What's helped me is that instead of having "no expectations" - which btw I don't even think is possible - I have "low expectations." I expect him to the selfish and self-centered, and if he's not, it's a bonus. I'm serious - this has really helped me.
Nic
Did you ever expect it would come to this...that you would expect the man you married to be selfish and self-centered? Lord knows I didn't. That said, I can see that you are right, that my only hope for ME is to have low expectations for him and as you say, good behavior will just be a bonus.
Thanks nic. We are in very similar places right now and it helps to work the feelings out with someone else.
WEll, one of my friends at work today said to me, AH don't be too hard on yourself, recovery from D isn't linear. And I guess I really needed to hear that, cause I'm having just a bit of a setback.
XH and new Mrs. have gone to interview for a big job. If X gets it I assume he'll accept. IT is about a 4-5 hour drive away from where S15 and I live, with no good airport connections. So S15's time with his dad would be cut drastically. Plus, the new job is the kind that requires lots of night and weekend events, so even if S15 went to see them, I'm not sure how much quality time he'd get on a given weekend.
So I have mixed emotions, of course. On the one hand I would love to be able to walk into work and NOT to wonder if I'm going to run into either of them around a corner. On the other hand, well, S15 needs to be around his dad.
Bleh. What I really need is a little more detachment so I don't spin out every time this happens, 'cause XH is on the job market and he is going to keep searching till he gets the one he wants. So I need to get a little calmer about it.
And a question...does anyone else have an awkward transition period when the kid(s) return from a weekend with X? I am finding that I feel odd at first. Some of it is just a little bit of feeling like I'm in a parenting competition. The rest of it is just being pissed that S15 spends time with OW.
That's all for the venting.
My mom was here for a week. I think she had a good time, which was the whole point. The mechanics of airports are getting increasingly difficult for her, but she is fine once she gets settled at her destination. So I had to book her for a week to get direct flights in the right days. She is a fairly easy guest, but a week of company is a bit long. So now life is a little bit back to normal.
It's time to plan vacation. I love the planning. Was thinking about Costa Rica, but S15 doesn't seem interested, and I'm not sure I want to go from Hot Florida to hot somewhere else in July. Canada? Alaska? Northern Europe? IT is fun to dream.
Oh boy, I can really see both sides that you're struggling with. So many of us seem to care more about our ex's R with their kids more than they themeselves do. Why is that? I guess b/c we are not totally self-centered. It will all work out, anyway, in the end.
I am okay with the transition, although I sometimes feel like I don't do enough fun stuff. Although not recently: now that stbx is fully ensconced in his new R, he is not doing so much fun stuff anymore.
If you come up my way, I'd love to meet you!
Lots of love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I would love to meet you too. I've forgotten where you are...Is it Alberta? I was looking last night at some River Cruises in Canada, some of them looking fascinating.
I do think that if you had some distance between your ex and new wife, that you would be surprised by the peace that it would bring. Working for the same company..whew..that would be hard.
I guess as far as your sons relationship with his Dad goes, he'll just have to tweek out something that works for him. I like what nic said about how we care more about their relationship. Fruitless but true! Besides, your ex sounds as if HE is his priority, not his son. It's sad but no matter how much you wish for it, their relationship is out of your hands. I'm in the same boat, so I have to be a hands on Mom and I can't afford to drop the ball. I remember reading a long long time ago that all any child really needs is 1 strong parent, and though not the ideal, I do believe that's true.
You are SO right about it not being peaceful to work in at the same place in the same building. Maybe I'm being stubborn (naw!) but I am tenured, and I like working there, so I've resisted looking elsewhere. There are really no other equivalent unis within driving distance, and only two others period that I would consider. So I am for the moment stuck with it.
And right again about XH only thinking about himself right now--which is why I still believe it is MLC. XH loved/loves S, but not enough to deal with life difficulties. It helps me to see this selfishness as running away, which I saw several times in our 21 year M. He is a denial/runner type, and he seems a little too frantic in this effort for it to be normal job progression.
I think on balance I do want them to go away. I am struggling to get back to previous performance levels in my job, and I finally feel like I want to get there. I know that I can't make XH make S15 a first priority, anymore than I could make him make our M a first priority. So I think I'm just going to enjoy the benefits to me of his running.
End of muse. Thanks again for posting Bethie, have a good day yourself.
I didn't know Javier was changing jobs too. I do think at least some of it is what the alcoholics call a geographic cure...they think if they change their surroundings they'll "feel" better. But guess what, they take the problem with them. XH has done this for years, but denies it, so not my problem.
Yes, I'm lucky to have my mom still around. She loves to come visit us--we all live in pretty interesting places. But she really can't do large airports anymore, and definitely has trouble with changing planes someplace awful like Atlanta or Dallas. So we try to get her direct flights into smaller places.
I know what you mean about being the parent with physical custody. I would get very, very nasty if XH tried to take S15 away. That doesn't sound very nice, I know, and I'm just as glad not to have to stoop that low. So as you said Lissie, things are actually working out as they are supposed to.
Hi, AH! I've spent all morning catching up on your 2008! What a ride, huh? You know, I think if the X moves it will be so good for you, in so many ways! And honestly, maybe even for S. Frankly, if X is neglecting him while he still lives nearby, can it be any worse if he is long distance? At least in S's eyes, maybe the distance will be a better/less personal excuse, if that makes any sense.
My D was so much younger when her dad and I split, and I am so grateful to have a successful coparenting relationship with him. It just breaks my heart to hear others' stories, but I do hope that even though your son is older and H might be long distance soon that time will heal. Meanwhile, congrats to you on being such a great mom--and a great person all round!
Looking forward to more catching up with you! fish
Hey AH - Long time huh? I try to keep up with you tho and everyone else always has great thots so I figure I don't need to add my mumblin' to anyone's posts.
But as I read thru this a bit it just kinda hit me that maybe the job search has a bit more behind it than was stated here. It is quite possible that "they" feel uncomfortable in the situation as well..........and possibly...........doing you a service by leaving the area so you won't feel so bad. And it's possible that "she's" uncomfortable just as you are and would rather not run in to you anywhere either.
that being said, a lot of healing happens with distance. I know that's anti to what people say.........but it can happen - so if it does happen..........there can be some very good positive things to come out of it.
Chin up - it's an insane world out there!
you are and have been in my thots!
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
