What bothers me about the situation is the way it is all about her. She's waiting for you to act out. But what about you? Aren't you also waiting for her to act out, to leave again? And isn't that what she is doing? So, unprovoked by you, she is reverting to her bad behavior, all the while blaming you for the behavior that you stopped and apologized for. Seems unfair to me. I would not spend one cent shipping her stuff from place to place. She doesn't know who she wants to be with, where she wants to be, or what she wants to do. Doesn't this woman need to get a job and make some money? Can she afford to just bedhop across Europe endlessly? And, if that is what she does with her life, one would think she would at least enjoy it. She seems so miserable while she holidays with one man after another.
She has asked me to ship all of her stuff back to Australia as well, and that she is going to collect stuff off of OM. She says she needs to "tie up the loose ends" and see if OM really is "the one" but she "thinks not".
This to me is just twisted bullshit. She is totally infected and in a chemically altered state - totally incapable of making quality decisions and overcome with selfishness. She is hurting a lot of people including herself.
I have told her that I don't believe a thing but her "gut feeling" says that we are meant to be together and that she will come and join me and her Dad in Australia soon, but that now "isn't the time".
I think I have to detach and have no contact. Go to Dr. Harley's plan B. This vacillating will not be able to be stopped by her alone.
I am bleeding on the inside and will keep you informed.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
You got that right. It's b.s. and not worth really considering what her "gut" is telling her. And GH31, she acts like this is solely her choice whether you are together or not. It isn't just her choice. I would make it reasonably clear to her that you have a say in this, and as it stands now, I'd make it clear that you won't have her. She needs to work just as hard to get you back as you work to win her back. This time she came back without so much as an apology or feeling bad.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
What bothers me about the situation is the way it is all about her. She's waiting for you to act out. But what about you? Aren't you also waiting for her to act out, to leave again? And isn't that what she is doing? So, unprovoked by you, she is reverting to her bad behavior, all the while blaming you for the behavior that you stopped and apologized for. Seems unfair to me. I would not spend one cent shipping her stuff from place to place. She doesn't know who she wants to be with, where she wants to be, or what she wants to do. Doesn't this woman need to get a job and make some money? Can she afford to just bedhop across Europe endlessly? And, if that is what she does with her life, one would think she would at least enjoy it. She seems so miserable while she holidays with one man after another.
Ditto! How does she afford all this traveling?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I'd tell her to get a professional company to get her stuff packed and shipped and for her to go back with you or just forget it. She is stringing you along.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
This is Day 9 of "piecing" if you can call it that. Yesterday was much better - I caressed her head for an hour and a half on the couch and really relaxed her, then we went out and about in Berlin and for a few drinks.
Earlier in the day I said to her point blankly that our situation is "an affair dressed up as a separation" and that the vacillation she is undergoing is "textbook behaviour for people when they are having affairs". I also told her for the first time in all of this that her behaviour was "killing me".
When we went out later, she started talking about how I should go and take a job offer that I have in Munich as Sydney is far away. Then we were playing pool (again) and out came the old "we`re destined to be together", "it`s meant to be" blah blah blah. I was very cool about all of this and said "maybe we`re not" and told her that I have had enough and that I need to build a new life for myself to make me happy. I also told her I wanted her to be happy, however she found it. Then after pool we ended up kissing passionately and holding hands as we walked. She even tacitly admitted to still loving me. Only 24 hours earlier she had point blankly refused to take my hand and had said "I just cannot go there right now".
Well, this morning she woke up smiling and asked for a massage so I gave her one and then we ML for the first time in 3 months. She asked me not to ever give up on her but that she had to "find her own way back to me". All very nice and she had a great time but then afterwards it unleashed an entire torrent of negativity and I found her packing her bags. She said "I can`t be with anyone right now" and "I am very deathly afraid that you are going to disappoint me again". I also got "it just makes me want to run away from you". I simply validated her feelings and said I would feel the same way too in her situation. She said "Sydney would be the place to reconcile as I will have my family with me as a support". I gently added that if and when we reconciled there would be waves of negativity that would come and go, that they would need to be worked through, and that they would be less frequent with time.
She was meant to be going today and as expected, OM has arranged a very cheap flight for her again. I have managed to persuade her to stay an extra day though.
She says frequently "I don`t know what I am doing at the moment" and "I need more time to reflect". I replied that I understand but that I myslef am at the end of my rope of patience - it has been three months and I am hearing the same old refrain.
This whole thing is just a twisted, twisted game. I cannot believe it. She has never mentioned the D word - it`s always been me that has suggested it in the past, but I am just at a loss. She doesn`t want to let me go, but she won`t commit either and she has said "don`t go with other girls, what if I want to come back to you in the future?". I am at my wits end. I think I just have to detach and move on, all the while remaining open to reconciliation until I find someone else to share my life with, or she does.
I am so bitterly upset I cannot describe it. It looks like we have come a long way since February when I started DBing, certainly lots of baby steps - time together, intimacy and ML, getting on great together, but it looks like all of my work is about to be undone - as far as my marriage itself is concerned.
Experienced DBers, what is my W going through? Is it a MLC and an A all wrapped up into one? And then dressed up as a separation? Even her Dad seems to think she is having a MLC. She doesn`t want to talk to him because she hates the fact that she will be sounding "uncertain" as she is normally very "certain". All of this is in fact true.
My gut feeling is telling me that there is still hope for us yet as she doesn`t want to end the marriage and neither do I (at least not now) but I am finding this simply impossible right now. She really has been abducted by an alien being.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Experienced DBers, what is my W going through? Is it a MLC and an A all wrapped up into one? And then dressed up as a separation?
I wouldn't necessarily apply a label like MLC. I think a lot of her behavior is uncertainty related to the affair. Should I be with GH31 or OM? I think she wants both of you as potential back-up plans should the relationship with either one fail (I'm personally very pissed at OM for his butting his nose into your marriage. He's a loser, and should she decide to be with him, you are better off without her and he's welcome to her, since she'll eventually cheat on him). She tells you as much...."don't get involved with another girl, what if I want to come back?" Your answer to that is, "if I get involved with someone else, then there won't BE any coming back." Not that I recommend that you get involved. What she is doing isn't fair to you. I'd make sure that she's willing to actually commit before I'd open my door to her again.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
MLC? Not likely. Immaturity? For sure! You have a little girl there who is not growing up. She has fantasies of Prince Charming and happily ever after. She got married and it wasn't happily ever after, so she has to look for a different Prince Charming. Who knows if and when she will come to the realization that life is not fate. Things are not 'meant to be'. That adults make choices and build their lives. You can't control everything, but you also don't swing in the wind waiting for life to show you what's meant to be. Unless she grows up, she is likely to keep repeating this behavior. There are examples of wives on this board with teenage children doing the same thing.
There are 2 Retrouvaille groups in Australia. If she drops OM completely, and goes to one of these weekends with you, she might learn something about marriage, love and commitment. See http://www.helpourmarriage.org. for locations and dates. Your wife was not ready for marriage. She is still dating.
