I didn't want her to do it, I didn't tell her to do it, I can't control what she does. I guess I should be glad she didn't call three months ago when she was calling him every name in the book (to me, not to him) and saying he was worthless for running around leaving me with the kids.....
Now I just have to tie her up so she never calls again Actually I don't think she will. Mom does things for Mom, and she got what she wanted, the chance to speak her mind.....
I know it isn't my fault so I have nothing to feel bad about, but I have always had an overinvolved, overprotected mother so it brings me flashbacks of high school when she would embarrass me in front of my friends.
I would not sweat it that much. Just be thankful she got voicemail instead of "Live Dan". I could imagine if she did get your H live that it would be a cry festival between the two of them.
I dont know what my mom would say to my W if they were to talk. She could not say anything bad about W's A since my mom had one herself. I would worry that my mom might say something like - "Look, I had an A and it turned out ok as I am still madly in love with OM after over 30 years".
It's not that big a deal. I agree that "live Dan" would have been worse. There isn't anything you can do about it now. Move ahead and act as if it didn't happen.
You guys are right, thanks. As far as I know, it never happened! Problem solved
I will continue to "stick to the plan"--no contact from me, let H do what H wants to do.
I know it wasn't THAT big a deal, it was just a little embarrassing for me. But fortunately, H has known my mom for 20 years so he knows what she is like and I am sure he won't hold me accountable.....
It is 70 today and I get to go to an in-service for teachers now. Sit in a stuffy lunchroom and listen to some "experts" tell me how to do my job better.
For months before and after separation I felt guilty and resposnible for my friends and family towards my H. There was a clear rule "nobody talks to him about us". After a while some people said they felt it was their duty to try and talk to him. I refused. Much later when I was relaxed some did without asking me. Later, very many times I thought about it as my way to contol things again. So I let go. Anybody, heck, everybody could talk to him and say whatever if it didn't involve "K told me to tell you this". Very many times I thought I should have let them do it in the first place because he took it as an "embargo" I forced on them. I don't know what is right or wrong. As long as you didn't ask for it, pretend you don't know about. Maybe even, tell him, you had no idea and you hope she didn't make him feel bad and that now you told her she should stay away.
I went with the "I don't know anything approach"...
H called at 7 to give me the kindergarten roundup info. I told him I was in the middle of giving both kids a bath so I would call back.
Called back at 7:30, got VM. H called back at 8. Gave me the details. Told me when the parent meeting was, and what time.
I asked (STUPID), "Are we going together?" H's reply, "Why wouldn't we go together?" I said, "Oh, nothing, I wasn't sure with your work in Omaha, and me driving up from K.C. if we would get it coordinated".
What I meant was, if you tell me this weekend you don't want our marriage, are we still going together. But yay, I didn't say that.. Don't know if it "means" anything that he said "why wouldn't we". Because I plan to be the best "team" for our son whether we stay married or not, so I would want to do these things together either way.....it is just that this meeting is 1 week from now, so the whole thing would be so "new" if we decide to officially separate.
Including talking to D and S, it was a 15 minute phone call. Probably too long, but in light of the "mom" call earlier today I was wanting him to see I am regular old me, not in the middle of some scheme...he didn't mention the call and neither did I, so I think we are safely past it. Besides, in retrospect, his mom calls me 4-5 times a week. And I don't have (much of) a problem with it
Also, he said S goes to the 1/2 day of school BOTH days in May, he got assigned the afternoons. I said of course I would bring him up and take time off for those. H said he was going to come down from work (35 minutes away) over his lunch to drop S off with me. That is really great b/c H has always used work as an excuse NOT to do things like that--dr appointments, field trips at preschool, etc. Now he is taking a day off for the ear surgery, and taking two long lunches for the kindergarten roundup. I think, for his own sake, those are good developments.
Those are good developments for your husband. Maybe he is learning a few things after all. Perhaps the torture can be less tramatic and painful.... if you Dad does end up having to torture him after all.
