unevitably aboard the D train...

[ACJ]

Sounds like our Hs have something else in common. My Hs dad died when he was 57 also from cancer. FWIW I think this is partly responsible for thier MLC.

Now that I come to think of it both cancer and D run in my Hs family. What was I thinking of when I M him?

[cat03]

hey toots)))))))))) I saw your post on the list of M who made it, there were quite a few stories there similar to mine and even worse (with ow in and out) and for a split second I thought...what if I hang on longer? but, those W/Hs stopped their Ds, stbx is bent on getting the D done as soon as the year of waiting is up. And frankly, it would take a few yrs for stbx to be normal and able to be the man he was, the man I loved, I have been waiting for that man since Sep. 2005, it's been 3yrs (someone waited out 5yrs of MLC!) I dont' think I could wait that much, it'd wear me out and I just couldnt' handle that long of a rejection.

I dont 'want to harbor any hope, I dont' know if their sitch was as dramatic as mine, with all the uglyness lies deceits and betrayals I put up with, I gave 200%. SIGH

great

I have now to remind myself of what my C told me: "each time he's come back from ow he seemed sorry, he kept saying the same things, only to do it over and over..."

[BethM]

Hey cat,

You know, I really believe that they have to be on their own to work through it for a minimum of 5 years. I too know people who's husbands have come back and for a while everything seemed ok. The trouble is those old demons seem to rear their ugly heads once again because the WAW hadn't totally individuated and finished the job.

I didn't believe this in the beginning nor did I want to hear it, but I now feel that the only chance (if that's what you want) is to cut them loose. Hopefully then they will understand what it's actually all about.

Have a good weekend!

Love,
Bethie

[cat03]

after stbx came back in 06 I didnt' realize I rushed him home, i wanted him home so bad I didnt' care how badly he was doing internally, I believed he'd be fine with us. He did agree during MC later that month that he thought moving back would make him feel better but it didnt. He moved back too soon. How soon until he would've gotten better? who knows, perhaps never. He really needs ADHD and antiD medication, but due to his job as cop he refuses to take them, afraid to disclose those problems since he heard they let people go who had mental problems of that magnitude.

There could be a chance for our M, but he won't take meds, his job defines him, this is the first ever that has given him any satisfaction, his other jobs were awful and this is the only one he actually loves.

I now regret a exchange we had at the beginning of mediation, he was telling me how awful he felt, I was conforting him, it was alright, I got a glimmer of hope that perhaps it was a sign he wanted to think about SA, when he disclosed that he still wanted to D I lost it, I told him how much of a coward he was by running away from his problems and taking the easy way out. Since then he never opened up again to me, and Iater I decided it was for the best, since it was destroying me to let go of him, perhaps this way I wouldnt' feel attached to him anymore this way.

Perhaps even that talk wouldnt have gone south things still would've deteriorated and he still, like now, has contact with ow, at what degree is their R alive I dont' know,l but that truly bothers me. I have mentioned it before, but ow has huge mental problems and takes some medication, she lost it and threaten suicide when she found out there was no D, disclosed to stbx how she also had a double life and showed him xxx rated picts of her which she sold to this guy whom she had sex with for money. He cried to me, disgusted, how he couldnt' believe he gave her a foothold, how disgusted he was, he could've given him something. Later on, he kept on about it, how he couldnt' believe how angry he felt that she was with another man, he didnt' use the word but it was jelousy he felt, jelousy!!! at her whoring herself, he hurt that he wasn't her only man! and there I was, consoling HIM. He always wanted to save her, felt totally responsible for her, she did tell him how he ruined her life and she knew how to get in his head, he admited to it "she is using me because she knows she can" arghhhhhhh! how can that woman gotten into him like that? he was with me for so long, 13yrs!

His unhappiness is deep, world deep, ADHD people feel outside this word and can't relate half the time, so I know how he feels at some degree. Would he ever take meds? would that help him see how valuable our M was? I don't know, I don't. Someone told me meds arent' all, that the person has to decide to not give up and fight for what one wants (he is fighting for his M as well), that depression isnt' an excuse for all.

