We talked last night on the phone for 2 hours. It ranged from the divorce, to our relationship, to my trip, and her past week. All in all, it was pretty nice. Today I asked her this: "Great, I will see you Tuesday night for our Survivor and ice cream DATE! Beware, there will be a little romance involved. That's a hint in case you want to cancel."
Her response, "What time? Will tonight work? I watched it; but I'll watch it again."
I know I shouldn't; but I take her moving into her own place as such a negative aspect of our relationship. It seems to me that there is no moving back once she moves out. I hope she feels different.
I might be dumb here by forcing the romance; but it seems like she isn't fighting it.
Well, it didn't go as well as I would have liked; but I believe my expectations were too high. We hung out on the couch and watched TV. I held her hand and stroked her hair; but nothing was really reciprocated. At the end of the night, we exchanged hugs and a peck on the lips.
Jaw,
May I ask why you are having D and R talks still. You really want to strive to make every interaction positive and free of D and R talks (even if you are able to talk about it nicely).
It is really all about discovering what works and what doesn't. If it doesn't then move on but if she is not fighting you I would say to keep doing what you are doing but don't push until she gives you the signal that she is ready to move forward. In general it does sound as if things are going well (she is still spending time with you, holding your hand, giving you pecks etc.)Yes, you really do need to remove all expectations at this point so that you can concentrate on being a good friend and maintaining your focus and sanity.
It is difficult to say how the sep. will affect your R. It can make things more difficult but it isn't end of the world (although I know sometimes it can feel like it). I have had two different experiences with sep. The first sep. made us grow apart, but the second sep. is allowing me to focus on me, my efforts to rebuild a friendship, and to show him only the best of me. There was no DBing in the first sep. and neither of us were given the tools by our therapist to work on ourselves or the M. Hang in there!
Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 04/24/0803:05 PM.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I start talking about D and R almost without thinking. I need to work harder at avoiding those talks.
We are going to a child's birthday party of a couple who we are both friends with and we are bringing our children. It is a pool party and I am going to try to be really happy and friendly to my wife. I am going to try hard to not do anything romantic and just treat her like a friend. Will let you know how it goes.
Thank you HiC. I will concentrate on the friendship and wait her out. I hope everything is going good with you. I would love an update.
I start talking about D and R almost without thinking.
you absolutely have to stop bringing that stuff up. I did that at the very first few weeks of separation. But stopped. You must consider what the benefit will be. And it's zippo. Do you actually think you will convince her to change her mind by some astounding comment? It would be just like talking to her best friend to get the friend to convince her to do something different. That just isn't going to work. It is pursuing and can be needy. I actually think it makes us look weak also. I tell myself often that I must be stronger than her. I do not get the pecks and hold hands so I think you just need to be happy with where you are at and remember she's the captain of this boat ride. Don't rock the boat with D talk. Why bring up what you don't want. Just validates her feelings of wanting the D You have to stop that.
Having said all that, and hope not a rant, you are doing well. I have not held hands or had a kiss from my W in 8 months. Be happy...just don't expect so much, and enjoy your pool party. Just act "as if". You will be fine. Heck, like I said before she went to watch the show with you. That is great. Enjoy all your time together.
Jaw - I hope my post was not a rant to you about bringing up R stuff. I will tell you that after an hour and 20 minute conversation with W yesterday evening, about 5D stuff, parents, plans in the upcoming month, work, blah blah, I told a story about 5D and I catching fireflies and how I learned that you have to thank God for not only the big things but the little things in life. W said, "I am happy for you. But it bothers me you are still wearing your ring. You need to let it go." In the past, I would've started with why, I don't understand, you never given a reason, never tried, said a month and then waited a week, deprived me of 5D for a month, some other R topic, etc... but last night I said, "I am sorry to hear that. Ummmm...I did not call to talk about us. I called to see if 5D did blank and to talk with her." and then continued with a 5D discipline issue and to do what is best for her. Then said, I need to go cell phone ringing again. She said ok. Point is it was a 180 to not go into it. Nothing good would come from saying anything about the ring, R, M, whatever. Now, of course, I have no idea if I should take it off to validate her or continue wearing for the personal reasons we all keep it on for.
