my story adventures of a WAW!

[christarn]

Ping, I'm happy if what I'm sharing can help anyone who is going thru this. I am more than willing to share any part of my experience/feelings/emotions etc. if it can help any one around here understand the whole WAS phenomenon. Even myself, being a WAW, I do not completely understand it. I feel, a lot of my actions were me not dealing with issues appropriatly. We (h & me) let everything boil inside, then when we would have a dispute, everything from our past, including the kitchen sink, would come flying out, totally not healthy, and extremely inappropriate. I, in retrosprect, realize, walking out was a very selfish thing to do. But, I also truly believe, God has brought me to this place for a reason. Maybe it was so I could help others, maybe it was so I could learn to be a better wife to my H, maybe it was to become closer in my relationship to Him; whatever the reason is, all I can do is pray, my H will wake up, and realize he wants me to again be a part of his life.

Monday will be 4 weeks no contact. I'm starting to go a little nutty!!! However, If what they say is true: the LBS becomes the WAS, I am trying to remember what I felt like a year ago, when I left. The last thing I wanted was him calling and bugging me all the time. I needed time to sort out my life. The more he called, the further it pushed me away. So, for now, I'm thinking with that mentality. I hope it doesn't take him too long to get his head out of his rear end. I left in Jan. 07, he did the typical begging thing for about 2 months. He left me alone in March, we started talking again in May, and put the D on hold at the end of May. I'm hoping if I give him a good couple of months, it might just wake him up. Only time will tell! Any suggestions from your point of view?

I agree totally with what your co-worker said, and look at what I said, after my H gave me two months to fly on my own, I was ready to talk about retracting the D, and working on our R/M, my H is just too easily influenced from outside sources who are telling him, not to work on it, and just get a D. Isn't that nice!!(note the sarcasm!) His parents told me, no joke, to leave him, after I had divulged a huge personal problem we had went thru, now they are telling him to stay far-far away from me...goes to show, never trust your in-laws!!!

I think, just my 2 cents, give her time, detatch, see what happens...watch and monitor. Only talk to her about the kids. If she starts to linger around longer after some time of you doing this, you will have your answer!

take care ping!

hugs 2 you!
hope the weather stays nice, maybe you will be able to get out and play some golf!!!
Christa

[ping1]

Hi Christa, really the only advice I can give you on this is pretty much what your doing. Remember what I said in an earlier post, we always want what we can't have, your H knows that you want him right now so he has no reason to come to you YET. Like my friend told me, he begged and all early, then he detached and did his own thing and found happiness again. He did not contact W at all, he said when he would call the kids he would only ask to speak to them, not have any small talk with her at all, he said when he went to the house to get the kids he would not go inside. It took her about 3 months to "wake up".

I know all sitch are different, they were in their late 20's, early 30's at this time. There was no other person in the mix on either side.

Keep doing what you are doing Christa, see what happens. Give him space although it sounds like you already are and give it a little longer and see if anything changes.

No golf this weekend, kids are with me, we have a weekend full of baseball games and practices.

Take care.

[ping1]

Sorry but I have another question for you Christa, when you decided you wanted to work on your R, had you and your H worked out the friendship part or did you just wake up one day and realize it was time to save your M? The reason I ask this is because right now, W and I can have good coversations, mainly about kids or baseball or whatever it is that's on our mind at the time. I guess since my friend told me he basically cut contact out with his W other than calling kids and directly asking to speak to the kids, I'm wondering if this is something I need to do. In your time as the WAW, did any contact with H make it feel like you had pressure on you. I know you don't have kids and I will have to call the house to speak to W if she answers, just makes me wonder if I should not do any talking other than asking to speak to the kids.

[buenosuerte]

Sorry to budge in on your thread, but i've been looking for some answers in the posts as to my walk away spouse. i found it encouraging that ping1 stated the silence other then children talk was about 3 months in his friend's sitch. we have a child together but he doesn't see her, call about her or anything, been like this for over 36 days. prior to that i had to pretty much beg and push our daughter on him.

[christarn]

Ping~ We did not work on the friendship...BIG HUGE MONSTER mistake looking back. Went straight from talking in a bar about working on things, to romance...and all in one night, if you follow me. My DB coach and I discussed this when I chatted with her last week, she felt that was probably huge in why things didn't take off and go well for us. From there, we would do things together, but it was never the same. I guess I thought, he had begged me to come back, he would be elated to hear I wanted to come home, and we would just go back to how things were...oh was I in for a shocker!!!! He was dating someone, and half-a%s dating me. He would tell me one week he wanted to work on things, the next week he didn't know, then he wouldn't talk to me for a week. It was crazy. So now, that I am WAY more stable and comfortable in where I am and within myself, the waiting thing is not as hard, especially if in the end, it means getting R/M with my H back on track.