Is this really a loosing battle? am I kidding myself right now thinking he could turn around before the year is up? :S great, need to call my C to move my C date now.

[fig]

so meds are not ok for him to take with his job but having an OW is OK?

I know a lot of people in law enforcement
and
they say he can't be let go

and

if he was that is discrimination

they couldn't let him go if he were a drug addict but was seeking help (American's with Disability Act)

[BethM]

Cat,

I agree with fig, he's full of crap! I think that some men are more afraid of facing their issues then doing something that would make them feel better.

I so can relate to your wanting husband to come home and you accepting him no questions asked. We all think in the beginning that if they would just come home we could fix this, but it never was about what we did or didn't do, not really. Unfortunately it's not until much later that we understand. Sometimes I really don't think that there is any right or wrong way to handle this. He would have found something in almost anything you said to get angry at you for.

I'm not saying that these things don't ever work because I have heard stories of marriages that have. People over in MLC seem to think that the WAW will just work their way through the magic tunnel. That's baloney. This is their personal journey and it takes years. After 5 years I am just now starting to see some consideration from my ex.

First off, I don't know if you know this or not but Hearts Blessing who came up with that timeline did not have a husband in MLC. Oh I wanted to believe that there were definite similarities because it meant that happy endings were possible. In fact her husband was only distant for months not years and I'm not sure that he ever did move out. I know he had an affair but you don't have to be in MLC to do that.

[cat03]

was emotionally hijacked for a moment there gals))))))))))))

You are right, and if there were ladies who stood by while their H's went back and forth to ow every 3mths, more power to them, I stood by mine after he went back to her 2x in a matter of 4mths and it was sheer hell, and I dont' want to live like that nor wait 5yrs. IF, and that's a big if, IF he ever got the guts and brains to want me back he'll fight his way in (which I doubt it, the core of the problem was that he couldnt' face the consecuenses nor come clean nor fight for what was good) , otherwise, he is not the man for me.

I was part of a group cops wife online, and they asked for me and told me same thing, they can't fire him. I told stbx back then, but nope, he wont' take meds.

And yet again I doubt God, wondering, trying to piece together a future in my head when I know zilch of what is going to happen. I leave it all to you dear Lord, for all my effords to keep H have been pointless.
You gals are totally right, it was all what he was doing. I went down fighting.

Quoting Frank_d

Cat03 is worth fighting for, but stbx has always run from a fight.

[BethM]

Yes cat,

What you're doing is the tuff stuff. It's so much easier to run then to stay and fight.

You know cat, I was like you. It was hard to sit still and believe that God had a plan for me, especially when I was in so much pain. Once you start to heal reasons become clearer and life becomes happier. Things and people come into your life that you couldn't have imagined in your wildest dreams. Your life will be good again whether that means with your husband or without him.

[fig]

Cat
i never in my life imagined the wonderful life I have now

it was beyond my comprehension

I remember the letting go...that feelingof inner peace

I wish it for you
that feeling that there is a plan and I am OK without knowing it

and

truly

I did not know how to imagine this well!!!

[cat03]

thanks babes)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

crisis adverted, I'm SO glad stbx didnt' pick up, (cringe) I actually called him and was (oh dear) going to ask him if he still wanted a D (rolling my eyes)

Thanks for giving me a glimpse of how a good life I can have, will have...God willing.
I will be more than ok

another idea stolen, this one from frank_d again
Your wife chose this course once before and, for whatever reason (perhaps due to your efforts), she changed her mind and waffled. But the decision never went far from her thoughts. In a sense, I think it was always there, waiting for "justification" to re-activate it.
Yup, that was stbx when we were piecing alright, he actually had the nerve to tell me, when I found out about ow during the summer that I wasnt supportive enough and complained about his work. GRRR, we talked 90% of the time about his work at home, spend any $ we had on gear for him, he could go anywhere he wanted and do anything even if it meant less time for the family, just so he'll do well at work, I was in the back burner ALL the time! and turns out, I was "not supportive" Bleah, more madness from his part.