Hanging in there....

[girlfromipanema]

Yep, I agree with GF and Michelle. BUT it's much easier said than done. Figure out a way to ensure you'll be able to act as if in his presence (and when you figure out the trick, let me know - I'm not having an easy time of it!).

Good luck with everything.

[GoingForward]

Agreed. However, let's remember what MWD says:

EASIER DONE THAN SAID.

Focus on your kids. Focus on being POSITIVE.

Just DO IT.

We know you CAN because that is what YOU have control over.

[Sugar and Spice]

Thanks I needed that. He actually had to come over yesterday and thats pretty much what I did.

I really didn't have much to say, other than questions about the task at hand.

He didn't call me back last night or this morning...maybe he is hearing me.

[Sugar and Spice]

Nope, not hearing me at all. He actually got mad at ME yesterday when he called me at work and I wasn't overjoyed to hear his voice...WTF?

We were both at S game last night and he acted like everything was just hunky dory and I just acted like he was another parent. I did get drawn into a R talk just a little and I made a couple of points and then said, I promised myself I wouldn't do this and so nevermind.

I got the rest of my results...all NEGATIVE (yay me! ) I asked him if he had gotten hers yet and all of a sudden hes Mr. GamePlayer again...trying to be cute. She says all of the tests are negative and as much as I want to believe her...NOT, I wondered if he could find out for sure and of course, I'm trying to start a fight. WHATEVER!!!! I'm just very frustrated and dealing with this alien is almost more than I can take.

[girlfromipanema]

I'm just very frustrated and dealing with this alien is almost more than I can take.

It's more than anyone could take, grumpy. I don't know how you've managed to stay as composed as you have. I'm relieved to hear your tests were negative. Hope you find some joy today.

[Sugar and Spice]

GFI I have decided to create some joy by actually doing a 180 and sticking to it.

[GoingForward]

He actually got mad at ME yesterday when he called me at work and I wasn't overjoyed to hear his voice...WTF?

Sounds similar to my H. He gets all butt-hurt if I don't show the kind of level of enthusiasm he wants to see from me. To him, it means that I don't love him (he told me this).

So when my H calls or arrives home from work, even though sometimes it's a bit difficult after having detached so much over the last 3 years, I act cheerful, upbeat, and make him feel as if it's truly good to see or hear from him. The same way I would act as if a good friend called or came by to see me.

Even if/when you're feeling disappointed with H's recent choices/actions, you have to let it go and act AS IF it never happened. Right now, it's the only way to keep the peace, and if we can manage to make our Hs feel loved by us, then in return, we might be able to get a little of what we want from them.

She says all of the tests are negative and as much as I want to believe her...NOT, I wondered if he could find out for sure and of course, I'm trying to start a fight. WHATEVER!!!!

In his mind, you're prying for information and getting into something that he doesn't want to talk about. He probably sees it as 'nagging', although we don't see it that way.

You're clean....YAY! .....so let it be. That's all that really matters. I would, however, insist on using protection if you become intimate with H again.

[Sugar and Spice]

Journaling:

Came to work Friday and chest was tight and had a pain in my back where my lungs are (I get bronchitis everytime I get sick) so I headed out to the Medi-Center located at the hospital, couldn't get into my Dr. Right before I left I got a txt from H, wanting to know if I could get off an hour early as he wanted to take us (kids & me) to Horton Hears a Who. Sent a txt back saying I was going to the Dr. and that I would let him know what was up. I'm filling out paperwork and I get a nasty txt from H that says "Gonna Call back like last time?" I sent him back a txt that pretty much said "What" and then it was on, he said several mean things like I made him feel guilty about the movies and he was inviting me and when did I ever invite him to do stuff w/me, anytime there is an olive branch extended its him doing it, etc...and at the end of one particularly mean one - Goodbye! WTF? So after a couple of texts back and forth, I hit him with:

Goodbye it is then. We need to do some sort of settlement agreement or would prefer to consult with attorney's? I'm done being f#&$*d over by you. You don't want to work it out & only want what OW has to offer? Then you are free my friend to pursue your life as you choose.

So I get "I invite you to the movies and this is what I get in return?"