Just wanted to tell you that story from my personal experience of late. Hopefully, it does something for you.
No, I liked the rant. Thank you for that. I take constructive criticism good and every now and then I need a slap alongside the head. I am distancing myself a little more. I think I am coming across as needy and wanting physical intimacy. I want her to know that I just want her friendship. I am really interested in how Saturday will go. I think a birthday party and swimming will be good for our relationship. As long as the kids are good, family time is really enjoyable.
I got no-fault papers in November. She cannot get a no-fault without me signing in my state, so she is a bit stuck. Having said that, I have told her things I wanted/need to be changed and she has not contacted or done anything about it in say 5 months. She last brought it up 1st of the month. Prior to that was February. It's like a monthly thing...5D schedule sparks it. Her approach to bringing up negative R stuff is changing too...5 months ago, it was like I want this D when are you signing, last month why are we prolonging with no mention of D word, and last night ring bothering her. Still no mention of me getting my stuff in last 3 months. Who knows...sometimes I wonder if I should take ring off, get my stuff, and show her "move on". Then I think what good will it do, this isn't some sort of movie role. It's not what I want. So, then I revert to being patient and consistent in the things that are getting some results...mostly just leaving her alone, do for 5D and I, working on GAL, 180's for me, etc...
she isn't angry anymore. that is good, I hear her sweet voice, laugh, smile on her face...small steps...
HIC~ Sounds like things are going good in cali!! Wish they were in the middle of the cornfield land!! 4 weeks monday, no contact...yuk oh well!! Trying to stay busy Let me ponder a thought with you. If we truly role reverse, at what point does the role reversal happen? I can't help but wonder if that is what is happening, and he just needs his time to figure this all out. I hope he figures it out sooner rather than later. 3 months since we have seen each other, the last time it was that long, was right after I left. Anywho, I pray harder every day, anything is possible with God in my corner!!
hugs 2 u Christa
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
Things are much the same in my last few posts. Things seem to be improving, but of course never at the pace I would like. Who am I to complain though. Progress is progress. After the bomb he would not only not call me to spend time together, but wouldn't accept my invites. Now he is calling me and seems eager to talk and spend time with me.
I definitely understand that it is difficult to not talk about the relationship. From time to time I still struggle with it. When I feel the urge to speak about the relationship I remind myself that not only will nothing I say improve our relationship or change his mind, but in fact they will most likely have the opposite effect. The more you can stick to DB rules the more progress you make. You can do it.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
HIC~ Sounds like things are going good in cali!! Wish they were in the middle of the cornfield land!! I pray harder every day, anything is possible with God in my corner!!
Things are better than usual, but I still rack my brain trying to figure out how to build that connecting with him. I truly hope things turn around for you. You are a faithful woman and I believe God is working on our husbands and ourselves.
A thought occured to me the other day. I had been crying out to God "why hasn't my marriage been saved, will it ever..." and it crossed my mind that perhaps my marriage hasn't personally been saved because God knows I am not ready and when I am the Christian and wife he has planned for me to be only then will my marriage have some hope of survival.
Quote:
Let me ponder a thought with you. If we truly role reverse, at what point does the role reversal happen? I can't help but wonder if that is what is happening, and he just needs his time to figure this all out. I hope he figures it out sooner rather than later...
I wonder the same thing and it is one of the things that keeps me going to be honest. I tell myself that I just needed time to wake up and figure it out and like me one day he will do the same. I think the obstacle that we face, besides rebuilding a connection with our H, is rebuilding trust. I am praying to and I am praying for you too and all of us.
Hugs back to you!!!
Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 04/26/0805:48 AM.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
oh well!! Trying to stay busy 
Let me ponder a thought with you. If we truly role reverse, at what point does the role reversal happen? I can't help but wonder if that is what is happening, and he just needs his time to figure this all out. I hope he figures it out sooner rather than later. 3 months since we have seen each other, the last time it was that long, was right after I left. Anywho, I pray harder every day, anything is possible with God in my corner!!