believing that although you were separating, you were doing it together, and therefore, somehow, maybe, it wouldn't push you further apart. But if the separation is to have a singles lifestyle, then there really isn't much question as to where it will lead. A good first question is, "How do I feel about wearing my wedding ring?" When that has been fully explored you will probably have other deeper questions that need to be explored.
That sure is the question. I really don't know at this point, but I do need to ask the question. Two or three weeks ago, I was actually looking forward to this separation. I was thinking that it would be good to get back to us dating each other. We talked about this and she joked several times that I could come over after the kids are in bed for some late night rendezvous. It all sounded good.
But then she suggested that I take this time to see other people to make sure about my feelings. I'm not sure what to make of this, but I do realize where it would lead. It would lead to me not wanting to work on the M. It would lead to those early relationship feelings that are so powerful. It would lead to me saying screw this crap - what is it again that I'm fighting for?
She has also hinted about her seeing other people. I'm not sure if this was brought up more than once, but the Friday before she moved out, we were out having a drink and she joked that it would be weird if we were both at the bar with our respective dates. Also that night, she was flirty with at least one guy at another bar we were at. In the past I would not have been overly bothered by this, but now...
The dialoguing is a good suggestion. When I look back at the Retro weekend and the follow-ups, something there made a difference. I don't know if it was just the dialoguing. It seems like such a simple thing. I think there was more at work than just that. Weird thing is that when we dialoged, we were usually very in sync with each others thoughts. We would frequently have the same examples and comparisons. When we slipped on the dialogs, other things slipped. Which came first, the slipping on the dialogs, or the slipping of the desire to make the committment to the dialogs. Don't know, but I think the dialoging could help us get on the same page again. Definitely worth the try.
I know what you mean about feeling like the dialoguing is unnecessary when you are doing it and it is working. But then when you don't do it, then things just aren't as good. Right now you are on the road to misunderstandings. You have a lot of unanswered questions. She probably does too. There is no reason you can't dialogue even if you are physically separated. It only takes about 1/2 and hour a day. Surely, you can find a way to spend that much time together, if not daily, then 4 or 5 times a week. The important thing is to choose questions that you really want to know the answers to. If you are dialoguing about the weather, you won't get any closer.
guys im going to go out on a limb and ask what is ment by dialoguing? is it a special typ of conversation? I'm not trying to sound dumb but i wou8ld love some guildlines in my own conversations with my W.
Also that night, she was flirty with at least one guy at another bar we were at. In the past I would not have been overly bothered by this, but now... 