I didn't just wake up one day, and decide hey I think we should work on things. It just kind of came to me. I really started missing him and not just physically. I missed talking to him, sharing things, having him there when I would come home from work to talk to, and then the other side physical missing, having him to eat dinner with, hold me, tell me it would be ok after a bad day at work...but at the end of the day, I just truly miss my best friend, and I had come to realize what it was that I had done. I do know one thing, had we gotten back together then, I don't think I would have been ready. I am just now starting to feel that I am physically and emotionally ready to deal with everything that has happened, and to be open and honest with him about what I was feeling when I left, and how we are going to deal with issues we have had in our past (communication, finances, possibly having children etc.) I know it will also be hard for him, and I'm praying he is doing more than just drinking that he is doing some type of reflection and introspection as to what part he played in the fall of our R/M.

Buenosuerte~ Never feel bad about hijacking a thread!! I do it all the time to my friend mike!!! Are you totally detatched, not talking. I would give him space and time. It is sad that your child has to suffer, but in the end, if you force the child upon him, he will just be resentful towards the child and towards you. Always remember to put the child first, you love and care for her and she is in great hands with you, that is all she needs. When he decides to get his head out of his rear, and make the baby a priority, he will. The more you push, the farther he will run. It's best in the long run of your R to sit down, and back off, even when it's the hardest thing in life to do. Have you read any of Michelle's books? I'm sorry, I will try to get over to your thread! I found them a little late, and then I really didn't start to "get it" I mean really understand the true meaning of DBing until about 6-7 months later and by then a lot of damage was done. I talked to a coach which helped some, but she would tell me things like don't call him or no contact, and I was like but I can't do that...I like to talk to him....but that's probably why I am still seperated 15 months later, and no contact in almost 4 weeks

hugs 2 u both
questions just ask, I am more than happy to share anything I can to help someone else out!!

Christa

[buenosuerte]

this probably sounds sick and demented, but i have a calendar of all our conversations and no conversations - when he saw our daughter since january 08. so glancing down i have not contacted him in any way shape or form for 37 days saturday. he has left a voice mail of our song and my niece that lives across the street caught him driving by on monday.

since you were the WAS - during that time did you think of your H? miss him? wonder what he was doing? kill you not to talk to him? I'm trying to understand how he can stay away from his D. i know there is no one answer to fit, but how long till he rids himself of all the anger. i'm happy to see that there are couples on here that have begun that journey together to reconcile, it gives me hope.

[christarn]

Once he stopped calling/texting me, it was about 2 months before I contacted him. I needed the space to figure out things for myself, the more he tried to get me back, the further it pushed me away. That is why I am trying hard not to contact him now! I feel it will push him further away!

I don't know how he can stay away from his little girl, that would kill me. But who knows what is going thru his head. Right now, it is killing me not to talk to him, but knowing in the end, there's a chance not talking or communicating could save my M, it's worth it. He (my H) needs a chance to figure this out on his own, probably as well as your sig. other.

It took me a long time to rid myself of anger, that is something he has to do on his own. He will have to do a lot of introspection and self reflection. Things you will not be able to do for him. For me, most of my anger wasn't anything to do with my H, it was other issues that were going on in my life; issues between he and I just compounded the anger, me leaving was just the result of all the bottled up emotions.

What's most important is you take care of yourself, so you can take great care of the little one. She only has one parent right now, and she needs you to be the best you can be. Little ones have a 6th sense, so she can probably pick up on your anxiety as well.

take care, hugs
Christa

[Jay Scott]

The distance works. I have not contacted my wife much at all and in the past two weeks she has called and asked me and the boys to go out for dinner with her twice. LOL, I guess it is a double whammy for me since I have no desire to contact her. But we get a long very well.....this is just so stupid. When we are together, we laugh and joke and talk about each other's jobs and futures. If you would look at us when we are out as a family, you would have no indication that we are a broken family heading for divorce.

[Jay Scott]

this probably sounds sick and demented, but i have a calendar of all our conversations and no conversations - when he saw our daughter since january 08. so glancing down i have not contacted him in any way shape or form for 37 days saturday. he has left a voice mail of our song and my niece that lives across the street caught him driving by on monday.

since you were the WAS - during that time did you think of your H? miss him? wonder what he was doing? kill you not to talk to him? I'm trying to understand how he can stay away from his D. i know there is no one answer to fit, but how long till he rids himself of all the anger. i'm happy to see that there are couples on here that have begun that journey together to reconcile, it gives me hope.

He thinks you are seeing someone else and is starting to get curious, I would bet anything that is the case. Keep it up!

[christarn]

When we are together, we laugh and joke and talk about each other's jobs and futures. If you would look at us when we are out as a family, you would have no indication that we are a broken family heading for divorce.

JS~ That is sad to hear, my heart goes out to you. It's nice to hear she has softend a little and is spending some time with your children. Do you feel she is softening to a point of reconcilining?

Take care of yourself....

hugs,
Christa