Thanks Woog! I am glad you are conscious again, at least for now. You still need a lost of rest though, I am sure.
H has made some personal strides I think, being more open to helping out with the kids (my sister HATES when I say that, b/c "they are his kids, he is NOT "helping out"" ;)). I still think it is good for him to make the effort to do more with/for them. He always used to be great with S, but the past year with his A and all that, he hasn't been around as much as he used to. I think being gone all week at his job in Iowa lets him see how much he has missed....
Honestly I am getting scared about tomorrow. Red, I promise I don't mean anything bad by this, but your post tonight added to my worry. I am thinking that is the answer I will get. That he doesn't want to work on us. Or that we are not "fixable". That would be so sad b/c I think we are totally fixable, but then I am not the one who ever wanted this to end....
Point being, I told him last Sunday that I needed his "final answer" this weekend. B/C I can't do this any more. And really, I know I can't. So one way or another, something will be changing this weekend.
If it is for the better, I am not expecting butterflies and rainbows, or any of that chick flick stuff. I just want to be able to "relax" a little around H. For some of the eggshells to go away. To be able so say things like "where are WE going for dinner", or "what should WE get for D's birthday", etc.
If it is for the worse, then I know so much will be changing. We already live apart, but if the answer is "not interested", then I will not be spending the weekends with him like we do now. Of course, for the kids' sake we will have some family times together, but it will be different. But still, I will be able to start looking for "my" new home and make plans for "my" life. It isn't so much that I plan everything around H, but there is a big difference in planning if you don't have to factor in another person....
One thing that sticks out in my mind from last Sunday, when we had the talk that led to me saying I needed a definitive decision. I know this isn't DB, but I mentioned to H:
You say you keep making bad decision after bad decision. You left one job to move to KC, that was a bad choice. You left the KC job for Omaha, you think that may be the wrong choice. You bought the black truck 2 yrs ago, that was wrong. Now you think the new truck you got to replace the black truck may have been a mistake. If you have made all of those "wrong" decisions, aren't you concerned that you would look back on this (giving up on your wife and family) and think that it was a mistake?
H looked me straight in the eye and said, "And you are certain that this (staying in the M) is the right decision?"
I am wondering what he meant. If he was challenging the idea, or wanting me to help "sell" him on it, convince him that it was possible? I suppose I will never know.
Sorry to ramble, as I said I am getting nervous.
H actually called at 7 and left a VM on the home and cell phones, asking me to call him back. I did around 8, and filled him in on the hospital tour we took tonight to prep for Nathan's surgery. He laughed at my description of the kids in the scrubs they had to wear to go in the OR. He asked me some home-repair questions, we chatted for around 10 minutes or so. Nothing earth-shattering. I keep listening for clues in his voice, I didn't find any either way. He sounded more like "real Dan", though, to me. A lot of that edge and bitterness aren't as pronounced as they were in Dec-Feb. I sounded totally casual b/c that is the way I am approaching his calls, like no big deal.
Enough rambling. I will check in with you guys before I go to bed. Time to put the little ones in their beds........
Good Luck this weekend BBJ. It is very brave of you to throw a decision date out for your H.. I pray that he chooses you, your children and your family are worth it.. from where I stand it's the obvious choice.. but since I'm also a LBS I can't comprehend how anyone can walk away without giving it there all.
It's interesting to me that you said you heard the "real Dan".. that is something I've noticed with my H too... just seems more normal.. less alien like, right? It's a nice, yet confusing, observation to see the person you love in there now and again.
No answers for you. Just an opinion. He was asking you for validation. He wants everything to be okay with you so that he has something to fall back on. You've forgiven him in the past, he wants that forgiveness again. He wants it to be easy.
Just my opinion. And, you should know I have a fever and am on some really good cough medicine....
Actually I don't think she will. Mom does things for Mom, and she got what she wanted, the chance to speak her mind.....