So after a few more txts where he did a complete 180, things settled down a bit and I spent 5.5 leisurely hours in the ER/Medi-Center while they did an EKG and all kinds of tests to then tell me that I am developing bronchitis, but I'm not sick enough to actually get any medicine...NICE! So I get out of there in time to pick up kids and meet H at the movies, where we had a really good time. I went over to MIL house with him and we hung out for awhile and it was nice. I left and then he called and met me to do some grocery shopping and because I'm an idiot, as I was leaving I asked him the following: "So, are we still being honest about things?"

H: "Yeah, why?"
M: "I was reading some journaling I've been doing throughout this whole thing and I noticed that you've said you were coming home twice now and its been when there was "something big" with OW. The first time, you took her to Universal Studios and were supposed to come home the next day and then you said on 3/14 that you were coming home and then 6 hrs later I find out shes pregnant, and it feels like you tell me that because it keeps me around. So is that why?"
H: "No, the first time, I was going to come home and I got scared because I wasn't sure it was over. The last time, I was coming home, I was just going to stop talking to her."
M: "So you didn't know she was pregnant before you told me that?"
H: "No, I was just going to be done."
M: "What about now?"
H: "I have to be nice to her..."

This is the part I'm confused about, he keeps saying that he needs to be "nice" to her and I don't know if its because of the $$ or because they are gambling partners or if I'm just delusional. Anyway, H wen't to MIL's house where DS and DD were and for the first time since he left, he actually spent the whole night just with them. I felt terrible and I called to tell my kids goodnight and he told me if I wanted him to come over or if I needed him that he would be right there... I had asked him to go have a drink with me and he refused, then said he had no plans. He then said that OW had invited him to go play cards at her friends house, but he had said he wasn't going anywhere and said that he didn't want to be a liar so he didn't go...

My friend Matt called me Saturday at DS baseball game and H was kinda snippy about it. Matt is a friend of mine and his D goes to school w/ my DS...Matt has a boyfriend, too and H knows this.
DS game ends at approx. 8:30 and H got a txt from OW and I saw his reply was "Almost Done" so when the game was over I was burnt. We all walked out to the parking lot together, but I was just making a bee-line for the car. H was talking to S about the game, S was mad he went from batting 4th to 7th... Anyway, H gets in his car and drives by and says "ILY" and I told him to go to hell, so he turns around and says "What?" I said, you heard me, go to hell... "I told you ILY" and I said, "Means so much now that you are going to hang with OW." So we go home get cleaned up and head to Matt's - H called DS at 9:00 wondering what we were doing and again at 9:45, didn't speak to me, but wanted to know what we were doing.
Invited him to dinner on Sunday and yesterday...he says I never invite him to do anything and we are all supposed to go to a hockey game and he might actually be willing to give us a Sat. night, which hasn't happened in FOREVER.

He was very willing to come over Sunday and help me with our dog too, even though I was an idiot and refused, he was really sweet and tried to be helpful.

So any thoughts on this sudden change of behavior?

Puppy, if you are out there, I would love your take on this crazy mess...

[MichelleLT]

Hmmm, wow. Sounds like it all started off with a MAJOR miscommunication - him feeling like you were blowing him off or didn't really answer his question about the movie. Also seems to be showing some discontentment about time spent together - have you considered if one of his 5 Love Languages is Quality Time?

Sounds like perhaps a little touch of mystery combined with you showing your patience is not unlimited has him wondering/worried?

His lashing out might just be stress - whether work, OW, or self-induced guilt over the stitch.

As I am not as far along with my stitch and feel like a very novice DBer when confronted with this issue, I don't know what else I can add except (((Hugs)))

[GoingForward]

Question - Do you want your H to come back because he wants to? Or would you prefer him to come back out of guilt?

Corey, I am not perfect either, and I have to tell you that there were many times when I got p*ssed and also told my H to 'go to he**'. Why did I do that? My guess is because I wanted him to feel guilty about what he was doing, I wanted him to feel as crappy as I did. After times like this, H would act nicer to me, do things for me, but you know what? It was soooo very wrong of me to behave like that. Sounds like you, and very possibly OW as well, are doing this just as I did.

Bottom line, if you want to save your M, this behavior will not help you achieve your goal. Drop the drama and leave the past behind. Move on for YOURSELF. Treat your H the same way you would treat a good friend.