Sort of got ditched like that too, but online, we too were forming a too close for comfort emotional bond and he just dropped, without saying bye, that hurt. So, I sort of know how you are feeling, chances are she is too scared/shy to tell you the truth.
So, unless she is frank and comes up and tells you why she cut off the friendship, dont' say a thing and dont' expect anything.
Muslim lady? tsk tsk, you rascal
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
It would seem to me that, although you were hurt and rejected, CB is a stranger, and should be dealt with as such. Obviously, there was an emotional bond there that she wanted undone, for whatever reason. Reasons don't matter at this point, and neither does her perspective on it. It's how you feel comfortable and what you want for you.
But, it sounds like you've already determined that yourself, judging by your words.
Thanks Big Hands, fig and Cat, I certainly have no plans of bringing anything up with her! It was a very strange situation from the beginning and neither of us clarified what the heck we were doing together we just kept doing it. We never planned anything but would just wait for each other and go from there. Last time I saw her at christmas I was uptight too, can you imagine walking into the recital to find your XW and CB standing together yakking away like old pals, and they barely know each other. Whew, fun wow! But, after XW ditched us, CB opened up conversation with me and I decided to just act as I usually do with her, like a friend. This time I don't think so. It will be polite but with no references to anything we may have previously discussed, we have no R any longer, we are now strangers. Smile and wave, good advice. Hmm, does Muslim lady have a Burkha, you ask? No, but you should see the Korans on her!
Geez. It is not CB's job to manage your emotional welfare. She does not owe you an explanation. She simply stopped an inappropriate R which, strangely enough, you are again acting as if was not inappropriate. It was. She knows it. You know it. I know it.
If you have an Affair-like R, and one person ends it, that person made the right move. As I feel certain you know, it such cases it does no good, and probable harm, for the person who leaves an A-like R to try to take care of the person dumped. There is no point in explaining it. The R is over. It didn't work for her. Period. Quit moping around like a victim. Geez. Geez. Geez.
Try putting some of your victim feelings on STBX where they are at least a better fit, and then try getting rid of them altogether. You are a free adult male who chose to live the life you have led. It isn't up to others to make your choices feel good for you.
Yes, I know you've heard this all before from me, I'm just stunned to see you all wrapped up in the CB stuff again. I'm sure you can figure out a way to avoid unwanted interaction, which seems to be the appropriate move.
Yup, at times it keeps coming up. I like to put things in little boxes and make sense of them but often the more you try to do that the more mixed up it makes you! In reality, the little box thing is not real life anyway. Things just can't be wrapped up so neatly although I keep trying. Once I get through this little social occasion, these thoughts will subside. I guess having to deal with her makes me feel very vulnerable. It's all part of the trip I'm on, I guess, and the CB stuff is mixed in with the XW stuff. I question my judgement, the boundaries I set (or don't set) with woman etc. And yes, OT you've said it all before, I know but there are going to be times when all that stuff just rises to the surface again, hopefully less and less! I'm trying and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Sorry I'm annoying you! Just an add on, Yes I actually have been avoiding CB. I have made plans each night I may have had to see her to avoid it. I'm actually proud of making that decision. I saw it was making me feel bad and changed the situation, I took control. So, I'm not a lost cause yet!
Well if everything has a payoff, and that's the reason we do what we do, what would the payoff be for you?
CB obviously broke it off because she's married and possibly started having inappropriate feelings for you. At first in reading what you wrote I couldn't figure out what she was thinking to put herself in that position, but I'll give her credit for in the end doing what was right.
Although I may give advice, I don't believe in telling people how to live their life. We all have to chart our own course and any mistakes that come from that are ours to bear, but I do have a few questions. Who's idea was this is meet again after all this time and why? You said that you were going to meet but stay pretty neutral in conversation. So what's the point of this meeting?
Hi Beth, firstly, she isn't married but has/had a bf. I only see her now at kids concerts cuz our kids dance together. We used to drop the kids at dance class and began to do coffee together while they were at their activity. I guess we both put ourselves in a situation neither of us normally would have. It ended as it inevitably had to, I guess. Here's my new strategy, I accept that the day of the concert I will feel some anxiety, stop planning silly strategies and move on to more important things. You know what, my guess is that we will interact and get along just fine together. Lets face it, intermission is the only time I will have to interact anyway....and the bathroom is only a short walk away if needed as an escape! Thanks for your thoughts.
OT, I've been thinking about your post: "Geez. It is not CB's job to manage your emotional welfare. She does not owe you an explanation. She simply stopped an inappropriate R which, strangely enough, you are again acting as if was not inappropriate. It was. She knows it. You know it. I know it." I don't hold her responsible for my emotional welfare but I do believe that we all have a responsibility to take actions that will cause the least harm to another. Certainly, there are far worse things she could have done to me, no doubt but I just can't imagine how cutting off virtually all interaction with a man who has put no inappropriate pressure of any kind on you nor has he made any inappropriate comments or anything else is necessary. There was no reason to be so seemingly insensitive. She also knew full well that my W had been shutting me out for years, so this was a sore spot for me yet she decided to take this extreme action anyway. The sad thing is that if she had of just said "Whatis, I'm uncomfortable..." I would have said "then lets not do it anymore". Honestly, I would have. But I also know it's difficult to approach someone with that kind of honesty. Initially, she didcut out our coffee times by not waiting for me any longer and then returning right at the end of class for pickup. We would chat about the weather in the parking lot and go home. I sensed she was putting a stop to our outings and did not ask for any further times together. I took the hint. If she wasnt' comfortable then I would not put her in the position of having to say NO. So I don't know why she suddenly began eliminating me entirely from her life. It felt hurtful and unecesssary. it smacked of the kind of behaviour my W inflicted on me, the "you're of no significance to me" approach.. That's how all this gets wrapped up with XW. Now, I don't believe you are saying that CB has no obligation to be gentle with someone she knows is already going through great pain, you're not saying "hey, it works for me and that's all that matters, he's on his own", are you? Now was the R appropriate? Who knows. Was it an A? No. Going for coffee and talking about intimate things does not make an A, it sure could lead there though. I had warm feelings and thoughts of romance down the road but I was not planning on making any moves on her and would have refused any gestures on her part as long as she had a bf. I know you have always, from the beginning, seen this as an A and I respect your viewpoint. It certainly was two people playing with fire and she, who had the most to lose, ended it. I respect that she did what she needed to protect her R, i just don't like the way she chose to drive home her message. Also, I think my hurt is OK to have, it keeps me thinking what I would do different next time but if hurt takes over my life and dictates how I deal with life and love then it becomes a problem. I think it's also Ok to feel some anxiety at the prospect of seeing her again in a social setting, it's pretty normal. it's not a rehashing, a whining, a "poor me, how I've been hurt" reaction. It's normal human anxiety in a difficult situation. Remember, this is a person who said "when I went through this (separation) there were people there for me, so I can be here for you" I trusted her when she said that (2 weeks before she ditched me)and something sure went wrong, didn't it. I also don't see how asking others for their input on how to deal with her in that setting is inappropriate. Lastly, don't worry I'm not moping around etc. I have a pretty full life and I keep myself busy. I'm meeting people and taking some pretty healthy steps to move forward. I just get stuck and have to shift gears once in a while. Anyway, those are my thoughts for what they are worth! Thanks for making me think OT I should also mention that one of my problems (in my eyes anyway) is that I often excuse other peoples behaviour, such as XW by being too understanding of the sitch they are in. With STBX it was "she's so stressed, she's depressed, she doesn't mean to be this way" blah blah blah and with CB it would be easy for me to say "she had a R, she was in a difficult position" blah blah blah but it might be good that I'm not so willing to do so now. I'm thinkin I'm worth more.
